There will be those days...when nothing seems to go right, nothing pleases anyone, and ultimately you feel like a failure. We've all had them, and there will be many more to come. On these days every single choice you make will inevitably lead to tears, from the underwear you choose for him to wear when he gets out of the shower to the 14 shirts he refuses to put on. Someone will lose their only pair of shoes 5 minutes after you were supposed to walk out the door. Your hair won't look good, because you chose to curl it on the most humid day of the year. Your white pants will get stained by the hands that found the chocolate cookie they lost in the back seat last week. They will leave their lunch money on the table or in the car seat on the day when you have a million errands to run, and there is no cash left on the account. And the plans you all decided on and were so excited about last night, will become the worst idea on earth in at least one of their minds. There will be plenty of tears shed. Explicatives will be said. Frustration will explode into yelling, and you will question why you even try. This will result in an immense amount of guilt, but remember, you're not a failure.
There's a choice to be made in this situation. Do you find the shoes and show up to church 10 minutes late? Do you go forward with the plans to go to the zoo and pray you don't lose custody by the end of the day? Or do you change your plans altogether? You could just stay home, go to the park, hang out and watch a movie. Lots of choices.
Today, I had this day. The moment my daughter stepped in the car, there was nothing but tension, and I saw it coming as soon as I pulled in her sight of the car ride line. "Ugh.....hi mom" she began. "Hey sweetie! How was your day?" "Whatever, I hate that song, and you sound like crap. Change it." All I could think was Damn, what did Ido this time? Truth is, I existed. I had no idea, but I knew there was no fixing it. I've come to the realization that there is no solution for this attitude. I've also stopped negotiating with terrorism. When you want to join the rest of the collective world and be nice, come on. Until then, you can sulk, complain, be a recluse, nap, whatever. I'll love you from a distance, fix you a nice tasty dinner, and wait for you to come around. She emerged with a better attitude after dinner with a hug to say thank you for your patience.
Patience is all I have to offer these days, and in so many ways, I've mastered the art. The kids don't want to go do what we had planned? Fine and good. We shuffle, rearrange, postpone, cancel, whatever it takes. I've learned to pick my battles. Pick out your own clothes, and I will pray you don't look homeless. Fix your own hair, and I will pray we don't look like a Hot Topic ad. I buy the candy on the way in the store so there's no meltdown at the counter. Sometimes we eat dessert before dinner, and some nights I prepare 4 different meals. If they're pitching a fit in the back seat, I just tune it out. Y'all want to fight? Duke it out. I'm not intervening until there's blood.
I've come to several conclusions....
Your kids are going to hate you at some point. They will. They'll probably even tell you about it in great detail, but they'll definately show you. You know what this means? You're doing your job! You're not allowing them to just do whatever they want. You're demanding respect. You're teaching them integrity. Keep it up.
You will be stupid from the time the kids are about 10 years old until they're 19. Just brace yourself. You're shaping up to be the biggest idiot on this planet. Want to know why? Because again you're not allowing them to just do whatever they want. People have to learn the hard way. She loves that guy, and he would never treat her badly. You saying so is only going to make you dumber, but when he hurts her, it's your job to pick her back up, dust her off and dry her tears. Just know that by the time they get about 21, you'll be back to a normal human, and they may even admit that you know what? They may even admit you were right a time or two.
There will be days when you feel completely defeated. It is what it is. Some days are not salvagable. It's on these days, you cry in the shower and pray for better days ahead. Stop feeling guilty! An amazing friend managed to call right in the middle of my pity party yesterday. He said "Liz, you know what you need to do? Shut the f#ck up. Get over it b#tch! You're a mom. You do the best you can, and they know it. They know you love them. Stop stressing over it." Holy crap! Did that ever put me in my place?! He was right. Since when did parenting come with a manual? Never. There's no right or wrong answers sometimes. Sure, it's wrong to beat your kids. Yes, it's right to love them. But there are seriously some gray areas. The uncharted territories of parenting have left me baffled so many tiems, I've lost count. Just do the best you can. You win some battles. You lose others. The good Lord knows you're trying, and as long as they know you love them, you're good.
They always come home. No matter where those tiny humans go in life, no matter what they grow to be, they'll always come home. When they're hungry, when they have no money, a place to stay, failed marriages, dropped out of college, whatever, they know you love them. It may take them a few years to see where they've gone wrong, but when they do, they'll knock on your door. We all did it. Hated to admit I was wrong, but I sure asked if I could come home....more than once. Just wait for it.
Do me a favor. Do what my friend told me to do. Go look in the mirror. Ask yourself "what do I see?" What do you see? When I looked in that mirror, I had tear stains on my cheeks. My nose was red from crying, and my eyes were puffy. But, I saw a fighter. I saw a woman with so many scars, but those scars are the road map of the journey I've been on. The best part of that journey? I've never quit. I may change directions a million times. I may go in circles now and then, but I get up every single day and fight. Hell, I may fight the same demons from yesterday, last week, last month or last year, but I continue to fight them none the less. We don't quit. We don't give up. We are parents. This is war, and we are in it to win it. Many nights we come home and lay our armor down and crumble to the floor. It takes courage to get back up, but we get back up. Like I said, there will be tears. There will be swearing. Sometimes your kid's being an asshole. Sometimes, they need to hear that they're being an inconsiderate asshole. You don't give up on that kid though. You teach them to be a decent human, and you love them no matter what.
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