For me, I'd love to lessen the effects and am willing to do whatever necessary for this. Sadly, for many this isn't the case. We all make bad choices occasionally. I don't begin to claim I've made all perfect decisions when the kids are concerned. My emotions get in the way, and more often than I'd like to admit, I take the wrong path. Each misstep teaches me to bite my tongue the next time, or sit patiently and emotionless through an uncomfortable event. Again, I'm not perfect, but I am trying. For other parties involved it seems more often than not, they attempt to provoke.
There are some things I have seen that concerns me. I see parents in a struggle of trying to be the best parent. You can't. It's simply not possible to compete when there's no competition. We all have a place in our children's lives, and neither can take the place of another. Parents, step parents, and grand parents alike all have a position. Our blended family is the prime example of people not knowing their place.
In the 8 years I stayed home with my children, I was there for every milestone, from first words to soccer goals. I never missed a single one. Our divorce changed everything about this arrangement, of course. I was forced to go to work full time, fine and good. I didn't ask for alimony in the dissolution of our marriage. I didn't ask for sole custody or attempt to hoard every minute with my children. Even when my ex was having nothing to do with our youngest son, I allowed his mother to babysit him while I worked, as this was the only way they'd come to know that sweet little angel. I could tell right away my kids struggled with me working, as they became more aggressive and had a hard time controlling their emotions. Why wouldn't they be? After all, mom was always there, and now suddenly, she wasn't. They began to begrudge me for this, asking constantly why I wasn't able to take off to go to the zoo. Why aren't you able to go skating? Why can't we sleep in?
It's frustrating for me, because I miss doing those things. I miss getting to hang out with them all day. Lately, they've been asking why I don't do the same things their step mom does. Well that was a tough question. It took quite a bit of thought for me to figure it out. The answer is easy. We aren't in the same boat. It took me asking a different set of questions to help them grasp it. How often do you see dad? How often does he attend the zoo trips? Well he's not able to all the time, and they see him in the mornings before work and in the evening. Ok fantastic! We've made progress. Dad and I are on the same frequency. We both go to work every morning to pay the bills. She gets to stay home and take care of the estate. I'm thankful there is someone to be able to do these things, even if secretly I'm envious and wish it could be me. At the same time, I cringe knowing there will be constant questions about what they do with me. "When did you brush your teeth? Where did you go? Who did you see? What did you eat? " Why is that conversation taking place? ! These may seem like legitimate questions, but in reality they're causing my children to question me. Are they fed? Yes. Did they have a good time? Yes. Are they happy, and did they return safely? Yes and yes. Nothing else matters.
I am not only questioned, but I'm belittled for my choices. Just because a person believes they know best doesn't necessarily mean it is so. There is never a reason to interrogate the tiny humans about everyday activities. Did you wear deodorant today? Really? Who cares? When did you brush your teeth? Again, what does it matter? First of all, you're insinuating that they stink or aren't taking care of themselves. Humiliating them won't make it better. Of course if I run out for work without ensuring the kids ate, and they decided to skip breakfast, I'm accused of not having their well being at heart. If they're asleep when I leave and forget to brush their teeth, again, my fault. Well at 8 and 10 years old should I really need to tell them every little move to make? When I was that age, I was pretty self sufficient. It is said that I am not raising them to have good habits. My only thought is, they're with me 10 days out of the month. How am I jacking up the habit train? What are you doing on your 20 days?
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who has more time or better habits. What it boils down to is are we using the right techniques to teach them? Threatening to take away their college fund is the most ridiculous thing I've heard yet. At 10 years old no one cares about going to college or how much it costs. Be logical. They care about their Wii, lap top, phone, tablet, etc. How about a reward if they do a good job? Why aren't we trying positive reinforcement?
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who has more time or better habits. What it boils down to is are we using the right techniques to teach them? Threatening to take away their college fund is the most ridiculous thing I've heard yet. At 10 years old no one cares about going to college or how much it costs. Be logical. They care about their Wii, lap top, phone, tablet, etc. How about a reward if they do a good job? Why aren't we trying positive reinforcement?
I think the worst thing I've seen take place yet is the encouraging of disrespect. I've touched on this briefly in the past, but may I say, if I ever hear one of my children disrespecting their dad, I would flip my lid. Why is it promoted and found comical when it's done to me? This past weekend was to be mine with my children, but upon arrival to pick them up I had forgotten a car seat. I'm human it happens. It took roughly 90 minutes for one to be delivered, and in that time my daughter became so hateful to me, I couldn't bare it. She's never shown such hatred and yet when I gave her what she wanted, which was to stay with her dad, it appeared to get worse. Had I thrown my hand up with the L at my parents, one of them would've stomped me into the pavement! I can't say that I didn't want to either. I was furious. I was hurt. I was embarrassed. Mostly, I didn't understand. Why did she think this was ok? And then it was clear....the laughter from her step mother made it ok. Pleasing her seemed important.
I don't begin to understand everything that goes on in my children's head or with their emotions, but I am learning to read them. They're desperately searching for approval, and it's clear they're not getting the right kind. I wonder what the future will hold. I fear what type of adults they will become with such negativity allowed. My heart is heavy with dread. The only hope I have is that someday they will see how much I love them. Lord let them understand that I would do anything to make them happy, and sometimes that's not always what makes me content. In fact, many times it hurts.
Someone told me once "the parent that loves the most, will always, suffer the most. " I'm seeing this more clearly everyday. My children are being used as the weapons to wound me. Why? What is the obsession with destroying me? If I ever figure it out, I'll be sure to let you know. For now, I can't tell you every way to parent or to make things work, but I certainly tell you a million things that don't.
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