When you were little you made this little noise. It began the day you came home from the hospital. We called it the "weed eater." It annoyed me to pieces, drove me absolutely insane. The day I realized you no longer made that noise, I had a physical reaction. I sat at the kitchen table and cried like a baby, because I knew I would never hear that sound again. I regret not recording it. I regret telling you to stop. Looking back, it was absolutely adorable. So many attributes about you are just that, adorable.
I wish you could understand the emotions I feel for you. I look at you in such amazement, and I wish I could share that with you. I am so proud of everything you have become. You are so beautiful. Your confidence amazes me, and to hear the things you say just leaves me breathless. You are by far the greatest thing I've ever done.
I've been promising for years that things will get better, and they just keep falling apart. I sat here tonight and again poured my heart out in the form of waterworks, because I worry you have given up on me. I fear you see yourself as a disappointment. Rest assure my sweet angel, you cannot and will not ever be that in my eyes. I will love you no matter your choices in this life, for we have all made our fair share of mistakes. I am no stranger to failure. I've built an empire many times and had to watch it crumble before my eyes. I pray you never have to experience the things I've suffered in my life, although I know you will carry your own burdens.
Please know that I will be here, everyday for the rest of your life, to help lighten that load. I will never lie to you. I will always be straight forward and honest with you. I have told you for years that this life is hard, but you will never have to face it alone. No matter where your heart and dreams may find you, I will forever be only a phone call away. I hope you know that I would move heaven and earth for you.
It is my job as your mother to love you, protect you, advise you, shield you from pain, pick you up when you fall, and dust you off to throw you back out there. I will always be an ear to hear and a hand to hold.
Though you may not notice, I still watch you sleep and kiss your cheeks in the night. I miss having story time with you where we read every book on the shelf and make the funny voices. If ever you need a good laugh, your mumum will always be here to make you chuckle. Singing in the car with you is one of my favorite hobbies, and listening to the ideas you have about life and where it will take you, always warms my heart. You are the beat of that heart. You have your moments when I am crushed by your words and actions, but I know there is love to be found within them. I never hold a grudge, and I have forgiven ever harsh utterance that has crossed your lips. I sit and stare at pictures of you when you aren't here. I scroll through my phone daily watching you grow up in a slide show.
I will continue to promise that things will get better. They will. It may not be today. It might now be tomorrow, but soon baby girl, very soon. In the mean time, I will give you every ounce of my being. You bring a smile to my heart, and I am in adoration at the woman you are becoming. Please don't ever lose your innocence. You will have to love some assholes in your life, but you will find the one eventually. I will be here through every heartbreak and every downturn. I will never interfere with your relationships, choices or decisions. Your life is just that, yours. I will support what ever you deem worthy, whether I agree or not, because it is your choice to make.
I pray you never feel unworthy of my love. Please don't think that I am unapproachable. My goal in life is to always be your friend. My job is to steer you in the right direction, and I pray thus far I have achieved this. Your job will be to take the path of your choosing. Whichever this may be, I will not be far behind. I can't protect you from every scar. I won't be able to catch you each time you fall, but I can promise you this. I will never abandon you. I will always dry your tears. I will give you any advise you seek to the best of my ability, and I will never judge you by your mistakes. I will stand by your side and help you learn from every situation.
My hope for you is that you learn forgiveness. Give love more attention than hate. Laugh every single day and give someone a compliment. No matter how uneasy you are to tell someone you love them, do it as soon as you feel it. We're not promised tomorrow, and there is no greater regret than unspoken affection. Don't ever be afraid to be yourself. We're all a little weird. Embrace it, and don't you ever apologize for who you are. Hold your head high, but don't be too proud. Know your worth. Most of all, know that I love you. Please always remember the good times that we have shared, and no matter what this life throws your way don't ever give up. Focus on today. I know that school will tell you not to ever do drugs, but the world will tempt you. Just promise me you'll never do meth or heroine. Keep a sense of humor, you're going to need it.
Lastly, just like the quote says Live everyday as if it's your last, but use condoms and pay your bills just in case it's not."
I love you sweet girl. Don't forget that.
With all my heart,
Mumum
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