The thought occurred to me yesterday that I am not a single parent. I'm a parent. I am a single woman, but that doesn't make me a single parent. In fact, there hasn't been a moment in the last 10 years that I've parented alone. My children have a support system made up of some amazing people, a few assholes, and a network of family. Their family doesn't have to be DNA related, in my book. Family is made of the people who've got your back. They're your ride or die, your best friends, and the folks who will be there for you, no questions asked....sometimes with a 6 pack and bail money.
If I had a dollar for every time I've heard someone ask how I do it there would be a lot less worry about the upcoming bills. I'd probably be set for life. I admit it, having 4 kids isn't easy. But, I also didn't acquire them over night. I know people who've adopted multiple children, and God bless them. It isn't easy. Some days it's down right exhausting. No matter how many children you have, they're still not the most manageable humans. Sometimes just getting to the car takes longer than the errand itself. Cringe worthy moments happen every single day. The last cookie is usually eaten by mom in the closet in one bite with no crumbs to spare. Other times, your best friend eats it right in front of them leaving you to explain why they can't have one. Only someone with really thick friend genes would survive this of course.
Over the last decade, I have done much of the parenting on my own. That is not to discredit anyone that has lent a hand through the years, but I can't remember the last time I was able to go grocery shopping alone. That just doesn't happen. We load up and terrorize the store- all 5 of us. There aren't an over abundance of options for last minute child care when your family lives hundreds of miles away. You just tend to figure it out. That said, I'm still not alone. I have a running list of people on speed dial for little emergencies.
Just last week I arrived at our custody exchange only to notice I had 2% battery life, no phone charger and no car seat. Awesome! And that came with an eye roll and a loud "ugh." I sent 3 text messages before my phone died and then just sat and waited on one of them to appear. Amazingly enough, I wasn't worried. I know my support system, and you can believe that before I used the last ounce of battery life, I chose the top 3 most dependable peeps. The angel that appeared drove 45 minutes from where she was to my house, got the seat and drove another 45 minutes to me. No questions asked. If that isn't a support system, I don't know what is. I think the saddest part of this encounter was that my ex was sitting there watching the entire time...with a carseat in the back of his vehicle. And yes, the eye roll was right behind that sentence as well.
My ex had the audacity to criticize my "single parenting" a day or so after this. All I could think was wow! Had you attempted to coparent the way you're always preaching about, that would've been a simple exchange. Here's the baby, and here's his seat. What was a going to do? Steal the seat? I have 2 extras, thanks. Instead, he parked directly behind me and videoed me while waiting. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. To make me uncomfortable perhaps? Maybe, I don't know.
The moral of the story here, is I don't parent alone. He's a parent. His parents are involved. I'm certain they spend more time with our kids than he does. My friends, my family, if he had any friends, his family...we're all a part of these kids lives. How is that parenting alone? They say it takes a village to raise a child. That's absolutely correct. My youngest son doesn't have his dad in his life, but that won't stop him from having strong male figures involved. I can't take the place of his father. I don't have the mentality nor the equipment, but he won't suffer. We as parents are never alone. We may not have the largest network, and last minute drop offs may not be easy, but we are not in this alone. Look around you. Do you see the system in place. I do. I am so grateful for each person that has stood beside me, holding my hand, drying my tears, loving me and my children, just like family.
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