I'm scared. No, I'm worse than scared. I am petrified. I'm frozen. I feel like Elsa in the movie Frozen! I feel like I'm coaching myself not to feel. Don't let them in, I keep telling myself. I spent most of my youth not feeling good enough, the better half of my young adult life feeling worthless and the next few years convincing myself I'm enough. That doesn't solve my problem. Yes I'm rambling. The words rattling around in my head won't make sense. I've been hit by cupid's arrow AGAIN, and I'm just a wreck. How does the same little cherub hit you twice? Like, seriously, go pick on someone else. I've tried that one, it hurt like hell! And then I'm reminded that though it hurt like hell, it felt so good and toasty on the way down to the flame.....
I didn't mean to fall the first time. I had my reservations, but that didn't stop me. My heart just melted and the rest was a beautiful nightmare. I woke up hurt, confused, sad, alone, and all I could mutter was "I'm fine." I wasn't fine. I was promised the world, and the delivery never came in. Which brings us to round 2.
My gut instinct was DO NOT RESPOND TO THAT TEXT! But, like any polite woman who sees a friend in need, I did. Every woman says she wants a man to fight for her, but what she doesn't realize is they have to test the grass on the other side of the fence to see if it's greener first. That fight usually comes with an immense loss of trust, too many sleepless nights and tears to count, and the feeling that you will die single and alone. One day you start to turn that bleeding heart into a stone statue, and when your masterpiece is almost complete, the call comes in. He swoops in and swears all will be different this time. He fights like hell. Question is, do you take part in the battle? Do you make him pay for his sins? Do you let him see the pain he caused? I think that's the only way to show him exactly how bad his detour was, but then again, it's also opening yourself back up to the destruction.
That precious little heart of stone starts melting the moment you share the experience.
If you're like me and most of the female population, you respond. You convince yourself you'll be strong. You won't let him back in all at once. You will keep your guard up. Rome wasn't built in a day, but what you failed to see was it sure came down in one! And just like that, he's back in. The pitter patter of butterflies in your gut begin again, and you're believing every word he says. I just want to slap myself right now and tell myself that's not love you fool!! That's common sense leaving your body! I can say it all day long, still not going to listen to the voice of reasoning inside my head.
Only fools rush in right? Hah! No, we don't rush in. We stampede in like the British cavalry in New England. Ready for war! Ready to ensure our fate doesnt end just like theirs- bullet to the heart and a slow humiliating march back to camp full of defeat. Sometimes you just have to play the fool, to see who's fooling who.
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