Disfunctionality at it's finest

Things don't always pan out the way we plan.  Looking back, I never expected to be where I am now, but I am thankful for the journey.  When my ex walked into the room a few years ago and said he wasn't happy, I was devastated. In my mind, I worried I'd be alone forever. I had so many fears,  but the one that screams the loudest of them all was that my children would not have a normal family. It took a bit for me to grasp what normal was. Normal isn't mom and dad. Normal isn't the same people married forever. Today,  normal is where our children understand that family is family regardless of DNA.

My tiny humans and I have different types of fun days. Where your typical crowd goes to the mall or plays board games,  my kids like to go goodwill shopping or people watching. We were parking at the local goodwill when the conversation sparked about family, as it comes up several times a month. Each conversation I try to assure my children that they have a wonderful family. They don't have 2 either. It's one big blended family. My daughter is so much her mother's child, and it pains me to know how difficult it is for her to share emotions that when she opens up, we stop everything. I give my undivided attention, because I know if the layers of the onion begin to peel for myself and are not received,  it'll rot on the vine next go round.

I don't remember every detail we spoke about, but I will never forget the moment she burst into tears and asked why we couldn't just say we were sorry. I've heard my son say this when he was younger,  but she was old enough to understand, or so I thought. I took extreme caution with my words,  but I wanted her to hear me clearly. I don't hate dad. I don't hate his wife,  his mom,  his dad,  none of them. I was disappointed in the way our split came about,  but I would never begrudge a man for staying where he was unhappy. He appears happy now,  and that is OK. The only thing I ever ask is that your step mom be good to you. If she is good to you,  then she has my blessing. But being good to you also means being passive when it comes to me. If anyone,  and I mean anyone,  talks bad about your mother,  that's not being good to you. That's no different when it comes to your dad, grandparents etc. It's called respect,  and the main reason no one in my household is allowed to discuss negative topics when you're around.

See, I specifically used the word passive where I was concerned. They don't have to like me. I could not care less,  but they should be respectful enough to my children to shut up. I have explained this concept over and over again to my children.  No one should ever be allowed to disrespect their parents- even their other parent. 

Having to explain to my children that they should never feel they have to choose between which parent to love breaks my heart. I pray I have never presented that choice. They should never have to choose. We are not in competition. We are more family to love them. My parents aren't better grandparents than his, and vice versa. It doesn't matter who has more money. We all should love them unconditionally,  and sadly I am coming to grips with the fact that this isn't happening. The tears streaming down that precious girls face was proof enough.

We can't function as a family.  We can't function as parents.  It's a bitter truth that we spent 10 years together and can't even put our children's best interest first.  Why? Well it seems the ulterior motive where some are concerned is to have them hate one parent.  I will never accept this as right. I will never condone it, and I will work every single day to change it.  My children should never fear telling their mother they love her.  We have got to change it, and I will not stop until we do.

I think it is assumed that my goal is to win sole custody of my children.  This isn't the case.  If I truly wanted that, I could've stayed in Texas 4 years ago and waited on my ex to give up, the way he did on his other 2 children.  He simply faded out of the picture.  I didn't have to move 3 states away from my family for it.  I want my children to have both parents, equally.  We've both moved on with our lives, and there's nothing wrong with that.  I want my children to feel loved and comfortable in both homes. I want them to understand we are a team. I want us to actually be a team. Protection orders, accusations, DHS claims and rumors should cease. Those tiny humans see the struggle and feel the stress even when it's not right in front of them. 

God forgive us for the pain we've put these kids through. Lord help us to chart a course that is healthy and happy for them. Guide our steps and help us find forgiveness and tolerance.