I'm fine

I'm fine.  This is probably one of the most common phrases in the English language, and yet everyone knows that 99% of the time, when it crosses the lips, it's a lie.  It's easier to appear fine, when in reality we aren't.  The act of being passive means dealing with the problem later.  We attempt to self soothe. I, myself, am entirely guilty of this deception.  I would rather suffer in silence than bare my soul.  The truth is, I am not fine.  I am hurt. I'm angry. I'm disappointed, suffering in anguish. I am many things, but fine isn't one of them. 

I heard a phrase a few years ago, and it has stuck with me. "You are the easiest person for you to lie to."  When the true meaning of that sentence clicked, it shook me to my core.  The truth in those words was very difficult to swallow, but I could no longer deny that it was truth all the same.   I can convince myself of anything, and it will become my reality.  We all can.  You can sit back and say "No. I don't do that."  Really? You don't? Sure you do. We all do it.  We tell ourselves we're happy.  We satisfy our conscience with the lies that are easier to believe. He really does care. He's not cheating. He'll never do it again. He would never hit me.  She's not prettier than me.  I didn't fail my marriage.  I'm better off without them.  It wasn't my fault. The truths are not appealing, and the heart can't always accept them. 

Every time I utter the words "I'm fine," I feel an ounce of hypocrisy within my soul. All I can think to myself, is are you fine? You're really not. I don't want to hide behind those words.  Cowering behind my insecurities is not the manner in which I intend to live.  I want to be able to communicate that I am in pain.  Sometimes we all need a friend. We all need help from time to time. Why can't we swallow our pride and just ask?

I am a Leo, but I've come to see I don't have the typical traits of that zodiac sign. On the lines of not being financially wise or a strong personality,  yes. I have overcome my control issues and learned to let go. Most of all,  I am the epitome of a doormat. I don't stand up for myself well. I don't defend myself usually, and when I do, it never comes out right. I don't want to be this any longer. I preach to my babies all the time about standing up to bullies,  yet they see me lay down and take it every time their dad or his wife treat me like crap.

As I sit here typing, tears streaming down my cheeks,  I am reminded that I am not fine. I will clean my face and smile,  but I'm not ok. I knew better than to allow myself to feel.  I knew the baggage I bring to the table. I knew it was just a matter of time before my past caught up to the now and ruined everything.  Truth is, I didn't care in the moment.  It felt so good.  It felt right.  The first time in a long time, I allowed myself to fall, all along lying to myself.  I convinced myself, this time it was different.  He's not like the rest.  We're just friends. We weren't.  I took down the walls for a split second, and suddenly he was there.  I began to feel for another, the way I hadn't allowed myself to feel for a very long time. And in a split second, he was gone.  The pain came crashing through my being like a freight train. Yet again, I was the one left. I was the one saying "It's ok. I'm fine.  You're better off without me."  I have often said that I am cursed.  I am beginning to realize that's nothing short of the bitter truth.  Everybody leaves.  My past haunts my present and destroys my future.  At this moment I can't see past today.  It hurts, and I wish beyond anything I could wake up, and it not be real.  I'm not delusional enough to believe that, but it'd be really nice.   

I've come to believe that some people are better off alone. I'm one of them.  No one deserves the heartache that comes with me. No one deserves the headache that my ex will cause, and no one should feel this way. The walls begin to go up again today, higher than before. God please don't let me tear them down again.  I talk about believing in fairy tales, but that's just bullshit.  Fairy tales aren't real.  Happy endings don't happen.  Dreams don't come true.  This pain will end.  I will forget the happiness I felt.  My heart will mend, and I will go back to being fine.  Until then, I will smile through it.  I will pretend I'm ok, and I will appear to be just fine.