Competing for the Crown

Have you ever seen those parents that seem to force their children to be better than everyone else's? They cheer the loudest at every game.  They stand right behind home plate coaching every move.  Don't get me wrong,  I love my kids, and I will cheer so loudly when they do something great.  But really, what are you proving when you are constantly in their ear? It's the same as micromanaging.  You're making them feel inferior, as if they can't quite get it right.  Why not just let them do it?

Over the years I've noticed my ex's family do these things, and recently I read an article about the narcisstic parent.  It was as if every word was describing them.  From the way they coach at a ball game, to the way they convince my children the worst hair cut possible is great, it was them.

The past few months I have noticed an increasing tendancy for my daughter to say that she is stupid or ugly.  Words like that bother me and confuse me.  I tell her she's beautiful all the time.  I make sure to emphasize that beauty doesn't come in a size, it's in the heart.  I can't count how many times I've told her that her attitude is the most important thing in beauty.  The prettiest face can be ruined by an ugly demeanor.  The perfect body can be stained by a disrespectful and hateful heart.  People may love to look at you all day long, but if when you open your mouth no one can stand you, there's  a serious problem. 

It breaks my heart to hear her say she is an idiot.  She's the most brilliant child I know. How is it possible for her to feel stupid?  I am constantly reminding her that we are all humans. We won't get it right the first time, and if we do it was sheer luck.  Life will be full of mistakes.  You just brush the dirt off when you fall down and keep moving. 

I am convinced that the style of parenting happening on the other end of the spectrum is what's fueling these insecurities.  Children should be taught to be comfortable in their own skin.  Stop pointing out what they're doing wrong and let them have fun.  They're going to strike out a few times.  My choice of words fall along the lines of "that's ok, we'll get another chance in a few."  The words coming from behind home plate are more like "you're still dropping that shoulder. You just need to watch the ball a little harder."  It's nothing short of infureating.  I just want to scream sometimes.  While you're over here trying to create the perfect ball player, you're missing the fact that IT'S JUST A GAME!! It's supposed to be fun, and if they can't even enjoy it for fear of making a mistake, then I don't want them to play.  The point of sports at this age is to teach the kids to work together.  It's about team building skills and social interaction. We're not training an Olympian.

I don't want my children to feel the pressure that they've got to be a certain way.  I felt it my entire life, and years of therapy and self discovery only showed me that dropping the dead weight of expectations was the BEST thing I could've done.  Not everyone is going to make all A's in school.  Not everyone is musically inclined. Brace yourselves for what I'm about to say. Not every child is athletic. (Something tells me my ex and his family read this blog, and I am imagining the look of OMG who farted?! because I just wrote that. But it is true.) I emphasize every single day to my tiny humans to enbrace who they are.  There will inevitably be someone who criticizes their choices. Why worry about it?  If you're thin, they'll say you've got an eating disorder. If you're overweight, you must be depressed.  If you're hair isn't perfect one day, you're letting yourself go. Jesus, just do what you want and be comfortable in your skin. You're going to be in it for a while. 

As for the parents, if you see yourself as this type of parent, know the rest of us cringe when we see you coming.  I'm not saying lower your standards.  Raise the bar, by all means, but find a new way to go about it.  If you can hit the ball out of the park, don't sit behind the plate shouting strategies as to how they can.  Sit down, shut up, cheer the team on, and let them be kids.

Enough

Enough. I am enough. I am good enough. I've seen enough. I've heard enough.  I've had enough. It's enough.

I preach daily about the life lessons that have been so cruel and yet taught me so much.  Looking back they are each a blessing in disguise.  They say when one door closes, a window opens. This is true....although in my case that window may be on the third floor somewhere.

It's nearly comical to me how people will sit back and judge your life on what they think it should be.  I may judge you for the choice in pants you put on in the morning to go to Wal-Mart, but I will never criticize where you are in life.  We all have our battles.  They each lead us down our own path, so unless you're on the exact same path as me, because you've made all the same choices, how is it your place to say where I should be? And if you are, then you wouldn't be looking at me funny, because you've failed just as much!  

I have started over several times in my adult life. I have failed miserable, picked myself up out of the ashes, built a whole new life and burned it down again.  Sometimes you have to strike that match.  Burning that bridge isn't always a bad thing. It's all a part of finding yourself, your happiness.  This life is far too short to be anything but happy.  I have an obsession for pinterest, and I have read so many inspirational quotes that talk about being happy, leaving that miserable job, selling everything you own and roaming free around the world.  Well, I'm not about to sell off everything I own to roam the countryside, because after all, I like to eat, and my cave man skills are less than sub par. But, recently I have come to understand first hand that if you have to dread 9 hours out of your day, you are not where you need to be.  For me, it took too long to see this. A mistake, I never intend to make again. If it's not adding to my joy, then it's taking away from it, and you'll see me walking away. 

I have been given the opportunity to follow my dreams, and I will do nothing less than just that. It took several days of soul searching.  A few tears were shed, not many but a few.  A celebration took place.  So much stress was born. And then suddenly the light bulb came on.  This is what I've wanted! This is the answer I've been looking for.  Of course I chuckled and thought haha, found the ladder to the third floor. But truth,  sometimes you have to take that leap, in my case a violent shove off the roof, and build your wings on the way down.  (yes, I read that somewhere on pinterest)

Thus why I am enough.  I believe in myself.  I may be crazy, but I am crazy enough to believe that I will make it.  I'm not sure where "it" is, but I'm on my way.  I am strong enough to succeed.  I am smart enough to walk away from the things that no longer serve me.  I am wise enough to see through the people that smile to my face, but wouldn't even whistle if I were about to be hit by a car.  I am polite enough not to call them out on this bullshit.  I am beautiful enough to bring light to this dark world, even if it's just a smile to a stranger.  I am young enough to start over every time I see the need.  I am old enough to know the difference between starting over and failing. I'm brave enough to know where I want to be, and will to do whatever it takes to get there. I am strong enough to carry myself.  But most of all, I am crazy enough to believe that dreams come true. 

We get the answers to our prayers in some of the most unimaginable ways at times, but they're answers none the less. The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train sometimes, but if you truly listen to your heart, follow you passion, and never give up, someday, it could lead you to Narnia. You've got to hit a few bumps in the road.  You have to lose it all to value what you've got, but oh the sweet reward.

Hateful Love

Have you ever had those moments when you just want to strangle your kids? Or maybe just stop in the middle of heavy traffic and kick them to the curb? Life is hard. The world is cruel. Good Luck!!  You'd be lying, and we all know it if you said no.  At least once in every parent's life, their child's actions has driven them to a thought they're ashamed to admit aloud.  Most of us would never carry out these actions.  I would NEVER in a million years drop my child off at a busy intersection, barefoot with no sense of direction, 10 miles  from home....but that doesn't mean it didn't cross my mind as she screamed the words I hate you!!!!  I was frozen.  The only thing I could say to her was how much I loved her, and how I would always love her no matter what.  When later that evening she described in vivid detail how if I died in a car crash she wouldn't care, I kept telling her I loved her.  Through tears, extreme nausea and immense emotional pain, I still loved that kid.  Even when she raised her fist at me....that was the worst thought I'd had yet, but I still loved her.  I wasn't afraid of her hitting me.  I feared my reaction.  I had never been in that position, and I certainly didn't want to experience it that night.  Tensions were all together too high, and there was no telling what would happen. 

Thankfully, I managed to deescalate the situation peacefully and with no violence.  I was able to show her through a few simple actions that I loved her no matter what was going through her mind.  It was in these moments I realized more than ever, she was her mother's daughter.  That was the scariest of all things, but it helped me to understand how to get through to her.  You can take every material possesion in this world away, but that won't change her.  You can beat her.  You can yell at her.  You could do every negative form of discipline there is, and it would only fuel her fire.  I know this first hand.  I don't respond to negativity.  I'm like George Bush.  I don't negotiate with terrorists. But, if you come at me with love, patience, understanding, and an explanation,  there's a strong possibility that I will turn it around.  That's exactly what I gave her that night, and each day I've seen her since.  I held that girl so tight, and I told her how much it hurt my heart to hear those words, but I'd always love her.  I did this as she screamed at me.  I'm certain the neighbors heard the whole shebang, and I didn't care.  I was determined to break through. 

A breakthrough was exactly what happened, but I didn't realize it until 3 days later.  As I swung by the house for a second, I was greeted at the door with the sweetest, most precious little girl.  She was beaming with excitment to see me, and it was then I realized how much I had missed that kid.  My heart was so overwhelmed with emotions, I burst into tears.  I held that girl so tight! I didn't want to let go.  She had been so angry over the past few years., especially the past few months.  Children will ask for love in the most hateful ways, and that had become evident.  She was simply demanding my attention.  It was crystal clear she just needed to know that I was there- that I loved her no matter what.  I was bursting at the seams all afternoon, dying to get home to hang out with those tiny humans. 

It's been 3 weeks now, and it seems the new direction I am taking is effective.  I have no disillusions here.  I know there will be more times ahead of hatred and unrest, but for the moment, I have that adorable little girl back that I have missed so much.  I have seen her face week after week for 3 years, and yet on that Wednesday afternoon, I saw the real her again.  I will cherish every moment I get with her.  And in the times when I become stupid to her, and she decides to hate me again, I will love her.  I will show her how much I love her.  I may consider spraying her down with a cold water hose, but I will love her still. 

The not so single, single parent

The thought occurred to me yesterday that I am not a single parent.  I'm a parent.  I am a single woman, but that doesn't make me a single parent. In fact, there hasn't been a moment in the last 10 years that I've parented alone.  My children have a support system made up of some amazing people, a few assholes, and a network of family.  Their family doesn't have to be DNA related, in my book.  Family is made of the people who've got your back. They're your ride or die, your best friends, and the folks who will be there for you, no questions asked....sometimes with a 6 pack and bail money.

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard someone ask how I do it there would be a lot less worry about the upcoming bills. I'd probably be set for life.  I admit it, having 4 kids isn't easy.  But, I also didn't acquire them over night.  I know people who've adopted multiple children, and God bless them. It isn't easy.  Some days it's down right exhausting. No matter how many children you have, they're still not the most manageable humans.  Sometimes just getting to the car takes longer than the errand itself. Cringe worthy moments happen every single day. The last cookie is usually eaten by mom in the closet in one bite with no crumbs to spare.  Other times,  your best friend eats it right in front of them leaving you to explain why they can't have one.  Only someone with really thick friend genes would survive this of course.

Over the last decade, I have done much of the parenting on my own.  That is not to discredit anyone that has lent a hand through the years, but I can't remember the last time I was able to go grocery shopping alone.  That just doesn't happen.  We load up and terrorize the store- all 5 of us. There aren't an over abundance of options for last minute child care when your family lives hundreds of miles away.  You just tend to figure it out.  That said, I'm still not alone.  I have a running list of people on speed dial for little emergencies.  

Just last week I arrived at our custody exchange only to notice I had 2% battery life, no phone charger and no car seat.  Awesome! And that came with an eye roll and a loud "ugh." I sent 3 text messages before my phone died and then just sat and waited on one of them to appear.  Amazingly enough, I wasn't worried.  I know my support system, and you can believe that before I used the last ounce of battery life, I chose the top 3 most dependable peeps.  The angel that appeared drove 45 minutes from where she was to my house, got the seat and drove another 45 minutes to me.  No questions asked.  If that isn't a support system, I don't know what is.  I think the saddest part of this encounter was that my ex was sitting there watching the entire time...with a carseat in the back of his vehicle.  And yes, the eye roll was right behind that sentence as well.  

My ex had the audacity to criticize my "single parenting" a day or so after this.  All I could think was wow! Had you attempted to coparent the way you're always preaching about, that would've been a simple exchange. Here's the baby, and here's his seat. What was a going to do? Steal the seat?  I have 2 extras, thanks.  Instead, he parked directly behind me and videoed me while waiting.  Why? Your guess is as good as mine.  To make me uncomfortable perhaps? Maybe, I don't know.  

The moral of the story here, is I don't parent alone.  He's a parent.  His parents are involved.  I'm certain they spend more time with our kids than he does.  My friends, my family, if he had any friends, his family...we're all a part of these kids lives.  How is that parenting alone?  They say it takes a village to raise a child.  That's absolutely correct.  My youngest son doesn't have his dad in his life, but that won't stop him from having strong male figures involved.  I can't take the place of his father.  I don't have the mentality nor the equipment, but he won't suffer. We as parents are never alone. We may not have the largest network, and last minute drop offs may not be easy, but we are not in this alone.  Look around you.  Do you see the system in place.  I do.  I am so grateful for each person that has stood beside me, holding my hand, drying my tears, loving me and my children, just like family. 

I'm fine

I'm fine.  This is probably one of the most common phrases in the English language, and yet everyone knows that 99% of the time, when it crosses the lips, it's a lie.  It's easier to appear fine, when in reality we aren't.  The act of being passive means dealing with the problem later.  We attempt to self soothe. I, myself, am entirely guilty of this deception.  I would rather suffer in silence than bare my soul.  The truth is, I am not fine.  I am hurt. I'm angry. I'm disappointed, suffering in anguish. I am many things, but fine isn't one of them. 

I heard a phrase a few years ago, and it has stuck with me. "You are the easiest person for you to lie to."  When the true meaning of that sentence clicked, it shook me to my core.  The truth in those words was very difficult to swallow, but I could no longer deny that it was truth all the same.   I can convince myself of anything, and it will become my reality.  We all can.  You can sit back and say "No. I don't do that."  Really? You don't? Sure you do. We all do it.  We tell ourselves we're happy.  We satisfy our conscience with the lies that are easier to believe. He really does care. He's not cheating. He'll never do it again. He would never hit me.  She's not prettier than me.  I didn't fail my marriage.  I'm better off without them.  It wasn't my fault. The truths are not appealing, and the heart can't always accept them. 

Every time I utter the words "I'm fine," I feel an ounce of hypocrisy within my soul. All I can think to myself, is are you fine? You're really not. I don't want to hide behind those words.  Cowering behind my insecurities is not the manner in which I intend to live.  I want to be able to communicate that I am in pain.  Sometimes we all need a friend. We all need help from time to time. Why can't we swallow our pride and just ask?

I am a Leo, but I've come to see I don't have the typical traits of that zodiac sign. On the lines of not being financially wise or a strong personality,  yes. I have overcome my control issues and learned to let go. Most of all,  I am the epitome of a doormat. I don't stand up for myself well. I don't defend myself usually, and when I do, it never comes out right. I don't want to be this any longer. I preach to my babies all the time about standing up to bullies,  yet they see me lay down and take it every time their dad or his wife treat me like crap.

As I sit here typing, tears streaming down my cheeks,  I am reminded that I am not fine. I will clean my face and smile,  but I'm not ok. I knew better than to allow myself to feel.  I knew the baggage I bring to the table. I knew it was just a matter of time before my past caught up to the now and ruined everything.  Truth is, I didn't care in the moment.  It felt so good.  It felt right.  The first time in a long time, I allowed myself to fall, all along lying to myself.  I convinced myself, this time it was different.  He's not like the rest.  We're just friends. We weren't.  I took down the walls for a split second, and suddenly he was there.  I began to feel for another, the way I hadn't allowed myself to feel for a very long time. And in a split second, he was gone.  The pain came crashing through my being like a freight train. Yet again, I was the one left. I was the one saying "It's ok. I'm fine.  You're better off without me."  I have often said that I am cursed.  I am beginning to realize that's nothing short of the bitter truth.  Everybody leaves.  My past haunts my present and destroys my future.  At this moment I can't see past today.  It hurts, and I wish beyond anything I could wake up, and it not be real.  I'm not delusional enough to believe that, but it'd be really nice.   

I've come to believe that some people are better off alone. I'm one of them.  No one deserves the heartache that comes with me. No one deserves the headache that my ex will cause, and no one should feel this way. The walls begin to go up again today, higher than before. God please don't let me tear them down again.  I talk about believing in fairy tales, but that's just bullshit.  Fairy tales aren't real.  Happy endings don't happen.  Dreams don't come true.  This pain will end.  I will forget the happiness I felt.  My heart will mend, and I will go back to being fine.  Until then, I will smile through it.  I will pretend I'm ok, and I will appear to be just fine. 

They don't make em like they used to

The generation we live in today is so different than it was even when I was a kid. We hear all the time the phrase "they don't make em like they used to. " Truer words have never been spoken,  my friends. I'm not sure what our parents missed when raising the boys my age,  but something went amiss. Same with the girls. Respect, honesty,  decency,  morality,  all have seemed to vanish. My generation seems to be the dying breed when it comes to marriage. Most of us do it way to young,  and then by 30 we're divorced with kids,  and so jaded the thought of even a relationship makes us cringe. I'm no exception to this. A friend used the term "boyfriend" in reference to a guy I know,  and I had a 3 second panic attack. The thought of being tied down and belonging to someone made me cringe. Mostly it was the thought that I could fall in love and be hurt again.

We don't trust anyone fully,  because no one is honest anymore. Cheating is easy. Lying is doable. Faking emotion is common. We just do what feels good rather than right.

A dear friend told me a story tonight that I feel inspired this exert. This friend fits the category in my book of what "they don't make anymore." We all know that couple that we see as "the happily ever after" pair. They're the ones we believe are going to prove that marriages can still work. Suddenly,  they split. The truth comes out, and well, shit on my dreams of the fairy tale being real, again. You've got a great guy who loves her so much:  tells her she's beautiful, shows her affection,  showers her with gifts,  provides for the family,  and loves them unconditionally. She wants to experience the world, live more dangerously,  sleep around,  visit greener pastures. Well I got need for ya sweetheart. The world is cruel. Love is hard to find. And yes,  I'm gonna say it. They don't make em like that anymore.

In nearly a decade of marriage,  I didn't receive a single Christmas gift that his mother didn't buy, a valentine's card,  mothers day gift,  anniversary celebration, and I could hit the other holidays,  but you get the point. His idea of affection was grinding on me in the kitchen, while the kids were in the living room. No. Kiss me,  hug me, hold me, but don't grind. They don't need to learn that just yet. Chores weren't a joint effort,  in fact I mowed the yard all the way up until I delivered all 3 of our children. To sum it up,  I didn't have a husband. I had a wife with a male body.

The grass isn't always greener elsewhere. If you've got someone who looks at you like a fat kid looks at chocolate cake,  you better hold on tight. It doesn't get much better. If your sex life is suffering,  talk about it. Spice it up a little. If you're feeling smothered,  take a girls trip. Keep your legs closed,  but go. We all have our moments when we feel trapped. How you handle it,  is what defines the future of the relationship.

I can't tell you how to make a marriage work or even a relationship,  because truth is,  I'm single. Haven't had a successful one yet. I can share what will cause it to fail. I can tell a million mistakes to avoid, and that my dear,  is better than anything on earth,  in my southern opinion.

Don't yell at your spouse. Don't talk down to them. They're your partner. Talk to them,  like an adult. If you're irritated,  drink a glass of wine to loosen up first. But,  talk about whatever is bothering you.

Don't argue. I heard Bill Envall say once,  "if you want to argue,  ok, but we've got ya be naked first." Not an adult out there can do it. You're not mature enough. And if you are,  fine. Do 10 jumping jacks naked with your naked spouse. Then fight about it. Never gonna happen. Problem solved. You now have a new joke.

Don't stop wearing/buying lingerie. Keep it spicy. Shake things up now and then. Hang a note on the door that says "get naked," for when they come home. Anything to keep the love alive.

Send the kids to grandma's for a night. We all need a break now and then. Take a night off. Go out. Do something other than dinner and a movie.

Don't lose the affection. For goodness sake,  touch her. Hold her hand. Rub her feet. Kids her neck, shoulder,  arm, hand etc. Just let her know she's wanted. It doesn't have to always lead to sex. Just make your partner feel sexy.

Give compliments. Positive vibes yield positive results. I don't care if he forgot the garbage on the way out the door. Did he look amazing when he walked out?  Tell him. So what if he's all sweaty from mowing the lawn. Tell him he did a great job,  and give him a hug.

Do not EVER sleep in a separate room. Sleep together always. And don't go to bed angry. Work it out, whatever it takes.

Eat dinner as a family. Talk about the highs and lows. Family bonding cannot happen with the tv on. Put the phones away and talk to each other.

Don't poop with the door open. That's not a cute memory any way you swing it.

Don't let yourself go. We all put on a few pounds. Having children changes our bodies. That doesn't mean you stop shaving. Love the skin you're in but make it appealing to them as well. Yoga pants are comfy,  but every now and then put on a dress,  makeup and heels and be a different kind of beautiful.

Be kind. Not many just love their in laws. Visit them anyways. Go to that cake decorating class she's been raving about. Go to the gun range,  even tho you don't think you'll enjoy it. You may be surprised. Stop complaining and just do it,  because you love your partner.

Be honest. Sometimes it hurts. Do it anyways.

Don't lose that sparkle. The ability to stay young forever is one that many lose,  far before their youth is gone. Don't grow old, no matter how much you age. Run around the yard. Build a fort. Have a pillow fight. Stay young forever.

I guess to sum it up, remember what it was like to be dating, when you never farted in front of her,  you always had clean underwear, you were polite even tho you were dying. Don't lose that. Give everything you have to continue winning his/her heart. That's the only way you'll keep it. But above all else,  never stop laughing. The magic dies right after the laughter. If you cannot find comedic relief in the mundane moments of life,  God help you. Take the family to Walmart to people watch. You'll find a reason to laugh there.

There's no secret to success,  but at the end of the day,  it's about giving everything you've got. Today people don't do that. They give up, because it's easy. Don't give up. You loved them once. And remember, they don't make em they used to. You get a good one,  Lord help you to realize it.

Faith in Humanity

In recent years, I have lost plenty of faith in humanity, but the past few days, has shown me that there are still beautiful people in this world.  So many hearts have been hardened, and yet some souls still have the ability to restore hope within me. 

I read a story today of a housekeeper that took time out of her day to shower a precious little girl with souvenirs from a city they were visiting.  That reminded me of my experience when I had my first son.  My daughter was not even 2 when he was born, and bringing him into this world was  traumatic to say the least.  I'd planned to have a normal delivery, but it took a drastic turn for the worst when he got stuck.  I was rushed to emergency surgery.  Of course when I say rushed, I mean an hour later after all meds had worn off, and I'd found myself in the seventh circle of hell on the pain scale.  After all was said and done, I had a beautiful baby that I didn't even get to see.  He was rushed off to the NICU, while I was taken to recovery.  The hormonal embalances began, and the next few days just continued on the downward spiral.  From severe hot flashes to an allergic reaction to the medicine, I was in misery.  A few days after being released from the hospital, I began having severe chest pains.  I was readmitted to the hospital, and my newborn son sent to stay with my parents.  Postpartem depression set in, and I sank lower and lower with each passing minute. 

His dad was at home taking care of our toddler. My sister was due with her son any day and couldn't visit, and the rest of the family were all back to their everyday lives of work and such.  I sat in a hospital room, uncomfortable from the surgery, hooked up to every monitor known to man, in the middle of winter, alone.  Everyday this sweet little lady would come in to clean my room and talk to me.  I couldn't manage to shut off the water works, so she would come each afternoon after her shift to sit with me. We would talk for hours.  In the 2 weeks I was there she would bring me candy bars and sodas and make me feel like family.  I've never been so thankful for someone in my life.  She took time out of her day to devote to me. She didn't have to, but she did  it anyways. 

These random acts of kindness happen all the time, and yet in this evil world we're blinded to them.  Just last night I was having a bad day.  To be quite frank, I've had a rough week.  My sitter accidentally wrecked my only vehicle.  My ex's wife couldn't keep quiet at the hospital while we had our son checked out, causing a huge scene. When I'd finally had enough of the disrespect, I kicked them all out of the room. By the time friday rolled around, I needed a drink. I needed a friend to give me a hug and tell me it was going to be ok. That friend arrived with perfect timing,  a case of beer and an awesome sense of humor to help me reboot.

It's people like these, that give me hope for humanity. It isn't dead. It's just hard to see sometimes. If you can't find a good person in the world,  be one. I'm grateful for these individuals. They are the light in a dark place. They are the ones that make this world bearable when all hope seems lost.

Know your place. ...

The effects of divorce are unimaginable within our children.  For those parents who didn't come from a broken home or blended family, we can't fathom what it feels like.  My parents are still married to this day, so I don't begin to understand, but I witness my tiny human's pain daily.  Each day that passes, there seems to be a new consequence of their parents choices.

For me, I'd love to lessen the effects and am willing to do whatever necessary for this.  Sadly, for many this isn't the case.  We all make bad choices occasionally.  I don't begin to claim I've made all perfect decisions when the kids are concerned.  My emotions get in the way, and more often than I'd like to admit, I take the wrong path.  Each misstep teaches me to bite my tongue the next time, or sit patiently and emotionless through an uncomfortable event.  Again, I'm not perfect, but I am trying.  For other parties involved it seems more often than not, they attempt to provoke. 

There are some things I have seen that concerns me.  I see parents in a struggle of trying to be the best parent.  You can't.  It's simply not possible to compete when there's no competition.  We all have a place in our children's lives, and neither can take the place of another.  Parents, step parents, and grand parents alike all have a position.  Our blended family is the prime example of people not knowing their place.  

In the 8 years I stayed home with my children, I was there for every milestone, from first words to soccer goals. I never missed a single one.  Our divorce changed everything about this arrangement, of course.  I was forced to go to work full time, fine and good.  I didn't ask for alimony in the dissolution of our marriage.  I didn't ask for sole custody or attempt to hoard every minute with my children.  Even when my ex was having nothing to do with our youngest son,  I allowed his mother to babysit him while I worked, as this was the only way  they'd come to know that sweet little angel.  I could tell right away my kids struggled with me working, as they became more aggressive and had a hard time controlling their emotions.  Why wouldn't they be? After all, mom was always there, and now suddenly, she wasn't. They began to begrudge me for this, asking constantly why I wasn't able to take off to go to the zoo. Why aren't you able to go skating?  Why can't we sleep in?  

It's frustrating for me, because I miss doing those things. I miss getting to hang out with them all day. Lately, they've been asking why I don't do the same things their step mom does. Well that was a tough question. It took quite a bit of thought for me to figure it out. The answer is easy. We aren't in the same boat. It took me asking a different set of questions to help them grasp it. How often do you see dad?  How often does he attend the zoo trips? Well he's not able to all the time,  and they see him in the mornings before work and in the evening. Ok fantastic!  We've made progress. Dad and I are on the same frequency. We both go to work every morning to pay the bills. She gets to stay home and take care of the estate. I'm thankful there is someone to be able to do these things,  even if secretly I'm envious and wish it could be me. At the same time, I cringe knowing there will be constant questions about what they do with me. "When did you brush your teeth? Where did you go?  Who did you see?  What did you eat? " Why is that conversation taking place? ! These may seem like legitimate questions,  but in reality they're causing my children to question me. Are they fed? Yes. Did they have a good time? Yes. Are they happy,  and did they return safely? Yes and yes. Nothing else matters. 

I am not only questioned, but I'm belittled for my choices. Just because a person believes they know best doesn't necessarily mean it is so. There is never a reason to interrogate the tiny humans about everyday activities.  Did you wear deodorant today? Really? Who cares? When did you brush your teeth? Again, what does it matter?  First of all, you're insinuating that they stink or aren't taking care of themselves. Humiliating them won't make it better.  Of course if I run out for work without ensuring the kids ate, and they decided to skip breakfast, I'm accused of not having their well being at heart.  If they're asleep when I leave and forget to brush their teeth, again, my fault.  Well at 8 and 10 years old should I really need to tell them every little move to make?  When I was that age, I was pretty self sufficient.  It is said that I am not raising them to have good habits.  My only thought is, they're with me 10 days out of the month. How am I jacking up the habit train? What are you doing on your 20 days?

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who has more time or better habits.  What it boils down to is are we using the right techniques to teach them? Threatening to take away their college fund is the most ridiculous thing I've heard yet.  At 10 years old no one cares about going to college or how much it costs.  Be logical.  They care about their Wii, lap top, phone, tablet, etc.  How about a reward if they do a good job?  Why aren't we trying positive reinforcement? 

I think the worst thing I've seen take place yet is the encouraging of disrespect. I've touched on this briefly in the past,  but may I say,  if I ever hear one of my children disrespecting their dad,  I would flip my lid. Why is it promoted and found comical when it's done to me?  This past weekend was to be mine with my children, but upon arrival to pick them up I had forgotten a car seat. I'm human it happens. It took roughly 90 minutes for one to be delivered, and in that time my daughter became so hateful to me,  I couldn't bare it. She's never shown such hatred and yet when I gave her what she wanted,  which was to stay with her dad,  it appeared to get worse. Had I thrown my hand up with the L at my parents, one of them would've stomped me into the pavement! I can't say that I didn't want to either. I was furious. I was hurt. I was embarrassed. Mostly, I didn't understand. Why did she think this was ok?  And then it was clear....the laughter from her step mother made it ok. Pleasing her seemed important. 

I don't begin to understand everything that goes on in my children's head or with their emotions,  but I am learning to read them. They're desperately searching for approval,  and it's clear they're not getting the right kind. I wonder what the future will hold. I fear what type of adults they will become with such negativity allowed. My heart is heavy with dread. The only hope I have is that someday they will see how much I love them. Lord let them understand that I would do anything to make them happy,  and sometimes that's not always what makes me content. In fact, many times it hurts. 

Someone told me once "the parent that loves the most,  will always, suffer the most. " I'm seeing this more clearly everyday. My children are being used as the weapons to wound me. Why?  What is the obsession with destroying me?  If I ever figure it out,  I'll be sure to let you know. For now,  I can't tell you every way to parent or to make things work,  but I certainly tell you a million things that don't. 

Beauty and the Brave

Bravery can be seen in so many of life's everyday moments.  In recent weeks, I've read hundreds of posts about Caitlin Jenner, and it has inspired me to really ponder what courage really looks like.  I am not going to sit here and say that her stand is comparable to a veteran who's risked his or her life for our freedom, because I don't believe they're in the same ball game.  That said, I do see that it takes a certain amount of bravery to admit you're not living the life you've imagined.  And that's all I will say about her.  To me courage and bravery, valor etc is so much more than that.

Bravery is being a friend, falling in love, declaring your love, changing religions, standing up to a bully and too many other acts to list.  It's a display we show to the world around us, sometimes without even noticing.  It's the smile you flash to the stranger that caught your eye, the drink you bought for the girl at the end of the bar, the secret you told your best friend that would destroy your reputation if it were ever known, and mostly, it's facing the demons within ourselves head on.  Bravery is displayed when a person accepts who they really are and bares their soul to the mirror, with all of the flaws, insecurities, scars and fears and doesn't flinch.

The courage to become a friend is one many don't take notice of. That relationship is built over time and takes trust.  We share the intimate details of our lives. There is laughter, tears, sorrow, joy, pain, quarrels, and every other emotion on the spectrum, and we give that friend a room in our hearts.  We don't charge rent.  We let them in with muddy boots, allow them to bring their baggage along and make huge messes in our lives.  It takes valor to endure another human's burdens, but we each do it so freely.  We accept that individuals past, and we forgive them of every shortcoming they have, many times without question.

As anyone can observe,  my friends are my family, my support system, and my army.  They stand and face this world with me. When I am at my weakest, they are the people that lift my spirits.  They are the souls that fight for me when I've lost all of my strength.  They say the words that I am incapable of speaking, and when I'm certain I'm drowning, they're the ones that seem to walk on water.  I see how blessed I am to have such wonderful beings in my life, and I can't say that they're anything less than miracles.  Whether it's the words "I love you," "It'll be ok," or a simple "I'm bringing beer," they always know exactly what I need and offer it free of charge. And in the same sense, no matter how many times our hearts have been broken, we pick up the pieces and continue to love.  I hear so often from people that they'll never get married again.  This may be true, but you're not dating for no reason.  We are humans.  It's inherent of our nature to seek companionship.  We each search this world over for our soulmates.  Sometimes we settle.  Sometimes we lose them, but we grasp the hope left within us that next time will be different, and we try again. That raw firm of boldness is one to be  reckoned with.

We aren't born warriors. We're molded into them through years of pain. Within my custody battle,  we've fought over everything from money to who is allowed to pick up the kids from school, and there isn't a person in my life that hasn't been affected- some positive and others not so much.  I don't go home everyday with a smile of victory.  There are days when it takes every ounce of my being to crumble to the floor and cry myself to sleep, but I get up in the morning.  I put on my war paint again, and I go out into the world to fight again.  That's hope.  That's courage. That's bravery.  It takes everything I have to face my demons, my faults, my shortcomings, and mistakes, but I do it boldly.  I face them without hesitation, because it's what is necessary.

If there were anyone out there with an excuse to quit, I think I've earned that medal. Yet, I refuse to do so.  I am not a quitter.  I will either win, or I will learn and do better next time. I have come to know that a strong heart full of courage isn't something you can create. It's something you're shaped into. Sometimes we all need a little push or self medication,  and no I'm not referring to drugs. Self medicating can come in the form of a long nap, weekend vacation or simply turning the phone off for a few days. We all need to recharge occasionally. Admitting that also takes courage. The war of life is raging,  and it takes true strength to battle it everyday. We all must face the world,  to me bravery is the character in which you trudge ahead. It's the inability to give in no matter the obstacles up ahead.

The words I couldn't say. ..

I envy people that are able to speak their minds freely, truly I do. I do not possess this ability. Communication is not my strong suit by any means!  You ask me an extremely personal question, and I freeze, especially if it's going to be painful for you to hear. I don't speak out of anger. I just can't. But lately,  I've realized that holding it in is only hurting me. You can't learn from your actions of no one shares how they feel. You can't expect a person to change of there's no light shed on the scenario. These words may never reach anyone that can make a difference,   but at least I'm not compartmentalizing. I spent the better part of a decade with my ex, and while that portion of my life is over there was much left unsaid.

I remember a conversation that took place one night after our separation. He was talking about how he may have been a fool to leave. Truth is,  I don't know. Maybe I was the fool for staying as long as I did. In the time we spent together,  I lost myself. I lost the spark for life I'd had when I was younger. I was trapped in the everyday mundane, and while he complained about it,  he didn't have any suggestions as to how to bring it back. We never went out. We never visited my family together. We never did any of the things I enjoyed. I either had to enjoy his hobbies or venture out on my own. Stifling my creativity and inner desires was a huge mistake. Doing this kills the desire and drive within a woman. There were too many issues in our relationship to count. Anything from communication to chemistry, there was a severe lack of everything, but none of them relative now.

What's important now is our relationship at the moment,  or lack there of. At what point did it become ok to call the mother of your children a "dumbass?" When did it become acceptable to stalk your ex wife? Wouldn't it cross your mind that just maybe spending too much energy on your ex would give your current a complex?  Who feels the effects of your interrogation tactics the most?  I don't have to answer the questions, but when they're concerning me,  who suffers?  We all do, but it's the small children who have developed a guilt complex for loving their mother who end up having the hardest time. And at what point did it sound sane to suggest that their stepmother adopt them?  Seriously?!  I could understand if I were a crack head, in and out of jail,  and had nothing to do with the kids,  but that's not even close. The only time I don't see my children is when they're withheld from me, sometimes for months at a time. The never ending competition is hurting everyone involved.

Our children are hurting. They may not know how to say it,  but it shows. It comes out when our daughter cries herself to sleep, because she was convinced getting a pixie cut was a grand idea. Turns out not so grand when the kids at school call her a boy and her over all self esteem is in the toilet.  Teaching our youngest son to call his mother by her first name is obsurd. But worse than that,  teaching him to call your second wife "mom" is sickening. It's repulsive. And who suffers?  The tiny human who's confused.  Parenting is not a competition. We don't compare. I am their mother. The ONLY mother they will ever have. The same way he is the only father they will ever have. We each have our place in their lives. Why is someone's position being threatened?  No parent should ever feel they have to compete for their children's love or that their children are being convinced they as a parent don't matter.

We were required to take a parenting class before the final decree,  and it was by far the best thing I did. The instructor stood in front of the class and told a story that moved me to tears. She described how when we have children we swear to protect them,  and then in divorce they go from being between us for protection,  to being the ammunition in the war we've begun. She's right. I swore to protect my children from the monsters of this world,  no matter who that would become. That promise won't change. I've spent thousands of dollars and countless hours fighting in court for my children. I will never stop fighting. Until we learn to set our differences aside and stop breaking down the children we share,  or my song breath, quitting isn't an option. I'm not the  perfect parent. Many mistakes have been made along the way, but when did parenting/ coparenting come with a manual? 

My goal in this exert was never to bash anyone,  but merely to bring light to what's really happening. It's been nearly 3 years, and I am still unable to move on with my life for fear of what my ex may do to me or the people that surround me. There have been countless accusations of child abuse, none of which produced a shred of evidence. Numerous people have walked away, because after all,  who on earth wants to deal with it?  If I meet someone,  it doesn't take long for me to realize,  I'm going to hurt them. Not intentionally, of course,  but there's an inevitable amount of baggage that comes with me. So what do I do?  I run. I have learned that is easier to be alone than attempt to make a stand against him. In so many ways,  he wins. On the other hand and when you really stop to consider it,  who's stuck in the past?  Who's relationship is revolving around making mine miserable? Who is it that's so consumed with ruining another's life that he would stoop to stalking,  bullying, and harassing his ex,  all while simultaneously brainwashing their children?  Things to think about..... For now I'll step off my soap box, knowing that I still have a long road ahead. The fighting won't end overnight, but I pray soon enough they lose interest in my hobbies and find their own. Until then,  Lord give me the strength to endure the battle,  the wisdom to encourage my children, and the courage to forgive.