I envy people that are able to speak their minds freely, truly I do. I do not possess this ability. Communication is not my strong suit by any means! You ask me an extremely personal question, and I freeze, especially if it's going to be painful for you to hear. I don't speak out of anger. I just can't. But lately, I've realized that holding it in is only hurting me. You can't learn from your actions of no one shares how they feel. You can't expect a person to change of there's no light shed on the scenario. These words may never reach anyone that can make a difference, but at least I'm not compartmentalizing. I spent the better part of a decade with my ex, and while that portion of my life is over there was much left unsaid.
I remember a conversation that took place one night after our separation. He was talking about how he may have been a fool to leave. Truth is, I don't know. Maybe I was the fool for staying as long as I did. In the time we spent together, I lost myself. I lost the spark for life I'd had when I was younger. I was trapped in the everyday mundane, and while he complained about it, he didn't have any suggestions as to how to bring it back. We never went out. We never visited my family together. We never did any of the things I enjoyed. I either had to enjoy his hobbies or venture out on my own. Stifling my creativity and inner desires was a huge mistake. Doing this kills the desire and drive within a woman. There were too many issues in our relationship to count. Anything from communication to chemistry, there was a severe lack of everything, but none of them relative now.
What's important now is our relationship at the moment, or lack there of. At what point did it become ok to call the mother of your children a "dumbass?" When did it become acceptable to stalk your ex wife? Wouldn't it cross your mind that just maybe spending too much energy on your ex would give your current a complex? Who feels the effects of your interrogation tactics the most? I don't have to answer the questions, but when they're concerning me, who suffers? We all do, but it's the small children who have developed a guilt complex for loving their mother who end up having the hardest time. And at what point did it sound sane to suggest that their stepmother adopt them? Seriously?! I could understand if I were a crack head, in and out of jail, and had nothing to do with the kids, but that's not even close. The only time I don't see my children is when they're withheld from me, sometimes for months at a time. The never ending competition is hurting everyone involved.
Our children are hurting. They may not know how to say it, but it shows. It comes out when our daughter cries herself to sleep, because she was convinced getting a pixie cut was a grand idea. Turns out not so grand when the kids at school call her a boy and her over all self esteem is in the toilet. Teaching our youngest son to call his mother by her first name is obsurd. But worse than that, teaching him to call your second wife "mom" is sickening. It's repulsive. And who suffers? The tiny human who's confused. Parenting is not a competition. We don't compare. I am their mother. The ONLY mother they will ever have. The same way he is the only father they will ever have. We each have our place in their lives. Why is someone's position being threatened? No parent should ever feel they have to compete for their children's love or that their children are being convinced they as a parent don't matter.
We were required to take a parenting class before the final decree, and it was by far the best thing I did. The instructor stood in front of the class and told a story that moved me to tears. She described how when we have children we swear to protect them, and then in divorce they go from being between us for protection, to being the ammunition in the war we've begun. She's right. I swore to protect my children from the monsters of this world, no matter who that would become. That promise won't change. I've spent thousands of dollars and countless hours fighting in court for my children. I will never stop fighting. Until we learn to set our differences aside and stop breaking down the children we share, or my song breath, quitting isn't an option. I'm not the perfect parent. Many mistakes have been made along the way, but when did parenting/ coparenting come with a manual?
My goal in this exert was never to bash anyone, but merely to bring light to what's really happening. It's been nearly 3 years, and I am still unable to move on with my life for fear of what my ex may do to me or the people that surround me. There have been countless accusations of child abuse, none of which produced a shred of evidence. Numerous people have walked away, because after all, who on earth wants to deal with it? If I meet someone, it doesn't take long for me to realize, I'm going to hurt them. Not intentionally, of course, but there's an inevitable amount of baggage that comes with me. So what do I do? I run. I have learned that is easier to be alone than attempt to make a stand against him. In so many ways, he wins. On the other hand and when you really stop to consider it, who's stuck in the past? Who's relationship is revolving around making mine miserable? Who is it that's so consumed with ruining another's life that he would stoop to stalking, bullying, and harassing his ex, all while simultaneously brainwashing their children? Things to think about..... For now I'll step off my soap box, knowing that I still have a long road ahead. The fighting won't end overnight, but I pray soon enough they lose interest in my hobbies and find their own. Until then, Lord give me the strength to endure the battle, the wisdom to encourage my children, and the courage to forgive.
No comments:
Post a Comment