Disfunctionality at it's finest

Things don't always pan out the way we plan.  Looking back, I never expected to be where I am now, but I am thankful for the journey.  When my ex walked into the room a few years ago and said he wasn't happy, I was devastated. In my mind, I worried I'd be alone forever. I had so many fears,  but the one that screams the loudest of them all was that my children would not have a normal family. It took a bit for me to grasp what normal was. Normal isn't mom and dad. Normal isn't the same people married forever. Today,  normal is where our children understand that family is family regardless of DNA.

My tiny humans and I have different types of fun days. Where your typical crowd goes to the mall or plays board games,  my kids like to go goodwill shopping or people watching. We were parking at the local goodwill when the conversation sparked about family, as it comes up several times a month. Each conversation I try to assure my children that they have a wonderful family. They don't have 2 either. It's one big blended family. My daughter is so much her mother's child, and it pains me to know how difficult it is for her to share emotions that when she opens up, we stop everything. I give my undivided attention, because I know if the layers of the onion begin to peel for myself and are not received,  it'll rot on the vine next go round.

I don't remember every detail we spoke about, but I will never forget the moment she burst into tears and asked why we couldn't just say we were sorry. I've heard my son say this when he was younger,  but she was old enough to understand, or so I thought. I took extreme caution with my words,  but I wanted her to hear me clearly. I don't hate dad. I don't hate his wife,  his mom,  his dad,  none of them. I was disappointed in the way our split came about,  but I would never begrudge a man for staying where he was unhappy. He appears happy now,  and that is OK. The only thing I ever ask is that your step mom be good to you. If she is good to you,  then she has my blessing. But being good to you also means being passive when it comes to me. If anyone,  and I mean anyone,  talks bad about your mother,  that's not being good to you. That's no different when it comes to your dad, grandparents etc. It's called respect,  and the main reason no one in my household is allowed to discuss negative topics when you're around.

See, I specifically used the word passive where I was concerned. They don't have to like me. I could not care less,  but they should be respectful enough to my children to shut up. I have explained this concept over and over again to my children.  No one should ever be allowed to disrespect their parents- even their other parent. 

Having to explain to my children that they should never feel they have to choose between which parent to love breaks my heart. I pray I have never presented that choice. They should never have to choose. We are not in competition. We are more family to love them. My parents aren't better grandparents than his, and vice versa. It doesn't matter who has more money. We all should love them unconditionally,  and sadly I am coming to grips with the fact that this isn't happening. The tears streaming down that precious girls face was proof enough.

We can't function as a family.  We can't function as parents.  It's a bitter truth that we spent 10 years together and can't even put our children's best interest first.  Why? Well it seems the ulterior motive where some are concerned is to have them hate one parent.  I will never accept this as right. I will never condone it, and I will work every single day to change it.  My children should never fear telling their mother they love her.  We have got to change it, and I will not stop until we do.

I think it is assumed that my goal is to win sole custody of my children.  This isn't the case.  If I truly wanted that, I could've stayed in Texas 4 years ago and waited on my ex to give up, the way he did on his other 2 children.  He simply faded out of the picture.  I didn't have to move 3 states away from my family for it.  I want my children to have both parents, equally.  We've both moved on with our lives, and there's nothing wrong with that.  I want my children to feel loved and comfortable in both homes. I want them to understand we are a team. I want us to actually be a team. Protection orders, accusations, DHS claims and rumors should cease. Those tiny humans see the struggle and feel the stress even when it's not right in front of them. 

God forgive us for the pain we've put these kids through. Lord help us to chart a course that is healthy and happy for them. Guide our steps and help us find forgiveness and tolerance. 

A burning match

I look at women in relationships, and I have wondered far too many times how in the hell she got to be so psycho?! We all know at least one female that all men refer to as bat shit crazy. OK fine and good.  How does that happen?  Is she born with it? I never thought in a million years I'd ever be that woman.  I'm usually very cool, calm and collected.  I've pride myself on never speaking out of anger, because I see what it does...and then you throw a little alcohol into the mix with an issue that hasn't quite been settled, and suddenly a psycho was born.  

My God! It was like I could see myself losing grip, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. I flew off the handle.  I woke a man out of a dead sleep with the swing of my fist.  What the hell had gotten into me? What on earth had possessed me to not just participate in this raging shenanigan, but in another persons home, no doubt? Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  

There we were well past midnight, intoxicated, both confused, screaming obscenities at one another, yelling that we were done. Why? Because we didn't finish a card game? Because I didn't answer the phone when he was lost hours before? Because rather than fighting about it, he chose to go to bed? Stupidity is the only explanation. It was ridiculously stupid, and yet there we were.  

It wasn't until the effects of the nights binge wore off that I realized, it was my fault. I threw an adult temper tantrum. Now I will not accept full responsibility, but I did start it.  I finished it as well.  We looked like assholes, and the only explanation was me.  No one wants to admit their flaws or faults, least of all myself, but I didn't have a choice.  There it was glaring me right in the eye. Truth is, my worst flaw is that I keep score.  I am the friend everyone calls to piece together the evening when they can't remember.  I am the one who can remember the littlest details everyone else forgets.  I remember smells, what someone was wearing, the conversations that took place, everything.  It's proven not to serve very well.  There I stood, yelling at the man I love, and rather than discuss the issue currently at hand, I brought up every wrong thing he'd ever done, and some I just assumed. 

When someone hurts me, betrays me, etc, I don't let it go.  I forgive, but I never forget.  In essence, that isn't forgiveness at all.  It's as if I'm holding the cards until they serve my purpose, and for that I am extremely wrong.  When the argument had finished, and we had said our apologies, I had promised to tear up the score card and wipe the slate clean.  That's the only way we'll ever make it.  Forgiveness can't take place when you're still holding on to the past.  It's like holding a burning match. Eventually you either let it go, or it burns you.  

My dearest friend was there the evening of our sherades. She mediated, God love her.  She mentioned something that has been eating at me for 2 days now.  You're punishing him, because of what your ex did to you.  He broke you, and that's not this man's fault.  My God! She was right.  My ex tore me down, broke me to pieces, but that's not this man's fault.  If he could love me enough to come crawling back after hurting me, and trust me I made him grovel, then he should not pay for another's sins. I chose to love after my heart being broken.  He chose to love me despite my broken pieces and sharp edges. The past won't do anything but hurt us both.  I am not his ex.  He is not my ex. We are us. He wasn't the one who broke me.  I wasn't the one who broke him.  Our paths collided, and we chose to love again after destruction.  At the end of the day, we aren't really broken.  We're guarded.  We build walls around our hearts to protect us from pain.  We must be brave enough to tear them down. 

Up until the moment I flew into my psychotic rage, past mistakes continued to bother me.  It didn't matter that he'd apologized. I clearly did not accept it.  He made a mistake, a huge mistake and one that hurt me very deeply.  It damaged trust, and I in turn made a bold statement.  I gave an ultimatum, which generally isn't my style. He apologized. He promised it would never happen again, and then the first quarrel afterwards, there I was rubbing it in his face. Today, I can honestly admit, that even though I remember the incident, I am not holding the grudge.  I will put my faith in him again.  I will not continue punishing him for the events that hurt me in the past.  I pray I never fly off the handle like that again either. I have been 32 years without hitting another human, but I stained that record in a fit of rage. He laughed and said yep, you'll have to live with that one, honey. He's right. I will have to live with it, but I'm comforted knowing that it taught me a valuable lesson.  

"No amount of regret can mend the past.  No amount of anxiety can change the future.  All it does is destroy the present."   unknown

I can't say there won't be mistakes in the road ahead, but we will face them head on without the baggage of the past holding us down.  And...I'll probably never swing my fist again.  

Comparison isn't fair

We went to church this evening, and I felt compelled to share. I was raised on a church pew.  Sometimes it felt as if we went to service 12 times a week and 3 times on Sunday.  I've slacked off the past few years.  It's been very difficult for me to find my faith again. When I discovered Life Church in Collierville, I immediately loved it.  Going to the young adults service in East Memphis, has been nothing short of a movement. For the first time in years, I've felt at home.

So many times we go to service, and the message goes in one ear and out the other.  Then there are messages like this evening's that shake you to the core.  It was as if every single word was spoken directly to me, and  I needed to hear every single one of them.

Pastor Jason was in from the Arkansas campus, and he spoke about comparison.  At the beginning of his message he said,  "I get most of my encouragement from other people's failures, and I get my greatest insecurities from other peoples successes."  How true is that in all of our lives? One of my worst traits is that I compare myself to others.  We all do.   We compare ourselves to everyone around us, and to be frank, it either brings us up or shoots us down.  To sum it up,  Comparison is not fair, a waist of time, and counter productive. It either makes you greater or lesser.  

My entire life I've been comparing myself to those around me, but when he said You have to accept what God gave you, it was moving.  It finally made sense.  We aren't all built the same.  We aren't all the same height, weight, body type, level of maturity, brains, or beauty.  He was right!  I have to accept that I am different, and that's what makes me great! I have strengths, weaknesses, quirks, and talents all different than everyone I know.  These are all the things I need to embrace about myself.  The good Lord didn't give me the brains to be a rocket scientist, but He gave me the personality to work with people.  That may mean I'll be in customer service or sales the rest of my life.  You know what? That's ok with me. I love people! As frustrating as they are, if you threw me in a cubicle away from everyone, I would go insane.  I couldn't do it.  I wasn't born with a smooth personality. I'm abrasive, and weird, and quirky. Again, totally good with it,  I don't have the fanciest house.  I don't even own a car at the moment, and 4 years post divorce, still not able to talk about a serious relationship without cringing. (Yes, I am in a relationship.  The moment marriage comes up, I have to change the subject.) You know what I was given? A house, with grass and trees, and I am so incredibly thankful.  I was given a wonderful man, who isn't perfect.  He's the first person I've ever argued with, and I'm grateful for that. For the first time in my life, someone is worth the fight.  I should show him more how much I care.  He lets me drive his car...even after I jacked the muffler, and someone tried to run me off the road.  He isn't perfect, like I said.  There are days when I want to strangle him, but I don't, because I'd miss him, and we have way too much fun.  I can honestly say that life has thrown me so many events, that I've never understood.  I've grown so bitter from the experience, but tonight I finally accepted, it is what it is.  Things happen that shouldn't have, but they did none the less.  There's nothing I can do to change any of them.  Each one has lead me to where I am today, to the person I am today.  I don't believe any of it was a mistake.

He said "We need to celebrate the success of others." That's hard for me too.  I see so many people that seem to have it so easy.  My goodness, it's like nothing in their life ever goes wrong! It's so frustrating, but then tonight as Pastor Jason spoke, I realized, if I stop looking at what I don't have, I will see that they are blessed, but so am I.  For all the things that I mentioned before and a million more, I am blessed.   I don't have the fanciest house.  I don't even own a car at the moment, and 4 years post divorce, still not able to talk about a serious relationship without cringing. (Yes, I am in a relationship.  The moment marriage comes up, I have to change the subject.) You know what I was given? A house, with grass and trees, and I am so incredibly thankful.  I was given a wonderful man, who isn't perfect.  He's the first person I've ever argued with, and I'm grateful for that. For the first time in my life, someone is worth the fight.  I should show him more how much I care.  He lets me drive his car...even after I jacked the muffler, and someone tried to run me off the road.  He isn't perfect, like I said.  There are days when I want to strangle him, but I don't, because I'd miss him, and we have way too much fun.  I can honestly say that life has thrown me so many events, that I've never understood.  I've grown so bitter from the experience, but tonight I finally accepted, it is what it is.  Things happen that shouldn't have, but they did none the less.  There's nothing I can do to change any of them.  Each one has lead me to where I am today, to the person I am today.  I don't believe any of it was a mistake.

The last thing he talked about in his message tonight was how we all just need to find our approval in God.  I didn't understand that at first.  It wasn't until he was saying the closing prayer that it hit.  We all need a father to pull us in close and let us know we're doing a good job.  My eyes filled with tears instantly.  God love him, but I don't think I've ever pleased my earthly father.  I have always felt like such a disappointment to him, and for once I would just like to know that I'm doing something right. But as for my heavenly Father, I can finally see that I am on the right track.  I'm not perfect.  I never will be, but my efforts and choices are by His grace and with His approval.

 Sometimes we don't need deep words of wisdom to enlighten our lives.  Tonight, it was simple sermon that made me change my entire outlook.  If only we all just stopped comparing ourselves to others and in any situation.  Stop worrying about the neighbors lawn,  your best friends car, your cousins perfect kids, or your bosses bank account.  We may not be where we need to be, but as long as we're on the right track is all that matters.  

Hypocracy

I got a great laugh this week, and I absolutely had to share.  I was called a hypocrite for the way I love my children.  It was explained that I claim to love my children unconditionally, yet I get frustrated occasionally with them. The exact incident was when my daughter told me she wouldn't care if I got killed in a car accident, and the thought of leaving her on the side of the road was a thought.  It wasn't one I'd ever act on, but it flashed through my mind,

Now, let me be clear.  I would never leave my child anywhere, much less in traffic to fend for themselves.  The words she was saying were so hurtful, my gut instinct was to stop the pain by any means necessary.  Did I do it? No.  Why? Because I love her. When we arrived home, did I feed her the same meal as everyone else? Yes, I did.  Did I give her dessert afterwards just like everyone else? Yes, I did.  Why? Because I love her.  Because I do not want her to ever think she is less my daughter than the other 3 children I have.  No matter what she says or does, she will always be my daughter.  I will always love her, and I will never treat her differently.

That said, you line up 100 mothers and ask each of them if they've ever flipped their lid, had a parental temper tantrum, said some things they don't mean, even considered leaving their child on the side of the road, and I promise you 99% of the women standing there would have to admit they had.  The other 1% clearly doesn't spend enough time with their children.  Someone else is raising them, because children will push you to the brink of insanity.  They will crush your spirit by calling you fat, break your heart by telling you you're mean, and they will drown your dreams by letting you know you're too old.

I am not a hypocrite for venting my frustration any more than I am for being honest.  This world has enough fluff.  There is enough political correctness.  I don't know how to sugar coat things, and I refuse to be put down because I am open.  I am real.  What you see is what you get. I won't apologize for that.  There isn't anything wrong with being honest.  I have never hurt my children, despite the accusations that have been made.  I may lose my temper, but what parent hasn't?

We've all heard the phrase parenting doesn't come with a manual. It's true.  Children aren't born with instructions.  When I had the first of my 4, I had never really been around kids, certainly not a newborn.  I was lost.  I had no idea what I was doing, but I did the best I could.  I've made my fair share of mistakes. That's no secret.  We all have.  I've lost my patience, temper, composure, etc  As shameful as it is, there was a time when I was at the end of my proverbial rope, and I lost it.  The good Lord was paying attention, because as soon as I started yelling that stuffed animal suddenly appeared in my path, and low and behold, I came crashing to the ground.  It was a great humbling experience.  There was no yelling to be had after that.  We were all too busy laughing at mom busting the floor.

We're parents.  Yes, there are those super moms out there that feed their kids all organic foods and craft every week, but then there are the normal moms like me.  We make the mac n cheese with the powdered sauce, send lunchables to school when we are running late, and put our faith in our children that they brushed their teeth.  That isn't everyday, but there's nothing wrong with it. We slip.  We stumble. We fail, but we give it all we've got. There are no right and wrong answers.  I love my children, and I will not justify my parenting actions in an effort to prove that to the world. I am a mother, with a heart full of love for my tiny humans. I'm not perfect, but what's important is that they know they are loved.

Forgiving the unforgivable

Our children look to us for guidance, inspiration, but most of all as an example of what they should be. I consider myself to be a decent role model. I'm not a junkie,  alcoholic, nor am I a criminal. I believe in monogamy and am very loyal in a relationship. Of the thousand positive traits I could call off about myself,  I'm certain there are equal amounts of negative I could share. I won't,  because I really don't want to see myself in that light tonight,  but that's beside the point. My children have been watching me closely over the years,  and it has become evident they pay close attention during my times of struggle. They look for my reaction,  lack thereof,  and demeanor in every situation. I've told them for years "your attitude is the most important appearance. "  I failed to realize there was one trait I was not accustomed to portraying....forgiveness.

I began seeing a wonderful man months ago,  and like most relationships,  we found ourselves at a crossroad. Whether it was the influence of others on our relationship or the grass looking greener on the other side of the perverbial  fence,  we took a break. This break to me was final. I've said for years,  I will not give second chances, and my tiny humans were listening. My daughter, who is the oldest of the 4, saw the hurt in my eyes. She saw my tears. She witnessed my pain and had many questions,  to which I should've thought better of the answers. I spoke with emotion rather than wisdom,  and for that I will be eternally remorseful. None the less,  she adored this man before the split. After a month apart,  when I'd managed to regroup and fall into a new rhythm,  he returned. My initial instinct was to run. Why would I put myself through the same hurt I'd  already experienced?  That's not what ended up happening. We started as friends again, but my heart was captured right away,  despite my mouth spouting otherwise. Again,  my daughter was watching,  questioning,  and mostly forming her own opinion.

She couldn't refrain from asking the same question over and over again. "Mom, why would you be his friend?  You always tell us never to let someone hurt you twice." This question kept resonating in my head,  and I couldn't help but see I hadn't taught the most important lesson of love and forgiveness. I gave a valiant effort in hiring the highlights with hopes she'd understand,  but day after day her disrespect towards him grew. On one hand I was flattered. She'd expressed multiple times her hatred for me,  and yet being angry with him because he'd hurt me proved she cared. I somehow had to find the right words. We had to have a balance. The words came in the worst moment. I was reminded of the good Lord's love when I was having a hard time liking her. It was then I had the perfect teachable moment.

I sat and explained to her that though someone betray us,  we must forgive them. Yes,  earning trust is important,  but we didn't earn God's love. He gave it freely, even though day after day we failed Him. She seemed to grasp it....and then the unthinkable. "Mom,  if that's the case, why can't you forgive daddy? You don't have to like him,  but you should forgive him." OUCH!! Smitten by my own lesson! !

It hadn't occurred to me that I may have moved on,  but I was continuing to hold a grudge. I despised him for the pain he'd caused. I resented the way he ended our marriage. I loathed him for his lies and deceit. Somehow I had to find a way to let go of it. The only way I would find myself worthy of forgiveness would be to give it.

I haven't mastered the task. I struggled daily with forgiving him,  but I knew I must. The man I knew is dead and gone. I don't know the man that's caused such heartache, which is what makes forgiving him easier. I can excuse a stranger with greater ease than someone who has an emotional attachment. The breakthrough came when I made this connection. I've always said death is much like divorce,  only death is final. The man I loved died that august day after telling me he didn't love me anymore. He was buried the day he explained he was "still trying to live with me and love me, no matter what I looked like." His memory had been laid to rest,  and the man I deal with today is merely a stranger with an ax to grind. This was the revelation I'd waited for. The fat jokes no longer affected me. The rude texts and harsh words became nothing more than empty banter. Comical at times,  but meaningless. Forgiveness found him,  somehow in the disconnect. It was then I saw,   I had finalized the moving on process. I no longer wanted the fight. My goal was peace. I just wanted peace. It was the greatest weight lifted from my shoulders. For the first time in 4 years,  freedom was felt deep within my bones. I had learned that even the unforgivable was forgiven.

For the memories,  I must say thank you,  but also for the lessons. Peace be with you.

To my sweet baby girl

To my dearest daughter,

When you were little you made this little noise. It began the day you came home from the hospital.  We called it the "weed eater." It annoyed me to pieces, drove me absolutely insane.  The day I realized you no longer made that noise, I had a physical reaction.  I sat at the kitchen table and cried like a baby, because I knew I would never hear that sound again.  I regret not recording it.  I regret telling you to stop.  Looking back, it was absolutely adorable.  So many attributes about you are just that, adorable.

I wish you could understand the emotions I feel for you.  I look at you in such amazement, and I wish I could share that with you.  I am so proud of everything you have become.  You are so beautiful. Your confidence amazes me, and to hear the things you say just leaves me breathless.  You are by far the greatest thing I've ever done.

I've been promising for years that things will get better, and they just keep falling apart.  I sat here tonight and again poured my heart out in the form of waterworks, because I worry you have given up on me.  I fear you see yourself as a disappointment.  Rest assure my sweet angel, you cannot and will not ever be that in my eyes.  I will love you no matter your choices in this life, for we have all made our fair share of mistakes.  I am no stranger to failure.  I've built an empire many times and had to watch it crumble before my eyes.  I pray you never have to experience the things I've suffered in my life, although I know you will carry your own burdens.

Please know that I will be here, everyday for the rest of your life, to help lighten that load.  I will never lie to you.  I will always be straight forward and honest with you.  I have told you for years that this life is hard, but you will never have to face it alone.  No matter where your heart and dreams may find you, I will forever be only a phone call away.  I hope you know that I would move heaven and earth for you.

It is my job as your mother to love you, protect you, advise you, shield you from pain, pick you up when you fall, and dust you off to throw you back out there.  I will always be an ear to hear and a hand to hold.

Though you may not notice, I still watch you sleep and kiss your cheeks in the night.  I miss having story time with you where we read every book on the shelf and make the funny voices.  If ever you need a good laugh, your mumum will always be here to make you chuckle.  Singing in the car with you is one of my favorite hobbies, and listening to the ideas you have about life and where it will take you, always warms my heart.  You are the beat of that heart.  You have your moments when I am crushed by your words and actions, but I know there is love to be found within them.  I never hold a grudge, and I have forgiven ever harsh utterance that has crossed your lips. I sit and stare at pictures of you when you aren't here. I scroll through my phone daily watching you grow up in a slide show.

I will continue to promise that things will get better.  They will.  It may not be today.  It might now be tomorrow, but soon baby girl, very soon.  In the mean time, I will give you every ounce of my being.  You bring a smile to my heart, and I am in adoration at the woman you are becoming.  Please don't ever lose your innocence.  You will have to love some assholes in your life, but you will find the one eventually.  I will be here through every heartbreak and every downturn.  I will never interfere with your relationships, choices or decisions.  Your life is just that, yours.  I will support what ever you deem worthy, whether I agree or not, because it is your choice to make.

I pray you never feel unworthy of my love.  Please don't think that I am unapproachable.  My goal in life is to always be your friend.  My job is to steer you in the right direction, and I pray thus far I have achieved this.  Your job will be to take the path of your choosing.  Whichever this may be, I will not be far behind.  I can't protect you from every scar.  I won't be able to catch you each time you fall, but I can promise you this.  I will never abandon you.  I will always dry your tears.  I will give you any advise you seek to the best of my ability, and I will never judge you by your mistakes.  I will stand by your side and help you learn from every situation.

My hope for you is that you learn forgiveness. Give love more attention than hate.  Laugh every single day and give someone a compliment.  No matter how uneasy you are to tell someone you love them, do it as soon as you feel it.  We're not promised tomorrow, and there is no greater regret than unspoken affection. Don't ever be afraid to be yourself.  We're all a little weird.  Embrace it, and don't you ever apologize for who you are.  Hold your head high, but don't be too proud.  Know your worth. Most of all, know that I love you.  Please always remember the good times that we have shared, and no matter what this life throws your way don't ever give up.  Focus on today. I know that school will tell you not to ever do drugs, but the world will tempt you.  Just promise me you'll never do meth or heroine. Keep a sense of humor, you're going to need it.

Lastly, just like the quote says Live everyday as if it's your last, but use condoms and pay your bills just in case it's not."  

I love you sweet girl. Don't forget that.

With all my heart,
Mumum

Rolling with the punches

If the last 4 years have taught me anything, it's how to roll with the punches.  No matter what life throws my direction, my motto has become very simple -Just make it through today.  I know that sounds like an attempt to talk myself out of suicide, but really, it isn't.  It's my way of coping with the day to day roller coaster. I can't focus on the future right now, because all I have room for is today.  It's much like the saying "I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days pile up on me at once." I can't worry what tomorrow holds.  Tomorrow will be here before I know it, and worry will only detract from today.  I can't change the past and don't know the future.

Over the last month it seems things just constantly go from bad to worse. I learned a long time ago, you don't ask if things can get worse.  The universe takes that as a challenge. Oh this bitch hasn't had enough? Let's hit her one more time.  Nope! I've learned to just roll with it, learn from it, and try not to repeat it.

I want to skip to the part in life when it doesn't hurt anymore, but how do you get there?  The road seems to be all uphill. Not just a slow grade climb either,  but a straight up, sometimes upside down ascent into the foggy sky that I can't see. I don't want to be heartless,  yet it seems so much easier than bearing this tremendous burden. When does the pain end?  When do I stop feeling like a failure?  When do I hit the plateau? I just need a quick breather.

Yesterday was the day I have talked about for months-when rather than going to bed ready to fight another day,  I crumbled to the floor and fall to pieces.  My strength was gone. My courage had been defeated.

From the time I could notice what money was,  my family was well off. We never hurt for much of anything. I married a man who's family had money,  and thus we never suffered either. After my divorce I came to know the very definition of the word struggle. Just when I got to the point when I could pay all the bills on time,  something would come up where I'd be juggling them again. I've built an empire just to watch it burn, and sadly,  I was holding the match. I've burned bridges,  made stupid mistakes,  and had too much pride to apologize at times. I often wish I could just be smarter. Why can't I just skip to the part where I'm financially stable? That's when the answer hits me. That's not possible. If I sore over the hard parts, I will never appreciate the easy days.

I stand here on the bottom again,  with no where to go but up,  and I am so scared. I'm petrified of the future. So many questions burn in the back of my mind. Questions I don't want to ask, some I don't want to have.

For so long, I've lived by the concept that everybody leaves. And then it sinks in. Maybe it isn't everyone leaving, but rather me running. Could it be that I am so terrified of love that I can't accept it when it's right in front of me?  Is it possible that I self destruct in my existence to push people away?  Maybe my fear of being alone is what creates the loneliness. All these questions filter over into my parenting. I am so desperate to succeed,  and yet I just keep failing.

I see the small victories. Like when my daughter tells me I'm an OK mom. I didn't get mom of the year, but I'll settle for OK. OK isn't worst. The angry German still says he needs me, and my oldest boy still likes to wrestle with his momma. Those are victories. It's the failures I need to overcome. I spent an hour last week having a full out melt down in Kroger parking lot,  because I missed those tiny  humans so much. When do we begin to live in harmony and share our children without making them feel they have to choose?  When does the struggle end and the raising decent humans begin?  Or is this life destined to be both combined? 

I worry what my children will remember of their childhood. What will they look back and see?  Is it going to be mom and dad constantly fighting? Will the remember the tension?  I pray instead they remember the nights we built a fire to today marshmallows,  puddle jumping after the rain,  piggy back rides in the park,  and staring at the Christmas lights from under the tree. I want to finally be at the point where I see a smooth future. Until then,  I will continue to pray. I will pray for strength on the difficult days, courage when I am fearful,  wisdom when I don't have the answers,  maturity when I want to lash out,  and understanding when patience is all they need. I will pray for the ability to see the love given to me,  and not turn it away, the patience to endure the moments if rather run but stand and wait instead. Until then,  I'll just roll with the punches.

Sometimes you have to play the fool...

I'm scared. No, I'm worse than scared.  I am petrified.  I'm frozen.  I feel like Elsa in the movie Frozen! I feel like I'm coaching myself not to feel.  Don't let them in, I keep telling myself.  I spent most of my youth not feeling good enough, the better half of my young adult life feeling worthless and the next few years convincing myself I'm enough.  That doesn't solve my problem. Yes I'm rambling.  The words rattling around in my head won't make sense.  I've been hit by cupid's arrow AGAIN, and I'm just a wreck.  How does the same little cherub hit you twice? Like, seriously, go pick on someone else.  I've tried that one, it hurt like hell! And then I'm reminded that though it hurt like hell, it felt so good and toasty on the way down to the flame.....

I didn't mean to fall the first time.  I had my reservations, but that didn't stop me.  My heart just melted and the rest was a beautiful nightmare.  I woke up hurt, confused, sad, alone, and all I could mutter was "I'm fine."  I wasn't fine.  I was promised the world, and the delivery never came in.  Which brings us to round 2.

My gut instinct was DO NOT RESPOND TO THAT TEXT!  But, like any polite woman who sees a friend in need, I did.  Every woman says she wants a man to fight for her, but what she doesn't realize is they have to test the grass on the other side of the fence to see if it's greener first.  That fight usually comes with an immense loss of trust, too many sleepless nights and tears to count, and the feeling that you will die single and alone.  One day you start to turn that bleeding heart into a stone statue, and when your masterpiece is almost complete, the call comes in.  He swoops in and swears all will be different this time.  He fights like hell.  Question is, do you take part in the battle?  Do you make him pay for his sins? Do you let him see the pain he caused? I think that's the only way to show him exactly how bad his detour was, but then again, it's also opening yourself back up to the destruction.

That precious little heart of stone starts melting the moment you share the experience.

If you're like me and most of the female population, you respond.  You convince yourself you'll be strong.  You won't let him back in all at once.  You will keep your guard up.  Rome wasn't built in a day, but what you failed to see was it sure came down in one! And just like that, he's back in.  The pitter patter of butterflies in your gut begin again, and you're believing every word he says.  I just want to slap myself right now and tell myself that's not love you fool!! That's common sense leaving your body!  I can say it all day long, still not going to listen to the voice of reasoning inside my head.
Only fools rush in right? Hah! No, we don't rush in.  We stampede in like the British cavalry in New England. Ready for war! Ready to ensure our fate doesnt end just like theirs- bullet to the heart and a slow humiliating march back to camp full of defeat. Sometimes you just have to play the fool,  to see who's fooling who.

Beauty is only skin deep

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone, he said.  My heart sank into my shoes the day those words made sense.  He was right.  A pretty face is just that, just a face.  A perfect body is only the product of the work you put into it, but the heart is what makes a person beautiful.  The most gorgeous person can become hideous with one slip of the tongue.  Yet on the other hand, an exquisite personality can make the least attractive a beautiful soul.

The guilt that gossip brings from judging a person's inward beauty on their outward appearance does not escape me.  I wonder,  how did that person get to where they are? Why do they feel ashamed? Why do we look at them in disgust?  I am not talking about the woman that sat on her couch for so long that her skin fused to the sofa.  That is filth and laziness. I'm referring to the woman with the dimples up the back of her legs, the stretch marks around her abdomen and thighs, and the laugh lines around her eyes.  

I am no stranger to any of these "flaws" as we all call them.  I've come to the conclusion they are not flaws at all, but a story to be told.  My body isn't perfect, but it's my skin, and I'm going to be in it for a while.  So, I got very comfortable with it.  I wear the swim suit at the beach.  I've heard some awesome comments.  My own daughter looked at me in disgust when I wore a 2 piece... until I explained what real beauty was.  

Those dimples are a gentle reminder that we enjoy the simple things in life.  I love salad, but I also love brownies.  My momma pouch shows that I would rather cuddle with my babies on the couch than go to the gym.  Those laugh lines mean I have a sense of humor.  Why is that a thing to be ashamed of? There is no shame for me anymore.  The streaks of gray that filter through my hair are like badges of honor to me. The map of Asia around my belly button, that has a hernia in it, is the road map that brought my 4 children into this world.  Those little lines on my forehead and around my eyes were created with character.  I will not belittle the magic therein.  

Time has kissed my sweet cheeks, both sets, and this doesn't bother me at all.  The skin that once had such elasticity is now beginning to melt. The skin that once carried a golden bronze is now practically see through and pasty. And I'm ok with it.  I'm good with it, because I know where my heart is.

Please don't let me discourage anyone who wants to better their outward appearance. But please, do it for you.  Do it because you want to be more fit to keep up with your babies.  Do it for your reasons, not those of others.

I tell my daughter daily that the most beautiful thing a girl can wear is a good attitude.  Love yourself and those around you.  That sparkle will shine brighter than any imperfection in your body. The light of your soul should burn with such passion that no matter what size, shape, color, or fashion could ever attempt to dull it.  Believe that you are not just beautiful. You're dazzling, magnificent, divine, alluring, fascinating, enticing, exquisite.  Don't just say it, believe it.  We are all attractive.  Our bodies are the story of our lives.  Don't ever be ashamed of that, because after all, beauty is only skin deep. Develop a pure heart with love so deep it outshines the sun.  Create the magic around you.  Be daring, be bold, but mostly...be you.  You are perfect.  

There will be days like this

There will be those days...when nothing seems to go right, nothing pleases anyone, and ultimately you feel like a failure.  We've all had them, and there will be many more to come.  On these days every single choice you make will inevitably lead to tears, from the underwear you choose for him to wear when he gets out of the shower to the 14 shirts he refuses to put on.  Someone will lose their only pair of shoes 5 minutes after you were supposed to walk out the door.  Your hair won't look good, because you chose to curl it on the most humid day of the year. Your white pants will get stained by the hands that found the chocolate cookie they lost in the back seat last week.  They will leave their lunch money on the table or in the car seat on the day when you have a million errands to run, and there is no cash left on the account.  And the plans you all decided on and were so excited about last night, will become the worst idea on earth in at least one of their minds.  There will be plenty of tears shed.  Explicatives will be said.  Frustration will explode into yelling, and you will question why you even try.  This will result in an immense amount of guilt, but remember, you're not a failure. 

There's a choice to be made in this situation.  Do you find the shoes and show up to church 10 minutes late?  Do you go forward with the plans to go to the zoo and pray you don't lose custody by the end of the day? Or do you change your plans altogether?  You could just stay home, go to the park, hang out and watch a movie.  Lots of choices.

Today, I had this day.  The moment my daughter stepped in the car, there was nothing but tension, and I saw it coming as soon as I pulled in her sight of the car ride line.  "Ugh.....hi mom" she began.  "Hey sweetie! How was your day?" "Whatever, I hate that song, and you sound like crap.  Change it."  All I could think was Damn, what did Ido this time? Truth is, I existed.  I had no idea, but I knew there was no fixing it.  I've come to the realization that there is no solution for this attitude.  I've also stopped negotiating with terrorism.  When you want to join the rest of the collective world and be nice, come on.  Until then, you can sulk, complain, be a recluse, nap, whatever.  I'll love you from a distance, fix you a nice tasty dinner, and wait for you to come around.  She emerged with a better attitude after dinner with a hug to say thank you for your patience. 

Patience is all I have to offer these days, and in so many ways, I've mastered the art.  The kids don't want to go do what we had planned? Fine and good.  We shuffle, rearrange, postpone, cancel, whatever it takes.  I've learned to pick my battles. Pick out your own clothes, and I will pray you don't look homeless.  Fix your own hair, and I will pray we don't look like a Hot Topic ad.  I buy the candy on the way in the store so there's no meltdown at the counter.  Sometimes we eat dessert before dinner, and some nights I prepare 4 different meals.  If they're pitching a fit in the back seat, I just tune it out.  Y'all want to fight? Duke it out.  I'm not intervening until there's blood.

I've come to several conclusions....

Your kids are going to hate you at some point. They will.  They'll probably even tell you about it in great detail, but they'll definately show you.  You know what this means? You're doing your job!  You're not allowing them to just do whatever they want.  You're demanding respect.  You're teaching them integrity. Keep it up.

You will be stupid from the time the kids are about 10 years old until they're 19. Just brace yourself.  You're shaping up to be the biggest idiot on this planet. Want to know why? Because again you're not allowing them to just do whatever they want.  People have to learn the hard way.  She loves that guy, and he would never treat her badly.  You saying so is only going to make you dumber, but when he hurts her, it's your job to pick her back up, dust her off and dry her tears.  Just know that by the time they get about 21, you'll be back to a normal human, and they may even admit that you know what? They may even admit you were right a time or two. 

There will be days when you feel completely defeated.  It is what it is.  Some days are not salvagable.  It's on these days, you cry in the shower and pray for better days ahead.  Stop feeling guilty!  An amazing friend managed to call right in the middle of my pity party yesterday.  He said "Liz, you know what you need to do? Shut the f#ck up. Get over it b#tch! You're a mom.  You do the best you can, and they know it.  They know you love them.  Stop stressing over it."  Holy crap! Did that ever put me in my place?!  He was right.  Since when did parenting come with a manual? Never.  There's no right or wrong answers sometimes.  Sure, it's wrong to beat your kids. Yes, it's right to love them. But there are seriously some gray areas.  The uncharted territories of parenting have left me baffled so many tiems, I've lost count.  Just do the best you can.  You win some battles. You lose others.  The good Lord knows you're trying, and as long as they know you love them, you're good. 

They always come home. No matter where those tiny humans go in life, no matter what they grow to be, they'll always come home.  When they're hungry, when they have no money, a place to stay,  failed marriages, dropped out of college, whatever, they know you love them. It may take them a few years to see where they've gone wrong, but when they do, they'll knock on your door. We all did it.  Hated to admit I was wrong, but I sure asked if I could come home....more than once. Just wait for it. 

Do me a favor. Do what my friend told me to do.  Go look in the mirror.  Ask yourself "what do I see?"  What do you see?  When I looked in that mirror, I had tear stains on my cheeks. My nose was red from crying, and my eyes were puffy.  But, I saw a fighter.  I saw a woman with so many scars, but those scars are the road map of the journey I've been on.  The best part of that journey? I've never quit.  I may change directions a million times. I may go in circles now and then, but I get up every single day and fight.  Hell, I may fight the same demons from yesterday, last week, last month or last year, but I continue to fight them none the less.  We don't quit.  We don't give up.  We are parents.  This is war, and we are in it to win it.  Many nights we come home and lay our armor down and crumble to the floor.  It takes courage to get back up, but we get back up.  Like I said, there will be tears.  There will be swearing.  Sometimes your kid's being an asshole.  Sometimes, they need to hear that they're being an inconsiderate asshole.  You don't give up on that kid though.  You teach them to be a decent human, and you love them no matter what. 

The Legacy

Do you ever wonder what you will leave behind in this world?  What will your spouse remember most about you? What stories will the tiny humans share with their friends and loved ones long after you've gone? Maybe it's morbid, but I wonder sometimes.  I don't have to question what my ex would say.  That will be nothing short of "She was a piece of sh#t, who hated her kids, horrible wife...." blah blah blah. I'd like to believe we'd be mature enough at that point to tell the stories of the good times we shared as a family, but I won't hold my breath. 

I don't care to have fame and fortune.  Honestly, money does not hold much weight with me.  It's great to have don't get me wrong, but if that's all you have, you're seriously lacking.  Material possessions are just that, possessions. In the blink of an eye they can be gone, so they're just not that valuable.  I want to leave amazing memories. 

I want my children to look at photos of me and think Mom really knew how to have fun. She was awesome. She could always make us laugh, and no matter how bad things got, she still smiled. My children have seen me cry too many tears, but in my darkest hour, I give my all to make them laugh.  I hope they remember all the craft projects we worked on.  Memories of going puddle jumping should race through their minds when it rains.  When they see a pair of converse, I want them to remember those as my favorite pair of shoes.  A million images flash through my head when I think of them, and I pray that's the same for them.  Yes, they will recall the times that were not so pleasant.  They will inevitably remember the time I called them an asshole, because quite frankly, they needed to know they were being one.  But, what else will come to mind?

As I sit here sifting through the past in my mind, I know there are so many hilarious stories they will tell about me.  I know this, because it's left an impression now.  Several years ago, my oldest son kept asking why I always made him take his teacher flowers.  "Why do we always have to do this?!" I explained to him in depth how when you go to meet a girl, you never show up empty handed...ever.  I don't care what you take her- flowers, chocolate, wine, beer, gum, a pogo stick, just take something that says hey I thought enough about our meeting to bring you a gift. That doesn't just hold for girls.  Dinner invitations, grandparents, whatever, if you're going to meet someone, take them something. Back on track, he still to this day remembers that lesson.  I hear him telling the Angry German sometimes "You gotta take that girl something and tell her she's beautiful."  It makes me smile.

The Angry German also has stories to tell, even now at 3 years old.  I gave him a kiss one day, and he got WAY too into it.  I expected a peck from a 2 year old! I pulled back and said "Geez! Don't get wierd on me!"  To this day, he thinks it's hilarious to ask me for a kiss and tell me not to get wierd. 

On our way to school, I always try to play fun music to brighten the kids day, and lately it's been a challenge to get any form of emotion from my daughter in the mornings.  This morning showed me she's been paying attention to my techniques.  I was cruising along, almost as if I'd given up on the quest of making them laugh, and she started dancing funny, poking me, and making crazy faces.  I couldn't help but laugh.  She was doing exactly what I do for her. 

I hope someday to meet someone that I will share my life with, and I often ponder what he will think.  I heard once that the greatest pain you'll ever feel is in the moment just between sleep and awake when you reach over and touch the empty pillow where the love of your life used to rest.  Altho I remember being lonely so many nights, I don't have this recollection, because once the ex and I separated, I never slept in that bed again.  Never slept in that house again.  So, that memory isn't there.  Will the man I marry feel this pain? Will he refuse to wash my pillow, so my scent stays forever?  Will he redecorate the house?  Sell all my crap and move on with his life?  I wonder sometimes. 

I can only hope that whomever I settle with...if I ever settle again, will have thousands of pictures of us together, adventures, travel, special moments, quirky days with nothing to do.  I would like to be remembered fondly.

The few things I do know that will be recalled about me.  No one will ever be able to say I turned my back on them.  I don't care how much resentment and bitterness our relationship turned into, there's not a soul on this planet that can say I refused to pick up the phone.  I have extended an ear to people I've dated because they had no one else.  I've hugged past friends that had done me wrong.  I have toasted the good times, that I don't remember fondly. I have sat in hospital rooms with people I knew despised me, cooked their meals and read stories them, because I knew no one else had the time.  I never asked for anything in return. Hell, I'd go bail my ex out of jail if he needed me. He'd hear about it,  and I'd probably take a selfie with him for later laughs,  but I'd go. It's who I am.

Those around me know that I love my children beyond measure.  I would do anything for them, and I do not consider money in this equation.  Affection cannot and should not be purchased.  But, everyone close to me knows, they come first.  I'm not the type to hire sitters constantly. I'm not afraid to haul all 4 together out in public to run around.  They are what keeps me from coming unglued. 

I've tried to make a point of letting those around me know that I care.  If tomorrow never comes, I hope that each will know how I felt, the fun times we shared, and how precious you are.  There are those in my life that I no longer have contact with for various reasons, but in the times we did share, I still remember the joy.  I don't like holding onto bitterness.  Live and let die, but leave a legacy when you go.

I plan to leave that legacy. I have thousands of pictures, good, bad,  ugly,  fat,  thin,  etc, and all for my children to cherish. I did not destroy the pictures from my past. They have a box of photographs from when we were a family. I have no intentions of cutting holes in their memories. I want my children to know,  mom loved us. We never had to question that. Mom did the best she could. She shielded us from a much pain as possible. She was honest, even when it hurt. She chose to steer us in the right direction, but it was up to us to take it. And,  she supported our decisions even if she didn't agree. We could tell her anything,  and there would be no judgments. If we were scared,  she'd turn the light on. If we needed a hug,  she knew before we asked,  and she never turned her back on us, even after we hurt her. No matter how hot or tired she was,  we went to the park to run. It didn't matter if she was thin or fat,  she came swimming. She stood for what she believed in and encouraged us to do the same. Mom was crazy and wild,  but she was loving and kind. Mom was there even if we couldn't see her. She was only a phone call away. Mom really did love us,  with everything she had. She wasn't perfect, she was perfect imperfection, and she was perfect for us.

A tall glass of organized chaos with a shot of humor on the side, cause we're all in this together

Crazy things start to happen when you become a parent.  You lose your sanity one day at a time.  It begins with the lack of sleep over the first few months, and continues into the lack of memory that goes on for years.  Privacy becomes a thing of the past.  You'll shower, poop, dress, cook, clean, and everything in between with an audience.  Your perfectly clean and organized home suddenly has tiny handprints on the doors and windows.  You will inevitably find a petrified chicken nugget at least once at the bottom of the toybox, which will inspire you to purchase the small bins and ditch the giant box that leads to the abyss.   Sippy cups seemingly disappear without a trace, only to be found a week or so later with a mystery substance chunked up to the side. You won't wash these, because the only safe place for this toxic sludge is the trash. 

You will be peed on, pooped on and puked on so many times you'll lose count.   You'll find yourself sniffing butts without shame and at least once, you'll pull the back of a diaper out, and your finger will immerge with crap on it.   If you're one of the lucky ones, your kid will poop in your hand as you're wiping his rear end.  The words I'm done!! will become your pager with the interpretation every parent knows means come wipe my butt!!.  Isn't parenting fun?

I'm not stranger to any of these scenarios.  With 4 kids, I've experienced it all, from the neighbors being greeted by your 3 year old with "Look, I peeing on the tree!" to carrying naked Barbies through Target every day of my life.10 years ago if you told me I'd use the phrase "don't lick that" and "where are your pants" in the same conversation, I'd for certain wonder if you had gone mad.  Now,  that's an every day kind of conversation. 

"Don't eat the dogs food!"
"Oh for the love of sweet tea, did you just sniff your finger after you scratched your crack?"
"There's not farting in the kitchen!"
"We don't touch another human!"
"Don't step on your brother's head!"
"Why is there peanut butter on the tv?"

These are just a few of the random things you'll hear on a weekly basis.  One of our neighbors once told me, every day they would make up a new rule in their house.  It would be off the wall crazy too, like "today kids, there will be no streaking through the backyard under any circumstances."  When asked why this became a tradition, he was honest. At some point you're going to have to address that situation, and you at least need them to know it's not ok.  It was a couple years before I had to have this conversation, and all I could think was dear God, he was right!

I'm good with it though.  I've had to explain some of the most bizarre situations. I've been asked some of the worst questions.  I could do like some parents and sugar coat the hell out of it or avoid the answer all together, but I choose not to.  They'll have enough to figure out on their own. I will give them the scoop on whatever I can to pave that road a little smoother.  So when someone gets into my car and makes a comment about the "stuff" that's in it, just know, if we are ever stranded in my vehicle, we will never starve, freeze, or be bored.  There will be a half empty juice pouch somewhere under a seat, at least 6 weird toys to play with, and several articles of clothing, maybe even a few shoes.  You will find fries somewhere and at least 86 cents in change.  If you're lucky, a lighter, a random phone charger and all the mail you can imagine. 

Being a parent requires a sense of humor. If you don't have one, I can assure you, it will be the longest few decades of your life.  You'll need to cope with the fact that getting the kids in the car sometimes takes longer than the errand itself.  The entire store will turn to stare and probably not ask if you or the kids are ok when one dumps your shopping cart over, and the woman your child asks why she's so fat will be offended, and there's no explanation you can give.  When you slip and say "Holy shit, I'm so fucking sorry" in front of a kid, they will repeat it...in context...in a room full of people.  Someone will get the raging poopins in public at least once. It might even be you.  The kids will discover mom's box of tampons, and trust me all you can do is laugh when they play rockets in the back yard with them.  Maxi pads look just like diapers, and it doubles as a sticker.  Bless your heart the first time you get walked in on while putting one of these products to use.  That'll be a fun conversation, but you'll laugh about it later on. 

I've learned to roll with the punches and smile and the bizarre looks we get.  I think more parents should give a high fives and fist bumps to their fellow comerades on a job well done when we diffuse a tantrum in the store and escape with our dignity.  I do not criticize other moms and dads on their parenting skills and methods any more.  I've reached the point in my life that if the bubble gum shuts them up, we buy it!

So cheers to the next sports season, where we will all put thousands of miles on our vehicles trekking between ball fields, rotating games to see all the kids in a weekend, the hundreds of dollars we will waste on junk they don't need but will keep them entertained, and random rule we will each have to create, just because it'll come into play someday.  Let's all have fun, and someone please share your story with me so I know we're in this together. 

The best I never had

I absolutely love scrolling through facebook and reading all the little ecards about how he's going to realize one day, you were the best he ever had.  Really?  Let's be brutally honest here... have you ever had anyone see this, let alone share this reality with you?  Come on now.  Only once has anyone ever called to share his regrets of moving on.  Once.  Take a wild guess as to what his motive behind the words were.  Yes, you guessed it.  He merely wanted between my sheets, not the pages of my heart. 

Men don't call you up months after a breakup and tell  you how amazing you were.  They don't suddenly come to some epiphany  that they let the greatest thing in the world slip right through their grasp.  Maybe I'm missing something, but that's not how it works.  If you were the best thing he ever had, he'd still have you.  If he loved you that much, no lame excuse, stupid reasoning or massonistic misunderstanding would've stood in the way.  He would've seen past all the flaws, accepted every failure, and forgiven every mistake. 

Go with me on this, but I have a slight opinion about why these little quotes exist.  Is it at all possible that that's just what we want him/her to think?  It's possible that he may see someday that no one has ever loved him quite like you did.  No one has ever made him feel that same way.  There may be an ounce of regret, but he isn't going to share that with the class.  And should he decide it's a good idea to let you in on this, I pray this is the moment you realize your worth.  You're better than that, and he should've seen it back then. I'm not saying don't give second chances, because we all need one now and then. What I'm saying is if he's willing to let you go, break your heart, cause that kind of pain, consider what the second go round will be like.  I stand on my little soap box and preach about never giving second chances, and I don't.  I make sure to give about 8 or 9 just to make sure it was a bad idea, but I'm learning that with each new opportunity I give someone, it only makes me more bitter towards them.  There's less attachement.  I feel less.  I don't let them in anymore.  Who does that benefit?  If you can't give your all, why give any?

We all have the what if, the unicorn, the one that got away in our past.  I have one too.  We had a chemistry that was undeniable to anyone in the room with us.  We were amazing.  We loved so deeply, but should he call today and swear I was the best he never had, please let's try again, I would say no.  A rekindled flame is like left over chinese- it's still got some flavor, but the rice will never be the same.  We won't have that kind of love again, and I know it.  No matter how much I may think it feels good,  in the back of my mind I will always be waiting for the next reason to let me go.  I'm better than that.  I'm worth more than that, and had he seen my worth, he wouldn't have let me go in the first place.  So no, no one will ever love him the way I did.  No one will ever replace me, because there's only one of me, but I'll have to be the what if in his mind too. 

Oh dear daughters, if he sees that you are the best he's ever had, he never would've stepped out. He never would've insulted your intelligence by lying to you.  He wouldn't need a lame excuse to say maybe we can try this again later.  If you wait until he's ready you'll be waiting for the rest of your life.  It's now or never.  Either see my value and hold on for dear life, or let me go. 

Please Lord if I fail in every aspect of parenting, please let me instill into my children their value, self worth and independence.  I pray they hear me when I say this life is far too short to be anything but happy.  If it's not fulfilling your purpose in life, move on. Be the best he or she never had, but don't be naive enough to think they're ever going to tell you that. 

A light in a dark place

For someone who's seen their fair share of heartache, it's instinctual to find something to hope for.  It's like the brightest star in the sky that we wish on as kids.  It becomes the focal point that's unwaivering.  We all need this, and it can be anything.  I have found solace in the simplest of things- a smile from a stranger when all I wanted to do was break down,  a quote on pinterest that just seemed to speak right to my soul, or a gentle reminder from a friend that no matter what life throws at me, it'll be ok. 

What I didn't realize was that during my struggles,  I was somehow the focal point for someone else not to give up.  Seeing me pick myself up day after day and deal with each obstacle, sometimes 10 at a time, was their reason to be strong and perservere.  With each post to my blog that somehow emptied my heart and made room for the next battle, she was watching.  She was waiting and reading for the next set of words that could give her courage to continue silently. 

I have never aspired to be a hero.  Up until last week, I couldn't imagine that anyone would look to me for words of wisdom. What did I know?  So many days I see myself as more of a screw up than an example.  But, here I was, in the spotlight.  I struggle to understand how I could help anyone. I don't have money to give, but I do have an experience, a testimony.  It tugs at my heartstrings to think someone else in this world is going through similar situations.  I know there are those who have much worse situations than mine, but I wouldn't wish the pain I've experienced on my worst enemy, certainly not on anyone I care about. 

I attended a church service recently with a friend, and the pastor spoke about being an advocate.  I have always wanted to join some sort of group and help give back to the community, to teach my tiny humans to help others, and bring hope and beauty to the world around me.  I didn't see until now that sharing my story was in a small way, just that.  I have known for so long that my children are watching me.  As they grow, I want them to remember the mother that would never succumb to the struggles.  I will never quit. I am determined to show them that no matter what this life throws at me, I can overcome. 

About 5 years ago, a very dear friend's husband took his own life.  I remember hearing the news, the look on her face, the heartbreak in her voice.  I can recall wondering how it got so bad that he would do such a thing.  How could he leave his family?  How could he be so careless? I hear people say suicide is the coward's way out. Ah, maybe so, but to me, it takes one hell of a nerve to pull that trigger.  How far backed into a corner do you have to be to feel there's no way out other than death?  I'm so thankful I have never been that low.  I have been extremely down,  seen some very dark days, but I am no quitter. Taking your own life doesn't take away the pain.  It hands it to someone else.  Someone else gets to pick up the pieces you leave behind.  Your loved ones get to try to make sense of your chaos. I will never leave that burden for another.  I want to be the reason someone looks in the mirror and decides to try one more day.

Life is beautiful.  You just have to know where to look. It's in the stars that no one ever stops to look up at,  the rustle of the leaves on a crisp fall morning, the clouds rolling overhead.  There is peace if you can quiet the noise.  Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel really is the train, but not always.  If it is, duck.  Dodge it or roll with it to the next station.  You never know...struggles are the good Lord's way of leading you to something better.  Don't ever give up.  Don't ever let this life make you feel worthless.  We are all perfect in our imperfections, and whether you see it or not, someone is watching you.  Someone loves you.  There is at least one person that wants to see you succeed when it seems everyone is determined to watch your failure.  When you trip and fall, take a moment to look at the sky.  It's magnificent.  Smile with your shortcomings.  Laugh at your blunders. Find joy in your habits. Most of all find peace in your heart. 

Competing for the Crown

Have you ever seen those parents that seem to force their children to be better than everyone else's? They cheer the loudest at every game.  They stand right behind home plate coaching every move.  Don't get me wrong,  I love my kids, and I will cheer so loudly when they do something great.  But really, what are you proving when you are constantly in their ear? It's the same as micromanaging.  You're making them feel inferior, as if they can't quite get it right.  Why not just let them do it?

Over the years I've noticed my ex's family do these things, and recently I read an article about the narcisstic parent.  It was as if every word was describing them.  From the way they coach at a ball game, to the way they convince my children the worst hair cut possible is great, it was them.

The past few months I have noticed an increasing tendancy for my daughter to say that she is stupid or ugly.  Words like that bother me and confuse me.  I tell her she's beautiful all the time.  I make sure to emphasize that beauty doesn't come in a size, it's in the heart.  I can't count how many times I've told her that her attitude is the most important thing in beauty.  The prettiest face can be ruined by an ugly demeanor.  The perfect body can be stained by a disrespectful and hateful heart.  People may love to look at you all day long, but if when you open your mouth no one can stand you, there's  a serious problem. 

It breaks my heart to hear her say she is an idiot.  She's the most brilliant child I know. How is it possible for her to feel stupid?  I am constantly reminding her that we are all humans. We won't get it right the first time, and if we do it was sheer luck.  Life will be full of mistakes.  You just brush the dirt off when you fall down and keep moving. 

I am convinced that the style of parenting happening on the other end of the spectrum is what's fueling these insecurities.  Children should be taught to be comfortable in their own skin.  Stop pointing out what they're doing wrong and let them have fun.  They're going to strike out a few times.  My choice of words fall along the lines of "that's ok, we'll get another chance in a few."  The words coming from behind home plate are more like "you're still dropping that shoulder. You just need to watch the ball a little harder."  It's nothing short of infureating.  I just want to scream sometimes.  While you're over here trying to create the perfect ball player, you're missing the fact that IT'S JUST A GAME!! It's supposed to be fun, and if they can't even enjoy it for fear of making a mistake, then I don't want them to play.  The point of sports at this age is to teach the kids to work together.  It's about team building skills and social interaction. We're not training an Olympian.

I don't want my children to feel the pressure that they've got to be a certain way.  I felt it my entire life, and years of therapy and self discovery only showed me that dropping the dead weight of expectations was the BEST thing I could've done.  Not everyone is going to make all A's in school.  Not everyone is musically inclined. Brace yourselves for what I'm about to say. Not every child is athletic. (Something tells me my ex and his family read this blog, and I am imagining the look of OMG who farted?! because I just wrote that. But it is true.) I emphasize every single day to my tiny humans to enbrace who they are.  There will inevitably be someone who criticizes their choices. Why worry about it?  If you're thin, they'll say you've got an eating disorder. If you're overweight, you must be depressed.  If you're hair isn't perfect one day, you're letting yourself go. Jesus, just do what you want and be comfortable in your skin. You're going to be in it for a while. 

As for the parents, if you see yourself as this type of parent, know the rest of us cringe when we see you coming.  I'm not saying lower your standards.  Raise the bar, by all means, but find a new way to go about it.  If you can hit the ball out of the park, don't sit behind the plate shouting strategies as to how they can.  Sit down, shut up, cheer the team on, and let them be kids.

Enough

Enough. I am enough. I am good enough. I've seen enough. I've heard enough.  I've had enough. It's enough.

I preach daily about the life lessons that have been so cruel and yet taught me so much.  Looking back they are each a blessing in disguise.  They say when one door closes, a window opens. This is true....although in my case that window may be on the third floor somewhere.

It's nearly comical to me how people will sit back and judge your life on what they think it should be.  I may judge you for the choice in pants you put on in the morning to go to Wal-Mart, but I will never criticize where you are in life.  We all have our battles.  They each lead us down our own path, so unless you're on the exact same path as me, because you've made all the same choices, how is it your place to say where I should be? And if you are, then you wouldn't be looking at me funny, because you've failed just as much!  

I have started over several times in my adult life. I have failed miserable, picked myself up out of the ashes, built a whole new life and burned it down again.  Sometimes you have to strike that match.  Burning that bridge isn't always a bad thing. It's all a part of finding yourself, your happiness.  This life is far too short to be anything but happy.  I have an obsession for pinterest, and I have read so many inspirational quotes that talk about being happy, leaving that miserable job, selling everything you own and roaming free around the world.  Well, I'm not about to sell off everything I own to roam the countryside, because after all, I like to eat, and my cave man skills are less than sub par. But, recently I have come to understand first hand that if you have to dread 9 hours out of your day, you are not where you need to be.  For me, it took too long to see this. A mistake, I never intend to make again. If it's not adding to my joy, then it's taking away from it, and you'll see me walking away. 

I have been given the opportunity to follow my dreams, and I will do nothing less than just that. It took several days of soul searching.  A few tears were shed, not many but a few.  A celebration took place.  So much stress was born. And then suddenly the light bulb came on.  This is what I've wanted! This is the answer I've been looking for.  Of course I chuckled and thought haha, found the ladder to the third floor. But truth,  sometimes you have to take that leap, in my case a violent shove off the roof, and build your wings on the way down.  (yes, I read that somewhere on pinterest)

Thus why I am enough.  I believe in myself.  I may be crazy, but I am crazy enough to believe that I will make it.  I'm not sure where "it" is, but I'm on my way.  I am strong enough to succeed.  I am smart enough to walk away from the things that no longer serve me.  I am wise enough to see through the people that smile to my face, but wouldn't even whistle if I were about to be hit by a car.  I am polite enough not to call them out on this bullshit.  I am beautiful enough to bring light to this dark world, even if it's just a smile to a stranger.  I am young enough to start over every time I see the need.  I am old enough to know the difference between starting over and failing. I'm brave enough to know where I want to be, and will to do whatever it takes to get there. I am strong enough to carry myself.  But most of all, I am crazy enough to believe that dreams come true. 

We get the answers to our prayers in some of the most unimaginable ways at times, but they're answers none the less. The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train sometimes, but if you truly listen to your heart, follow you passion, and never give up, someday, it could lead you to Narnia. You've got to hit a few bumps in the road.  You have to lose it all to value what you've got, but oh the sweet reward.

Hateful Love

Have you ever had those moments when you just want to strangle your kids? Or maybe just stop in the middle of heavy traffic and kick them to the curb? Life is hard. The world is cruel. Good Luck!!  You'd be lying, and we all know it if you said no.  At least once in every parent's life, their child's actions has driven them to a thought they're ashamed to admit aloud.  Most of us would never carry out these actions.  I would NEVER in a million years drop my child off at a busy intersection, barefoot with no sense of direction, 10 miles  from home....but that doesn't mean it didn't cross my mind as she screamed the words I hate you!!!!  I was frozen.  The only thing I could say to her was how much I loved her, and how I would always love her no matter what.  When later that evening she described in vivid detail how if I died in a car crash she wouldn't care, I kept telling her I loved her.  Through tears, extreme nausea and immense emotional pain, I still loved that kid.  Even when she raised her fist at me....that was the worst thought I'd had yet, but I still loved her.  I wasn't afraid of her hitting me.  I feared my reaction.  I had never been in that position, and I certainly didn't want to experience it that night.  Tensions were all together too high, and there was no telling what would happen. 

Thankfully, I managed to deescalate the situation peacefully and with no violence.  I was able to show her through a few simple actions that I loved her no matter what was going through her mind.  It was in these moments I realized more than ever, she was her mother's daughter.  That was the scariest of all things, but it helped me to understand how to get through to her.  You can take every material possesion in this world away, but that won't change her.  You can beat her.  You can yell at her.  You could do every negative form of discipline there is, and it would only fuel her fire.  I know this first hand.  I don't respond to negativity.  I'm like George Bush.  I don't negotiate with terrorists. But, if you come at me with love, patience, understanding, and an explanation,  there's a strong possibility that I will turn it around.  That's exactly what I gave her that night, and each day I've seen her since.  I held that girl so tight, and I told her how much it hurt my heart to hear those words, but I'd always love her.  I did this as she screamed at me.  I'm certain the neighbors heard the whole shebang, and I didn't care.  I was determined to break through. 

A breakthrough was exactly what happened, but I didn't realize it until 3 days later.  As I swung by the house for a second, I was greeted at the door with the sweetest, most precious little girl.  She was beaming with excitment to see me, and it was then I realized how much I had missed that kid.  My heart was so overwhelmed with emotions, I burst into tears.  I held that girl so tight! I didn't want to let go.  She had been so angry over the past few years., especially the past few months.  Children will ask for love in the most hateful ways, and that had become evident.  She was simply demanding my attention.  It was crystal clear she just needed to know that I was there- that I loved her no matter what.  I was bursting at the seams all afternoon, dying to get home to hang out with those tiny humans. 

It's been 3 weeks now, and it seems the new direction I am taking is effective.  I have no disillusions here.  I know there will be more times ahead of hatred and unrest, but for the moment, I have that adorable little girl back that I have missed so much.  I have seen her face week after week for 3 years, and yet on that Wednesday afternoon, I saw the real her again.  I will cherish every moment I get with her.  And in the times when I become stupid to her, and she decides to hate me again, I will love her.  I will show her how much I love her.  I may consider spraying her down with a cold water hose, but I will love her still. 

The not so single, single parent

The thought occurred to me yesterday that I am not a single parent.  I'm a parent.  I am a single woman, but that doesn't make me a single parent. In fact, there hasn't been a moment in the last 10 years that I've parented alone.  My children have a support system made up of some amazing people, a few assholes, and a network of family.  Their family doesn't have to be DNA related, in my book.  Family is made of the people who've got your back. They're your ride or die, your best friends, and the folks who will be there for you, no questions asked....sometimes with a 6 pack and bail money.

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard someone ask how I do it there would be a lot less worry about the upcoming bills. I'd probably be set for life.  I admit it, having 4 kids isn't easy.  But, I also didn't acquire them over night.  I know people who've adopted multiple children, and God bless them. It isn't easy.  Some days it's down right exhausting. No matter how many children you have, they're still not the most manageable humans.  Sometimes just getting to the car takes longer than the errand itself. Cringe worthy moments happen every single day. The last cookie is usually eaten by mom in the closet in one bite with no crumbs to spare.  Other times,  your best friend eats it right in front of them leaving you to explain why they can't have one.  Only someone with really thick friend genes would survive this of course.

Over the last decade, I have done much of the parenting on my own.  That is not to discredit anyone that has lent a hand through the years, but I can't remember the last time I was able to go grocery shopping alone.  That just doesn't happen.  We load up and terrorize the store- all 5 of us. There aren't an over abundance of options for last minute child care when your family lives hundreds of miles away.  You just tend to figure it out.  That said, I'm still not alone.  I have a running list of people on speed dial for little emergencies.  

Just last week I arrived at our custody exchange only to notice I had 2% battery life, no phone charger and no car seat.  Awesome! And that came with an eye roll and a loud "ugh." I sent 3 text messages before my phone died and then just sat and waited on one of them to appear.  Amazingly enough, I wasn't worried.  I know my support system, and you can believe that before I used the last ounce of battery life, I chose the top 3 most dependable peeps.  The angel that appeared drove 45 minutes from where she was to my house, got the seat and drove another 45 minutes to me.  No questions asked.  If that isn't a support system, I don't know what is.  I think the saddest part of this encounter was that my ex was sitting there watching the entire time...with a carseat in the back of his vehicle.  And yes, the eye roll was right behind that sentence as well.  

My ex had the audacity to criticize my "single parenting" a day or so after this.  All I could think was wow! Had you attempted to coparent the way you're always preaching about, that would've been a simple exchange. Here's the baby, and here's his seat. What was a going to do? Steal the seat?  I have 2 extras, thanks.  Instead, he parked directly behind me and videoed me while waiting.  Why? Your guess is as good as mine.  To make me uncomfortable perhaps? Maybe, I don't know.  

The moral of the story here, is I don't parent alone.  He's a parent.  His parents are involved.  I'm certain they spend more time with our kids than he does.  My friends, my family, if he had any friends, his family...we're all a part of these kids lives.  How is that parenting alone?  They say it takes a village to raise a child.  That's absolutely correct.  My youngest son doesn't have his dad in his life, but that won't stop him from having strong male figures involved.  I can't take the place of his father.  I don't have the mentality nor the equipment, but he won't suffer. We as parents are never alone. We may not have the largest network, and last minute drop offs may not be easy, but we are not in this alone.  Look around you.  Do you see the system in place.  I do.  I am so grateful for each person that has stood beside me, holding my hand, drying my tears, loving me and my children, just like family.