Do you ever wonder what you will leave behind in this world? What will your spouse remember most about you? What stories will the tiny humans share with their friends and loved ones long after you've gone? Maybe it's morbid, but I wonder sometimes. I don't have to question what my ex would say. That will be nothing short of "She was a piece of sh#t, who hated her kids, horrible wife...." blah blah blah. I'd like to believe we'd be mature enough at that point to tell the stories of the good times we shared as a family, but I won't hold my breath.
I don't care to have fame and fortune. Honestly, money does not hold much weight with me. It's great to have don't get me wrong, but if that's all you have, you're seriously lacking. Material possessions are just that, possessions. In the blink of an eye they can be gone, so they're just not that valuable. I want to leave amazing memories.
I want my children to look at photos of me and think Mom really knew how to have fun. She was awesome. She could always make us laugh, and no matter how bad things got, she still smiled. My children have seen me cry too many tears, but in my darkest hour, I give my all to make them laugh. I hope they remember all the craft projects we worked on. Memories of going puddle jumping should race through their minds when it rains. When they see a pair of converse, I want them to remember those as my favorite pair of shoes. A million images flash through my head when I think of them, and I pray that's the same for them. Yes, they will recall the times that were not so pleasant. They will inevitably remember the time I called them an asshole, because quite frankly, they needed to know they were being one. But, what else will come to mind?
As I sit here sifting through the past in my mind, I know there are so many hilarious stories they will tell about me. I know this, because it's left an impression now. Several years ago, my oldest son kept asking why I always made him take his teacher flowers. "Why do we always have to do this?!" I explained to him in depth how when you go to meet a girl, you never show up empty handed...ever. I don't care what you take her- flowers, chocolate, wine, beer, gum, a pogo stick, just take something that says hey I thought enough about our meeting to bring you a gift. That doesn't just hold for girls. Dinner invitations, grandparents, whatever, if you're going to meet someone, take them something. Back on track, he still to this day remembers that lesson. I hear him telling the Angry German sometimes "You gotta take that girl something and tell her she's beautiful." It makes me smile.
The Angry German also has stories to tell, even now at 3 years old. I gave him a kiss one day, and he got WAY too into it. I expected a peck from a 2 year old! I pulled back and said "Geez! Don't get wierd on me!" To this day, he thinks it's hilarious to ask me for a kiss and tell me not to get wierd.
On our way to school, I always try to play fun music to brighten the kids day, and lately it's been a challenge to get any form of emotion from my daughter in the mornings. This morning showed me she's been paying attention to my techniques. I was cruising along, almost as if I'd given up on the quest of making them laugh, and she started dancing funny, poking me, and making crazy faces. I couldn't help but laugh. She was doing exactly what I do for her.
I hope someday to meet someone that I will share my life with, and I often ponder what he will think. I heard once that the greatest pain you'll ever feel is in the moment just between sleep and awake when you reach over and touch the empty pillow where the love of your life used to rest. Altho I remember being lonely so many nights, I don't have this recollection, because once the ex and I separated, I never slept in that bed again. Never slept in that house again. So, that memory isn't there. Will the man I marry feel this pain? Will he refuse to wash my pillow, so my scent stays forever? Will he redecorate the house? Sell all my crap and move on with his life? I wonder sometimes.
I can only hope that whomever I settle with...if I ever settle again, will have thousands of pictures of us together, adventures, travel, special moments, quirky days with nothing to do. I would like to be remembered fondly.
The few things I do know that will be recalled about me. No one will ever be able to say I turned my back on them. I don't care how much resentment and bitterness our relationship turned into, there's not a soul on this planet that can say I refused to pick up the phone. I have extended an ear to people I've dated because they had no one else. I've hugged past friends that had done me wrong. I have toasted the good times, that I don't remember fondly. I have sat in hospital rooms with people I knew despised me, cooked their meals and read stories them, because I knew no one else had the time. I never asked for anything in return. Hell, I'd go bail my ex out of jail if he needed me. He'd hear about it, and I'd probably take a selfie with him for later laughs, but I'd go. It's who I am.
Those around me know that I love my children beyond measure. I would do anything for them, and I do not consider money in this equation. Affection cannot and should not be purchased. But, everyone close to me knows, they come first. I'm not the type to hire sitters constantly. I'm not afraid to haul all 4 together out in public to run around. They are what keeps me from coming unglued.
I've tried to make a point of letting those around me know that I care. If tomorrow never comes, I hope that each will know how I felt, the fun times we shared, and how precious you are. There are those in my life that I no longer have contact with for various reasons, but in the times we did share, I still remember the joy. I don't like holding onto bitterness. Live and let die, but leave a legacy when you go.
I plan to leave that legacy. I have thousands of pictures, good, bad, ugly, fat, thin, etc, and all for my children to cherish. I did not destroy the pictures from my past. They have a box of photographs from when we were a family. I have no intentions of cutting holes in their memories. I want my children to know, mom loved us. We never had to question that. Mom did the best she could. She shielded us from a much pain as possible. She was honest, even when it hurt. She chose to steer us in the right direction, but it was up to us to take it. And, she supported our decisions even if she didn't agree. We could tell her anything, and there would be no judgments. If we were scared, she'd turn the light on. If we needed a hug, she knew before we asked, and she never turned her back on us, even after we hurt her. No matter how hot or tired she was, we went to the park to run. It didn't matter if she was thin or fat, she came swimming. She stood for what she believed in and encouraged us to do the same. Mom was crazy and wild, but she was loving and kind. Mom was there even if we couldn't see her. She was only a phone call away. Mom really did love us, with everything she had. She wasn't perfect, she was perfect imperfection, and she was perfect for us.
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