Have you ever seen those parents that seem to force their children to be better than everyone else's? They cheer the loudest at every game. They stand right behind home plate coaching every move. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, and I will cheer so loudly when they do something great. But really, what are you proving when you are constantly in their ear? It's the same as micromanaging. You're making them feel inferior, as if they can't quite get it right. Why not just let them do it?
Over the years I've noticed my ex's family do these things, and recently I read an article about the narcisstic parent. It was as if every word was describing them. From the way they coach at a ball game, to the way they convince my children the worst hair cut possible is great, it was them.
The past few months I have noticed an increasing tendancy for my daughter to say that she is stupid or ugly. Words like that bother me and confuse me. I tell her she's beautiful all the time. I make sure to emphasize that beauty doesn't come in a size, it's in the heart. I can't count how many times I've told her that her attitude is the most important thing in beauty. The prettiest face can be ruined by an ugly demeanor. The perfect body can be stained by a disrespectful and hateful heart. People may love to look at you all day long, but if when you open your mouth no one can stand you, there's a serious problem.
It breaks my heart to hear her say she is an idiot. She's the most brilliant child I know. How is it possible for her to feel stupid? I am constantly reminding her that we are all humans. We won't get it right the first time, and if we do it was sheer luck. Life will be full of mistakes. You just brush the dirt off when you fall down and keep moving.
I am convinced that the style of parenting happening on the other end of the spectrum is what's fueling these insecurities. Children should be taught to be comfortable in their own skin. Stop pointing out what they're doing wrong and let them have fun. They're going to strike out a few times. My choice of words fall along the lines of "that's ok, we'll get another chance in a few." The words coming from behind home plate are more like "you're still dropping that shoulder. You just need to watch the ball a little harder." It's nothing short of infureating. I just want to scream sometimes. While you're over here trying to create the perfect ball player, you're missing the fact that IT'S JUST A GAME!! It's supposed to be fun, and if they can't even enjoy it for fear of making a mistake, then I don't want them to play. The point of sports at this age is to teach the kids to work together. It's about team building skills and social interaction. We're not training an Olympian.
I don't want my children to feel the pressure that they've got to be a certain way. I felt it my entire life, and years of therapy and self discovery only showed me that dropping the dead weight of expectations was the BEST thing I could've done. Not everyone is going to make all A's in school. Not everyone is musically inclined. Brace yourselves for what I'm about to say. Not every child is athletic. (Something tells me my ex and his family read this blog, and I am imagining the look of OMG who farted?! because I just wrote that. But it is true.) I emphasize every single day to my tiny humans to enbrace who they are. There will inevitably be someone who criticizes their choices. Why worry about it? If you're thin, they'll say you've got an eating disorder. If you're overweight, you must be depressed. If you're hair isn't perfect one day, you're letting yourself go. Jesus, just do what you want and be comfortable in your skin. You're going to be in it for a while.
As for the parents, if you see yourself as this type of parent, know the rest of us cringe when we see you coming. I'm not saying lower your standards. Raise the bar, by all means, but find a new way to go about it. If you can hit the ball out of the park, don't sit behind the plate shouting strategies as to how they can. Sit down, shut up, cheer the team on, and let them be kids.
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