The Good in Good Bye

So often we think of goodbye in a negative light, but I've come to believe that just maybe it's not so bad after all. Goodbye doesn't have to be such a finality. It's the start of something new and fresh. If we never had an ending,  we'd never have the chance at something better.

The day I realized divorce was inevitably on the horizon,  I swore it would make me better not bitter. I went through the 7 states of grief,  sometimes one at a time and sometimes all at once. Divorce is much like death. You have to grieve that loss. In my case, my ex had done his grieving silently and kept it very well hidden. By the time he gathered the courage to tell me he didn't love me,  that was the final grain of sand. At that point he'd been through every scenario in his head, and he was finally over it. He walked into that hospital room and did what he had to do. On the flip side,  that's where my grieving began. I was frozen. I couldn't believe what he was saying,  and I wouldn't let my mind wander far enough away to see the direction it was going. Classic shock and denial. I clung to our newborn son, and refused to believe it.

After a few hours and one hell of a persuasive argument with a nurse to allow me to leave with this man,  because he had my other two children,  the aching began. The heart in my chest became a knot that was pumping toxic sludge through my very being. I sat through a dinner surrounded by a family that were elated to meet the newest addition to our family and celebrate my birthday. There was no celebration within me. I remember staring at every picture within the room. Memories raced through my being and flooded my mind. It began to sink in that I would never spend another birthday with these people.  Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners would never be the same, and this family would soon no longer be mine.  It was at that moment I could no longer hold myself together. The pain was overwhelming, excruciating, and I had hit stage 2.

The pain of this stage was accompanied by immense amounts of guilt and self reflection. "If I'd only done this,  had I only been that..." My body couldn't rest,  because the mind was soaring through the possible reasons, because he hadn't given me a single one. He just wasn't happy. Well that wasn't a reason to me,  and it was my mission in life to discover why. Why wasn't he happy?  Was it another woman?  Was it money? The kids?  What was it? !! With each passing day, he begged forgiveness and the ability to just forget it ever happened. That wasn't possible for me. I needed a clear understanding, actual reasons to make sense of what was going on, and the more I didn't get those,  the more anger began to set in. Welcome to stage 3.

The only person I had shared what happened with by this time was my sister. I was ashamed to think that I was such a horrible wife that my husband could walk into my hospital room,  new born baby in arms and tell me on my birthday that he didn't love me anymore. I didn't want to admit that they were right all along, for they had questioned our marriage and relationship for years,  while I defended it with every fiber of my being. I felt like a fool.

Every morning he would leave for work,  and I would stay home with 2 adorable babies that didn't understand why mommy was so sad, and a newby that didn't notice at all. I became more resentful with each passing night that I was the only one getting up to feed the baby and the only one taking care of everyone throughout the day. Even though I didn't want him to touch our son, it pissed me off that he wouldn't try. I couldn't stand the site of him anymore,  so I'd moved to the nursery, but he moved with me. Suddenly I trapped. I was being held hostage in my own home. I couldn't find the space to think,  let alone the air to breathe. I attempted to hold it together,  but I melted down every afternoon and the rage turned to pure hatred. I still loved that man,  but I hated what he'd done. I got nauseous every time I looked at him,  and the thought of him touching me just made me cringe.

Five long weeks I muddled through, trying to get a grip on the life that was slipping from my grasp faster than I could understand why.  I begged him to talk about it. I pled for counseling, some sort of help, any help, but I was unsuccessful.  It was becoming more clear by the day that there was a reason, and he wasn't sharing it with me.  He was hiding something.  Not only did this make the pain more unbearable, but it fueled the fury within me that much more.

I had already planned to visit my family in Texas for a week, and decided that this was the only escape I would find.  I don't have family here, so I had nowhere else to go.  I phoned my dad to ask if I could stay with them, with no fixed leave date, and joking has asked "what? did he kick you out?"  He didn't realize then, nor have I ever shared, that those words are what sparked stage 4.  The pain became depression, and I began to sink lower with every acknowledgment that the life as I had known was over.  No matter if we could manage to turn it around and fix it or not, it would never be the same.  I have long known that you can forgive, but you can never forget.  I would never be able to unhear the words "I don't love you anymore."  Those words would ring in my ears for months to come.  And so, after the first big blow out fight, I packed our belongings, loaded 3 tiny humans in the car, and prepared for departure.  His mother realized what was happening as we were loading the last bag into the car.  She knew that was too much luggage for a week, and I had never travelled with toys. 

Between the raging fire that burned through my soul daily and the sadness I couldn't seem to shake,  I was a wreck for months.  I continued to wait for an answer as to why this was happening, all while preparing myself for the worst.  I'd taken my first job after being a stay at home mom for 8 years, and began to stash money away for the inevitable.  I cried myself to sleep so many nights.  My children suffered deeply as well.  My ex had 5 children at this point, and I was certain he would only ever know 2.  I knew that if I stayed gone for too long, he would fade out of the picture.  He was already in the process.  He rarely called.  Getting a response from a text required some very strong words and a guilt trip, and visiting us was out of the question.  I left September 18th, and did not see him again until the end of October, after brow beating him into meeting us half way.  He wouldn't see the kids again until Christmas. I couldn't understand how that was ok.  That didn't make one ounce of rational sense to me.  How could you just sit at home surrounded by our pictures and not miss us?  The answer would come soon enough.

I had contacted a divorce attorney and mapped out a plan. The papers were drawn up, but I was waiting on my answer.  I couldn't just give up on a decade of my life without some form of closure.......and then like a decadent little gift, there it was.  One day of sifting through the bank account to find out why we were broke, it jumped out at me like a giant red battle flag.  He purchased her flowers from our joint bank account.  10 years together, and he had never bought me flowers.  I never got Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, anniversary, mother's day or any other holiday acknowledgments.  I had my answer right there.  He had met someone new, the only question remaining was when.  I did some research and accidentally admitted I wanted a divorce, and I had my closure.  I didn't see the onset of stage 5, the up swing, as it ran parallel to stage 6 of reconstruction.  We worked out all the details to have a no contest divorce and prepared for the finality. 

There were set backs along the way before making it to stage 7 of acceptance.  The first was the day after Christmas, when less than 12 hours after picking up our children and driving them cross country for the holidays, my ex decided to slit both wrists.  When I heard the news, I wasn't fully comprehending what was happening.  It wasn't until hours later that it sank in, and I hit an all new level of confusion.  Why would a father who hadn't seen his children in nearly 3 months attempt suicide just hours after picking up his kids?  Especially considering he still had a week to spend with them.  The 10 hour car ride was filled with anxiety and fear.  Seeing him in the days prior wasn't very hard for me.  I didn't cry.  I didn't miss him.  I didn't want him anymore.  But now suddenly my heart was worried for him.  I had taken care of this man for nearly 10 years.  I had nurtured him when he was sick, and held his hand through times of pain.  A part of me still loved him, and that was becoming  more evident to me with every passing mile.  When I laid eyes on him the next day, I was over run by emotions.  I was nervous, scared, more like petrified, and yet still furious.  Over the coming days, we mended a friendship that had been lost long ago.  We talked about all the things we should've discussed but couldn't.  I came to the brink of calling off our divorce until I realized, we broke once.  If that were possible once it would happen again.  I also knew the only reason, he leaned on my shoulder was, because she took hers away.  That's not the relationship that I wanted, but I did want our children to have both parents.  I knew our baby would never know his dad if I continued to live in Texas, and our older two missed him dearly.  I went home to Texas, packed our bags, and prepared for the move home. 

I moved in with my soon to be ex in laws until I could get on my feet, and I began looking for a job.  Miraculously, I found an awesome career, a place to live and friends that would become my biggest support.  I began to rebuild my life.  I had accepted that the life I knew was over, and while I still cried- I shed many tears- I still felt rage and fury- I continued to suffer, but I was on the mend.

The road to happiness has been paved with the pain of broken hearts.  I have seen the mountains and valleys, and finally I stand here today on the plateau picking up the broken peices.  I don't know what the future holds, but I do not regret the goodbye.  I have never written the full story of my divorce.  I have only ever shared it with those close to me.  The pain didn't end with the final decree, nor did the fight, but that is for another day. The end of my marriage was the beginning of a whole new life for me.  I am finally able to be the person I had been hiding.  I am able to live without apologies. I  have a new understanding of my faith and a new outlook on life.  I still believe in marriage.  I still believe in love.  I don't regret a day I spent in that life, as it has taught me so much.  I have learned to say goodbye and look forward to the future.  Goodbyes are often painful, but they open new doors.  Accepting them with grace is easier now. I will embrace my dreams, wish upon stars, believe in miracles, and love with all of my heart knowing that some people will leave.  Some will cause immense suffering, but some will stay.  And they will be the ones worth loving. 

Less stress, more mess!

Calling all parents! There's a meeting tonight after the babies go to bed. It's called "break time!!" It's time we as parents cut ourselves some slack and stop feeding in to the mainstream ideology of what makes a mom or dad a good parent. You know what makes you great? Being present. Feed them, clothe them, laugh with them and keep them alive. That's all it takes. The rest is however much you want to put into it.

We parents need to stop feeling guilty for so called short comings. No matter how hands on in parenting you are,  as long as you're interacting positively that's a good thing. I play Legos on the floor, and the kids help me cook occasionally. I swing on the swing,  even tho it kills my legs,  and I slide down the slide (often getting stuck while the kids laugh). Maybe you can't swing, because it makes you nauseated. Ok,  did you take them the park?  I hate swimming with kids. Don't get water in my ears and for the love of sweet tea,  don't spit on me. I still take the kids to the pool almost every day in summer. Why?  Because they love it. That laundry can wait a few more hours,  and the dishes will be there when we get back.

We get caught up in the preconceived notion that every day has to be supremely awesome,  when that's just the biggest load of crap. There will be days when you're ready to pull your hair out. You will yell. You will scream. There will be times when you inevitably swear, and the first time you hear your tiny human use the same phrase, there will be regret. Again, cut yourself some slack.

 At some point in your child's life,  you will walk in to a bathroom with poop smeared somewhere. When the gagging and swearing have ended,  the understanding will begin. At least one toilet in every household will be clogged with an entire roll of toilet paper,  or in my case a fairy figurine. My sisters son flushed a baseball once and required a half remodel to fix. It's gonna happen!  There will be stains on your carpet from walking in to a kid covered in chocolate syrup. Every parent will have to say something along the lines of "don't eat the dogs food!"

Children will fall. They will get hurt. It's part of growing up. When my daughter fell just days after turning 4 and broke her arm,  I felt like the worst parent on this planet. I'm not. It wasn't my fault. She tripped and landed wrong. It took the Dr asking if I needed a nerve pill for me to realize that. We would all take the pain away from them if we could. They need to experience these things,  as hard as that is to accept. Putting your children in a bubble will only give them a false sense of security. You won't always be able to save them. They need to know your job is to teach them,  encourage them,  love them, and brush them off when they fall down and send them back out there.

So, when you wake up,  expect a great day. Expect that that day will hold unexpected events like lipstick on the sofa, barbie dolls with no heads, and just maybe a few stitches. That doesn't make it a bad day. Their clothes don't always have to be name brand or even match. Make shoes optional sometimes, when the kids go to bed,  drink that glass of wine. Hell, drink the whole bottle. Relax and be thankful for  everyday you get with those tiny humans. Remember that in the moment it isn't fun,  but you'll laugh about it soon enough. Take a picture of the destruction now and then to remind them when they're older what their children have in store for them. Most of all, love them. They're only little for a little while.

Pirates and whiskey

Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder who the stranger staring back at you is?  So many people look at their lives and wonder how they ended up at this point. One step at a time, my friend,  one step at a time.  We arrived at this very moment by taking a step in this direction,  willingly or unknowing. We still made it.

I have many times said I will never sign another divorce decree. I stand by these words. When I say till death I mean it. So whether it be from old age or down the barrel of a gun,  I will not pay another divorce attorney. I will not endure another 3 years of misery over bakeware and who will take the kids to baseball practice. You want to marry me?  You better be unwavering in that decision, because one ounce if doubt,  and I'll run like Forest Gump.

I know exactly what I want in this life. I have goals, dreams and fantasies, and while I may not achieve every one,  I'll get extremely close. I want to be self employed one day and successful. I want to own my very own piece of dirt. There is a man out there I want to share this life with. Maybe I've met him, and maybe not,  but he's there, and hopefully we will find one another. Of course,  my greatest hope is that he feels the same. I will admit,  I am not everyone's cup of tea, but some like a shot of whiskey with it,  so there's hope for me yet!

I am a very strong and independent woman. I don't need a man to carry me,  help me or take care of me. Truth is I don't need a man. I WANT a man to stand beside me and walk through this life together. I want a partner and a friend to laugh at my stupid jokes, poke fun at me when I'm needing a boost, and to enjoy the every day routine of life. I want someone to support my choices,  and whom I can encourage to succeed as well. There will be ups and downs inevitably, and we will fight I'm certain. To have someone that never gives up on me,  who's willing to fight for me,  and will  always look at me with wonder and love,  that is the ultimate dream.

Girls are brought up believing in fairy tales,  and so much of me still does. Don't get me wrong,  I have no disillusions about it. The Disney stories aren't real. I don't want the big poofy white dress, and I know I have slim to no chance of marrying royalty, but I can be someone's queen. I have a big heart that's full of love, just waiting to share. I will not share this heart with anyone unworthy,  for I know my worth, and I'll settle for nothing less.

The point I set out to make is that I got the point I am in this life by one decision at a time. Some of them were piss poor to say the least,  while others I  have to give credit to the Lord above. No way I could be that smart on my own. I've gotten lucky some too. I don't regret a single decision in my life,  because each one brought me here, and well, I think I'm pretty awesome. A man once asked if I regretted ever meeting my ex,  and the answer is no. I don't regret it in the least. He taught me many things in those 10 years, and he gave me 3 tiny humans that I love more than anything in this world. Regretting him would mean regretting them, and that I could never do.

Each mistake,  every misstep taught me a lesson,  be it good or bad. My love life has taught exactly what type of man I want to share my life with, and every trait I will not tolerate. Friends, boyfriends and lovers alike have shown me what real chemistry is,  what a gentleman looks like,  how to escape the games, and most of all how to listen to my inner voice. I believe in the gut, and I trust it. My brain can be stupid. My heart takes me for a ride that's not anyways fun,  but the gut never lies. She stands screaming "He's a pirate!  Only out for the booty!" And I've learned to run, without surrendering the gold. After all,  there are little people that look up to me. I will not allow a person to enter my life and influence theirs negatively. You'll be a role model or an example.

Like I said,  I may not be everybody's cup of tea,  but I can be someone's shot of whiskey.

A mother's love

Kids will test every ounce of patience in a person. You know why they say don't pray for patience?  Because the good lord will test you! And many times He uses or children. I love kids, I really do. You gotta love kids to travel with them,  home school and even take them out in public. To endure the never ending questions, and "I wants", flatulence, whining, screaming, fighting, bickering and all around rude behavior, it takes an immense amount of love and understanding.

Kids also say the most cruel and hurtful things. It's not because they mean them,  but more a way of expressing anger for not getting their way. They have actions that follow of course. When children don't get their way, they cry,  scream, stomp, huff and pitch an all out fit. The older they get the calmer these fits become,  with less tears and noise, and more words of hate. The first time I heard the words "I hate you" I broke down. That simple phrase felt like a bullet to the gut. They got more sadistic as time went on. I've become stupid and mean. Now when things don't go as expected I hear "I just wanna go to my dad's! He loves me." Well I'm sure he does, and hopefully he would show that love by enforcing the rules and not allowing you to disrespect your mother.

Discipline means to teach. A parent must love their children to instill discipline. What I'm about to say may very well piss a lot of people off, but it's my belief,  my opinion and I'm going to throw it out there. If you don't teach your children to be a respectable human being by putting your foot down, you don't love them the way you should. We should love our children enough to put the fear of God within them. When I hear the phrase "only God can judge me" it makes me so mad. You're right only he can,  and you should be afraid. The good Lord loves his children enough to teach them lessons in life,  and we should be on the same page. I do not tolerate disrespect. I will not have a child,  any child, speak to me like dirt. I will not sit quietly and watch an eye roll, shoulder shrug or huff and stomp of the foot. It has been bred into my very being to put a stop to this. I do not get along with my ex or his family,  but I will be damn if I allow my children to speak to or about them in a manner that's disrespectful, hateful, mean or anything else. You will respect your elders. You will do as you are told. And that's that.

The motto in our home is "you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit", followed up by "eat it or starve." I don't negotiate with my children,  nor do I accommodate. I love them,  but I go by a nice rule. We can play fast food. You'll be McDonald's. I'll be Burger King. We'll have it my way, and you'll be loving, badabababa. Yes, I went there.

I've sat here for 2 hours, tears streaming down my face asking why nothing I do is ever good enough. There are days when I don't land on my feet. Some days I crumble to the floor and beg for enough grace and courage to face tomorrow. I have long said that life is not supposed to be this hard,  but I'm realizing that it is normal. I am thankful for the unkind things my children say, because it makes me see that I am loving them the right way. I am molding tiny humans into wonderful people, and someday they will thank me for it. Maybe not today, or even out loud,  but someday they will see that every action I took was with their best interest at heart. I've had to make some very tough decisions. I've made sacrifices on their behalf that they may never know,  but I do it with a happy heart knowing someday it will pay off.

My dad told me when I was young "it's a parents job to teach their kids the way to go. It's up to the child to choose that path." Lord I pray tonight, that you give me the wisdom to point them in the right direction. Soften my heart that I may love them more. Give me the words to say to encourage them,  lift them up and stimulate their conscience to grow. May they look to you for guidance as well. Lord take my children under your wing and protect them through this world that's so full of evil, but Lord most of all give me thicker skin to endure the harsh words that will inevitably cross their lips. And give me the love and patience to correct it without fail,  to shine a light on the better way to behave and to love one another. Their hearts are empty cups, lord help me fill it up.

Life is messy, and I love it!

Life gets messy sometimes. Whether it be physical,  emotional or mental,  sometimes all of the above,  it can be chaos. Not many would admit it, or even agree,  but I am thankful for life messes. They're learning points. Every adventure teaches me something.

My marriage taught me to hide my feelings and present myself the way the world imagines it should be. My divorce taught me to embrace those feelings and follow my gut. If something doesn't feel right,  it probably isn't. Society has this fantasy that couples are supposed to be,  which simply isn't always the case. More married couples sleep in separate rooms and smile in public than you'd imagine. And yet,  that is accepted. Women are shamed for seeking help with depression or anxiety. Truth is,  I don't think there's a woman out there that hasn't experienced postpartum depression in the form of baby blues all the way across the spectrum to postpartum psychosis. Why is it shameful to see a counselor or take medication?  I will throw my southern opinion out there. I find it much more a disgrace to avoid the problem and attempt to hide it. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. We all need it from time to time.

I personally have suffered from depresssion in the past. I've battled anxiety as well. I've sat on the counselors couch and cried my eyes out,  wondering what was so wrong with me. I propose another question. What was wrong with my situation?  Could it be that I was a stay at home mom with no outlet, no help, and no encouragement? Is it possible to say I was unhappy in my marriage and didn't realize it?  I suffered miserably with my first 2 children. I was heavily medicated and constantly being shuffled from shrink to shrink. I was even misdiagnosed as bipolar. It wasn't until the third child arrived, and my husband told me in the hospital two days after delivery that he didn't love me anymore, that I realized my discontent. As much as I tried to forgive him,  I couldn't.

Time has shown me that it wasn't the words he said,  I couldn't forgive, but the fact that I'd been trapped in this relationship for 8 years. He didn't trap me there. I did. I stood at the door of the chapel that sunny day in May, and I knew then, it wasn't forever. I had a wishbone rather than a backbone. I was frozen on the alter shaking, forcing a smile,  thinking of the 100 people behind me that would be disappointed if I ran. Looking back,  the disappointment was greater 8 years later. When we separated or belongings,  children,  families, memories and lives.

Raising my third child alone for 18 months while his father had nothing to do with him,  wasn't depressing at all. It was frustrating to see him take my older two and not the baby,  but it wasn't sad. I couldn't understand how anyone could choose between their children, but after all,  he'd done that before. Five children and he only knows 3. That was the sad part. But still,  I didn't suffer from depression. My anxiety was stimulated by financial struggles,  but was kept at bay ultimately  without medication.

When the fourth tiny human arrived,  my anxiety was at an all time high. Not because of the baby,  but because of the situation I was in. I was miserable and couldn't find the exit. Though I've never told before, I would pray at night for the good Lord to lead the way. I didn't expect the exit to be as dramatic as it was, but it was an exit none the less. For weeks and months I didn't want to accept that my prayers had been answered,  but as soon as I stopped convincing myself the situation was worth saving,  I realized I didn't need it nor did I want it.

I've since embraced the fact that will be a single mother,  and not one ounce of my being is sad about that. My situation has taught me so many things. It is better to be alone,  than unhappy. We should never forfeit happiness for sake of appearances. Keeping quiet and crying in the dark is no way to live. It's not living when your soul is dying. I want to chase the sunset and dream out loud. This isn't possible without first admitting there's a problem.

Looking down on another because they aren't upholding a superficial standard, is not only wrong but incredibly hypocritical.  As individuals, we should admire and encourage one another to follow their heart, live their dreams and seek guidance whenever needed. Whether it be in the form of a preacher, counselor,  shrink,  Dr or friend,  we all need a little help sometimes. So for now I will be thankful for my messy life. The crumbs on my floor tell me the kids were fed. The toys I trip over mean they had fun, and the smile we all share means for the first time in a very long time we've been honest with ourselves. We are allowing or souls to thrive in the love we share. My broken heart is mending more every day,  because I choose to live with every broken piece.

My southern opinion. ..

Life has a funny way of teaching us things we could never learn in school. I'm convinced elementary school should have a class to teach children how to express their emotions. Middle school should teach how to communicate with the opposite sex,  and high school should have an entire year devoted to responsibility. The education system gives knowledge that by far is wonderful,  but I can't tell you one thing I learned in algebra other than we couldn't find x and nobody knew y. Chemistry was not the same chemistry I learned through life's lessons. Had we learned that in school,  a lot of people wouldn't have spent years in a bad marriage, because they couldn't recognize the chemistry that matched their own.

I'm southern. Southern women have plenty of opinions, and yes,  i plan to share mine. We should be teaching our children to balance a check book, save for a rainy day,  flirt without being disrespectful, date without getting pregnant,  and the good Lord knows we should be teaching what having children too young will do to your life. I adore my children, but I am immensely grateful to my parents for instilling enough values in me to not procreate before I was 20. Too many kids are having kids and growing up together or not at all. I tell my children daily, "you don't know who you are before your 25. Some people haven't figured that out by 30, and those who say they don't at 40 are simply refusing to accept reality." 

Kids these days need to know how to drink responsibly, dress appropriately and speak a proper dialect and their minds without being rude. They should know that a good buzz is enjoyable,  but getting shit faced is not only tacky but miserable,  for the individual experiencing it  and also those around them.  Dressing to impress is great,  but letting it all hang out just shows your easy and leaves little to imagination. No you're not asking for anything other than the wrong kind of attention,  but no decent gentleman wants to take home the girl who appears to have seen more shaft than an elevator home to momma. Tuck in your ninnies, wear shorts longer than your pockets and crack,  and makeup should reflect the natural you. I shouldn't even have to explain how to speak properly. If I have to,  you don't know how and should learn.

Teaching the Teacher

In the 10 years I've been parenting, I must say I've said some crazy things. I've given some wild advice-all I believe to be pertinent in growing up. As a single mother,  I feel it's my job to ensure my boys be good men. Don't get me wrong, I can't possible take the place of their dad,  nor would I want to. I can however,  teach them the things I wish he had done. This is not the point of my exert today, so I will save that for another post.

While watching my children,  I find it necessary to create a new completely off the wall rule every day. Like "don't throw mud at the neighbors dog. " Or "always wash your feet before standing on the counter. " I know how this sounds, but I promise there has been a time when I have come in to little foot prints of dirt on the counter,  and the neighbors dog does not enjoy the angry German, for the mere fact that he got hit with a mud pie. I've had to explain why eating on the toilet isn't a grand idea. Listening to myself shout across the room not to chew the window sill or lick the door was a bit disturbing. Where do they come up with this stuff?  Then I look back in my childhood and remember microwaving frogs just to see the result. Thankfully my tiny humans aren't that sadistic!

Kids will keep you on your toes,  that's for sure,  but I've come to believe curiosity is a wonderful thing. They say it killed the cat,  but only 1 of those 9 lives,  in my opinion was attributed to curiosity. The imagination needs stimulation,  and these creatures need the ability to explore the world. I grew up in the south, and I'm so thankful for nights when we'd catch fireflies and watch the stars twinkle. We built a fort on the side of a hill one summer out of nothing but dirt. That was the coolest place on earth to us. I can only hope my children have memories just like those to share when they've grown up.

So for now, I look forward to each day that we learn one more crazy lesson in life like "why not to eat goldfish crackers in the pool."  I cherish every day with these tiny humans,  because I know their youth is fleeting. Sooner than I care to admit,  they will be driving me around and spending more time with their friends than their family. Soon enough they will know the hardships of adult life. For now,  I will relive my youth through them and help them create the memories of puddle jumping and mud fights,  chasing down frogs and playing house,  because someday "house" won't be a game. 

Faith's Test

My motto has become "life is hard." Life is hard. Life is cruel. Things happen in every existence that are simply inexcusable. In my life, I have experienced despicable events. Despite everything,  I do not see myself as heartless, cold or bitter.  Maybe I'm in denial.

I believe in a higher power. I believe there is a plan and a purpose for everything. I don't think this life is random by any means, which is why I have become so discouraged. My confusion has become overwhelming,  and my faith seems to be on sinking sands. We each have a hand in our destiny. I've always understood that each action has a reaction, be it positive or negative. I'm not claiming to be perfect by any means. I make my fair  share of mistakes daily, but I've come to the conclusion karma has the wrong address.

Recent events have brought me to seriously question humanity. I will never understand how anyone could claim to have a conscience and then do something to inflict intentional pain. I find it difficult to trust anyone now. I invested my soul in another human who seems content in using my greatest fears against me. Humanity isn't the only thing I question. I wonder if God has forgotten me. I question if He hears my prayers at all. I was handed an unbelievable situation, and I did what I believed was what was best for my family. I've worked so hard and overcame enormous obstacles,  yet each reward seems overshadowed by another trial looming ahead. I've done everything in my power to make the best of an unthinkable situation with no avail. I try to see the upside,  but it seems the climb only leads to another misery.

At this point,  I teeter between self doubt and attempting to find the strength to fight another round. I find myself gripping so tightly to everything I hold dear for the fear that it will be torn from me. I have never been a nostalgic person. I don't sit around reminiscing, but lately I find myself drifting off lost in the memories. I am so thankful for the people in my life. my heart is so full of gratitude for the support system around me. They may not be DNA related,  but they are my  family. I love them each so dearly. Each one has their own way of lifting me up when I need it most.

My faith may be under fire,  but every time I hear someone say "Be strong.  Keep praying. " I am reminded that just maybe God really does work in mysterious  ways. Maybe that's Him gently reminding me to keep going. I may not be able to run or even walk,  but so long as I can move,  I'll not give up. I will fight. I will stand again. I will win,  in this life or the next. I may not have the answers or results I've been praying for,  but it doesn't mean He doesn't hear me. There's a lesson to be learned here somewhere. I pray someday I understand. I pray my sweet babies do too.

Lord don't harden our hearts. Help us to see your beauty even in our pain. Give us the strength to believe in you: to trust in your plan even when we don't see the destination. May we trust the light at the end of the tunnel is you even when we fear it's  the  train. Give us the patience to wait for you: to wait on you to reveal your plan to us. Most of all, Lord guide our steps that we may be a witness for you.

Men lie, and women wear make up

Men and women fall in love so differently. Women fall for what they hear, men fall for what they see.

I read a meme yesterday that said "a whiskey glass and a nice ass will always be man's downfall." I saw another that read "he said I was the one....I lied to get in her pants, it worked."  That sums it up right there.

I have watched many times women fall too hard and too quickly. They invest every ounce of their soul in a relationship long before the trust is earned. I have also witnessed and  experienced men playing the game too get what they want...in her pants. Women!!!!! Wake up!! When will we learn? When will we learn to teach or daughters that before she spreads, make him earn it. Men!!!! Stop letting your sex drive, drive you!!! She's worth getting to know a little better.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying teach our girls to be gold diggers and wait for marriage. I do believe it's good to discover who you are. However, get to know someone. Talk, listen, laugh and then fall in bed. I firmly believe there'd be a ton less unplanned pregnancies, parenting plans, paternity tests and certainly broken hearts.

I am determined to teach my sons that women are valuable creatures. I want to help them see that they need women more than women need them. Men are easy to come by. Women, not so easy. I am set on teaching my daughter that she is worth more than the smooth talk of a southern gentleman. I want her to know that words mean nothing, unless there's action behind them.

I tell my oldest son constantly, "never show up empty handed." I don't care if you take her flowers, wine, chocolate, gum or running shoes, you take her something. Every time. Don't break the bank of course, but show her she means enough to plan ahead. "Take her flowers, and tell that bitch she's beautiful." Flagrant words I know, but he remembers them.  Be willing to tell her in person. A "good morning beautiful" text is anyways nice, but if it's just routine, it's not meaningful.  Tell her how special she is. Don't smother her, but show her she is the most wonderful creature. After all women are fascinating.

I believe this last generation has lost the value in themselves. They've become so self absorbed and consumed by their own lusts and greeds that they use and abuse people to accomplish their own agenda. I pray I can make even a tiny difference in the world by teaching my children morals and values. My moral compass may not anyways point due north, but I'm trying.  I've told my children dozens of times "Men fall in love with what they see, and women fall in love with what they hear. This is why men lie and women wear make up." Bring back the chivalry, take off the layers of paint and be real.

Catastrophic failures become new blessings

I often joke and many have heard me say, "I am ready to have the nervous breakdown I've been working on for two years." Truth is, I probably could have a full out melt down, but I am too much of a control freak to allow it.

Those closest to me can testify, I am cursed. I have long time known this, but it became glaringly obvious when a dear friend called from New Orleans to tell me a voodoo shop brought one thought to mind, me. At first I laughed it off. Sadly, this laughter has faded over time, and the reality of the situation is, he is right. I should've been named Murphy, because everything goes wrong!!!!

"When it rains it pours" is an understatement in my case. If I juggle one bill to purchase something extra, you can guarantee 40 will come due unexpectedly. My vehicle has never broken unless I've just paid the note. The utilities are always due the day before payday, and you can rest assured if I start a fight with ex, it's when I can't afford the lawyer.

Over the past couple years, I have seen incredible devastation, and while in the midst of misery I may not have the brightest outlook, I know I gain strength with each failure.  I have discovered that kids are only little once, and I want them to be happy at any cost. I have learned to cherish the simple moments and not stress the unimportant things. A perfect house sounds great, but we live in ours. It's a distinct possibility if you arrive unexpectedly, there will be toys on the floor, laundry in the bathroom, dishes in the sink, at least one kid running around half naked and a mom swearing obscenities because she just stepped on a wet cheeto. It is what it is. My babies are precious to me, and it sends fire through my soul to have someone say I don't care about them.  I have learned to smile at the tiny hand prints that are left behind. I'm ok with toys I step over every day, because they built a fort out of cars and weren't done playing. I don't have to have the most fancy furnishings. As much as I despise vans, the sliding doors are cool, and they have some serious storage space. I am no stranger to laugh lines, and I may never be swim suit ready again, but they're worth it.

I was told to count my blessings. When all goes wrong, focus on the positive and what can go right. Well, that may be easier said than done, but it's possible. In 18 months, I have gone from a stay at home mom in the suburbs to a single working mother of 3. I am a full time parent, with a full time job and overtime responsibilities, no time for much of a life and that's ok. We make it work.

I pray forgiveness for my short comings, but I accept my imperfections just the same. Life is hard. It's cruel, but it's also beautiful, if you know where to look. Money may be a serious stress point, but you can't take it with you, so enjoy what you have and buy desert now and then. Kids drive us all crazy, but now and then, let's take a step back and see that a junk food day is ok. Work may be hell everyday, but you're getting paid to be there. If you hate it that much get a new job. I want to ever embrace the simplistic moments in this life. It's worth it. Life isn't easy, but it's a hell of a ride.