Crazy things start to happen when you become a parent. You lose your sanity one day at a time. It begins with the lack of sleep over the first few months, and continues into the lack of memory that goes on for years. Privacy becomes a thing of the past. You'll shower, poop, dress, cook, clean, and everything in between with an audience. Your perfectly clean and organized home suddenly has tiny handprints on the doors and windows. You will inevitably find a petrified chicken nugget at least once at the bottom of the toybox, which will inspire you to purchase the small bins and ditch the giant box that leads to the abyss. Sippy cups seemingly disappear without a trace, only to be found a week or so later with a mystery substance chunked up to the side. You won't wash these, because the only safe place for this toxic sludge is the trash.
You will be peed on, pooped on and puked on so many times you'll lose count. You'll find yourself sniffing butts without shame and at least once, you'll pull the back of a diaper out, and your finger will immerge with crap on it. If you're one of the lucky ones, your kid will poop in your hand as you're wiping his rear end. The words I'm done!! will become your pager with the interpretation every parent knows means come wipe my butt!!. Isn't parenting fun?
I'm not stranger to any of these scenarios. With 4 kids, I've experienced it all, from the neighbors being greeted by your 3 year old with "Look, I peeing on the tree!" to carrying naked Barbies through Target every day of my life.10 years ago if you told me I'd use the phrase "don't lick that" and "where are your pants" in the same conversation, I'd for certain wonder if you had gone mad. Now, that's an every day kind of conversation.
"Don't eat the dogs food!"
"Oh for the love of sweet tea, did you just sniff your finger after you scratched your crack?"
"There's not farting in the kitchen!"
"We don't touch another human!"
"Don't step on your brother's head!"
"Why is there peanut butter on the tv?"
These are just a few of the random things you'll hear on a weekly basis. One of our neighbors once told me, every day they would make up a new rule in their house. It would be off the wall crazy too, like "today kids, there will be no streaking through the backyard under any circumstances." When asked why this became a tradition, he was honest. At some point you're going to have to address that situation, and you at least need them to know it's not ok. It was a couple years before I had to have this conversation, and all I could think was dear God, he was right!
I'm good with it though. I've had to explain some of the most bizarre situations. I've been asked some of the worst questions. I could do like some parents and sugar coat the hell out of it or avoid the answer all together, but I choose not to. They'll have enough to figure out on their own. I will give them the scoop on whatever I can to pave that road a little smoother. So when someone gets into my car and makes a comment about the "stuff" that's in it, just know, if we are ever stranded in my vehicle, we will never starve, freeze, or be bored. There will be a half empty juice pouch somewhere under a seat, at least 6 weird toys to play with, and several articles of clothing, maybe even a few shoes. You will find fries somewhere and at least 86 cents in change. If you're lucky, a lighter, a random phone charger and all the mail you can imagine.
Being a parent requires a sense of humor. If you don't have one, I can assure you, it will be the longest few decades of your life. You'll need to cope with the fact that getting the kids in the car sometimes takes longer than the errand itself. The entire store will turn to stare and probably not ask if you or the kids are ok when one dumps your shopping cart over, and the woman your child asks why she's so fat will be offended, and there's no explanation you can give. When you slip and say "Holy shit, I'm so fucking sorry" in front of a kid, they will repeat it...in context...in a room full of people. Someone will get the raging poopins in public at least once. It might even be you. The kids will discover mom's box of tampons, and trust me all you can do is laugh when they play rockets in the back yard with them. Maxi pads look just like diapers, and it doubles as a sticker. Bless your heart the first time you get walked in on while putting one of these products to use. That'll be a fun conversation, but you'll laugh about it later on.
I've learned to roll with the punches and smile and the bizarre looks we get. I think more parents should give a high fives and fist bumps to their fellow comerades on a job well done when we diffuse a tantrum in the store and escape with our dignity. I do not criticize other moms and dads on their parenting skills and methods any more. I've reached the point in my life that if the bubble gum shuts them up, we buy it!
So cheers to the next sports season, where we will all put thousands of miles on our vehicles trekking between ball fields, rotating games to see all the kids in a weekend, the hundreds of dollars we will waste on junk they don't need but will keep them entertained, and random rule we will each have to create, just because it'll come into play someday. Let's all have fun, and someone please share your story with me so I know we're in this together.
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