If the last 4 years have taught me anything, it's how to roll with the punches. No matter what life throws my direction, my motto has become very simple -Just make it through today. I know that sounds like an attempt to talk myself out of suicide, but really, it isn't. It's my way of coping with the day to day roller coaster. I can't focus on the future right now, because all I have room for is today. It's much like the saying "I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days pile up on me at once." I can't worry what tomorrow holds. Tomorrow will be here before I know it, and worry will only detract from today. I can't change the past and don't know the future.
Over the last month it seems things just constantly go from bad to worse. I learned a long time ago, you don't ask if things can get worse. The universe takes that as a challenge. Oh this bitch hasn't had enough? Let's hit her one more time. Nope! I've learned to just roll with it, learn from it, and try not to repeat it.
I want to skip to the part in life when it doesn't hurt anymore, but how do you get there? The road seems to be all uphill. Not just a slow grade climb either, but a straight up, sometimes upside down ascent into the foggy sky that I can't see. I don't want to be heartless, yet it seems so much easier than bearing this tremendous burden. When does the pain end? When do I stop feeling like a failure? When do I hit the plateau? I just need a quick breather.
Yesterday was the day I have talked about for months-when rather than going to bed ready to fight another day, I crumbled to the floor and fall to pieces. My strength was gone. My courage had been defeated.
From the time I could notice what money was, my family was well off. We never hurt for much of anything. I married a man who's family had money, and thus we never suffered either. After my divorce I came to know the very definition of the word struggle. Just when I got to the point when I could pay all the bills on time, something would come up where I'd be juggling them again. I've built an empire just to watch it burn, and sadly, I was holding the match. I've burned bridges, made stupid mistakes, and had too much pride to apologize at times. I often wish I could just be smarter. Why can't I just skip to the part where I'm financially stable? That's when the answer hits me. That's not possible. If I sore over the hard parts, I will never appreciate the easy days.
I stand here on the bottom again, with no where to go but up, and I am so scared. I'm petrified of the future. So many questions burn in the back of my mind. Questions I don't want to ask, some I don't want to have.
For so long, I've lived by the concept that everybody leaves. And then it sinks in. Maybe it isn't everyone leaving, but rather me running. Could it be that I am so terrified of love that I can't accept it when it's right in front of me? Is it possible that I self destruct in my existence to push people away? Maybe my fear of being alone is what creates the loneliness. All these questions filter over into my parenting. I am so desperate to succeed, and yet I just keep failing.
I see the small victories. Like when my daughter tells me I'm an OK mom. I didn't get mom of the year, but I'll settle for OK. OK isn't worst. The angry German still says he needs me, and my oldest boy still likes to wrestle with his momma. Those are victories. It's the failures I need to overcome. I spent an hour last week having a full out melt down in Kroger parking lot, because I missed those tiny humans so much. When do we begin to live in harmony and share our children without making them feel they have to choose? When does the struggle end and the raising decent humans begin? Or is this life destined to be both combined?
I worry what my children will remember of their childhood. What will they look back and see? Is it going to be mom and dad constantly fighting? Will the remember the tension? I pray instead they remember the nights we built a fire to today marshmallows, puddle jumping after the rain, piggy back rides in the park, and staring at the Christmas lights from under the tree. I want to finally be at the point where I see a smooth future. Until then, I will continue to pray. I will pray for strength on the difficult days, courage when I am fearful, wisdom when I don't have the answers, maturity when I want to lash out, and understanding when patience is all they need. I will pray for the ability to see the love given to me, and not turn it away, the patience to endure the moments if rather run but stand and wait instead. Until then, I'll just roll with the punches.
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