For someone who's seen their fair share of heartache, it's instinctual to find something to hope for. It's like the brightest star in the sky that we wish on as kids. It becomes the focal point that's unwaivering. We all need this, and it can be anything. I have found solace in the simplest of things- a smile from a stranger when all I wanted to do was break down, a quote on pinterest that just seemed to speak right to my soul, or a gentle reminder from a friend that no matter what life throws at me, it'll be ok.
What I didn't realize was that during my struggles, I was somehow the focal point for someone else not to give up. Seeing me pick myself up day after day and deal with each obstacle, sometimes 10 at a time, was their reason to be strong and perservere. With each post to my blog that somehow emptied my heart and made room for the next battle, she was watching. She was waiting and reading for the next set of words that could give her courage to continue silently.
I have never aspired to be a hero. Up until last week, I couldn't imagine that anyone would look to me for words of wisdom. What did I know? So many days I see myself as more of a screw up than an example. But, here I was, in the spotlight. I struggle to understand how I could help anyone. I don't have money to give, but I do have an experience, a testimony. It tugs at my heartstrings to think someone else in this world is going through similar situations. I know there are those who have much worse situations than mine, but I wouldn't wish the pain I've experienced on my worst enemy, certainly not on anyone I care about.
I attended a church service recently with a friend, and the pastor spoke about being an advocate. I have always wanted to join some sort of group and help give back to the community, to teach my tiny humans to help others, and bring hope and beauty to the world around me. I didn't see until now that sharing my story was in a small way, just that. I have known for so long that my children are watching me. As they grow, I want them to remember the mother that would never succumb to the struggles. I will never quit. I am determined to show them that no matter what this life throws at me, I can overcome.
About 5 years ago, a very dear friend's husband took his own life. I remember hearing the news, the look on her face, the heartbreak in her voice. I can recall wondering how it got so bad that he would do such a thing. How could he leave his family? How could he be so careless? I hear people say suicide is the coward's way out. Ah, maybe so, but to me, it takes one hell of a nerve to pull that trigger. How far backed into a corner do you have to be to feel there's no way out other than death? I'm so thankful I have never been that low. I have been extremely down, seen some very dark days, but I am no quitter. Taking your own life doesn't take away the pain. It hands it to someone else. Someone else gets to pick up the pieces you leave behind. Your loved ones get to try to make sense of your chaos. I will never leave that burden for another. I want to be the reason someone looks in the mirror and decides to try one more day.
Life is beautiful. You just have to know where to look. It's in the stars that no one ever stops to look up at, the rustle of the leaves on a crisp fall morning, the clouds rolling overhead. There is peace if you can quiet the noise. Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel really is the train, but not always. If it is, duck. Dodge it or roll with it to the next station. You never know...struggles are the good Lord's way of leading you to something better. Don't ever give up. Don't ever let this life make you feel worthless. We are all perfect in our imperfections, and whether you see it or not, someone is watching you. Someone loves you. There is at least one person that wants to see you succeed when it seems everyone is determined to watch your failure. When you trip and fall, take a moment to look at the sky. It's magnificent. Smile with your shortcomings. Laugh at your blunders. Find joy in your habits. Most of all find peace in your heart.
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