I can't wait for the day that I'm old enough to move in with my kids. I know how that sounds. It sounds insane. I'm well aware of the insanity in that phrase, but honestly what sweet justice? I want to be the one running through the house naked right after a bath or staring blankly at the tv after being told we have to leave in 5 minutes with only 1 sock on. Yep, that sounds awesome to me.
Better yet, I want to get in their business. It'll be my turn to ask the crazy questions like What's wrong baby? You're poor? I mean UP IN THEIR BUSINESS! I want to be the old lady in the grocery store begging my kids to buy EVERYTHING on the shelf... or just sneaking random crap in the cart and pretending to have no clue where it came from later. I'll ask to borrow money all the time. I'm going to read their text messages, may even respond to a few. Mail won't be safe either. I'll look through their bills and question where their money goes. The fun part will be asking about their relationships. Why do y'all fight about that? Why do you like him/her? How come he never buys you flowers? I don't think he spent enough money on you for Christmas. You should've planned better for that anniversary.
Child discipline won't be safe either. Honey, it's ok. Granmum will fix it. We'll go get a cookie. We won't tell mom and dad you were bad today. Don't spank him. He's just being a boy. I never punished you for that. You're not being fair to that child. I think you like Bobby better than Suzy. Oh yea! Boundaries won't exist at all. They'll have all these long talks with me about how I'm being disrespectful and need to mind my own business. What are they going to do? Send me to my room? Put me in a nursing home? Then I'll call home every day and lay the guilt on thick about how I never sent them away when they were being difficult. I just sucked it up, dealt with it and loved them anyways. They good news is I have 4 kids, so I can torture them one at a time.
When we go to Dr. appointments, I'll be the one in the waiting room going on and on about how they NEVER feed me. At the mall I will complain how they never buy my anything. My stuff is all so old, and Ugh, you always say no to everything. TV time will be my time to sit and talk over whatever it is they're wanting to watch. I will inevitably have to pee everytime someone takes a shower, and when my rear hits the seat it may have a different urge. I will use all the hot water when I bathe and splash water all over the floor...water I won't clean up. I may even get out of the bath to pee and leave water all over the toilet seat. I'm never flushing either. I will hide my dirty laundry under the bed, and stuff shredded paper behind EVERYTHING. I will make a point to spill every drink I am poured, hate every dinner served, and complain how nothing is ever good enough. Cleaning will be out of the question. I'm shoving all the junk into the corner and then begging to go outside to play.
Speaking of play time... every night it'll be play a game with me. Let's go jump on the trampoline. I want a popsicle. I need those skittles!! Of course, I won't ask just once. Oh no, that wouldn't be fun. I'll beg until they either give in or flip their lid. I'll stare at them with that why have you gone nuts look the entire time they're yelling. I may stare off into space occasionally until they get in my face and ask why I'm not listening to them. And when they've had too much, I'll go tell them how sorry I am. Make them feel like I'm going to change, and then ask for the skittles a few hundred more times.
The car will be the best place ever. I will help pump the gas and go extremely slow with it. Needing something from every gas station is a must, and using the bathroom at every stop will never get old. The radio station will need to be on what I like to listen to, and I'll roll the windows up and down constantly on a rainy and cold day while kicking the back of their seat. I will be hungry every time we get in the car and leave half my food under the seats. Of course, I will require bringing something from home everywhere we go and leave it in the car too.
When their friends come over, I'm going to share secrets like They were fighting yesterday. She said she was kicking him out. They didn't pay the wifi bill on time. They yell at me all the time. My room sucks, and my bed is uncomfortable. Oh the bed! Yes, in the middle of the night for the first couple months I'm there, I will creep into their room and ask to sleep with them. When that doesn't work, I'm going to steal their favorite blanket for my bed, because it's just so perfect. Their favorite pillow will be mine. I will sit in their favorite spot on the couch when they get up. It's very important that I remember I must poke them every time I need their attention and call their name over and over and over and over and over again. If they refuse my attention, I will make a point to get right in their face, maybe even grab their cheeks. Lights will always have to be on in every room, which I will forget to turn off. I'm not walking the dog. What do I look like? I did my chores for the 100 years I was raising them. No matter how full the trash is, it'll hold what I need to discard, even if it means throwing it on the floor next to can. And a trail of candy wrappers will follow me wherever I go.
I will wait until we're in public to pass gas or burp. I'll talk about my movements and bodily functions all the time. I may even question their bodily functions and snicker whenever someone farts. It'll be the best thing that ever happened. Coloring on random pages in notebooks will keep me busy at night, and writing funny things in their calendar will be a nice gift they need to find. The best part of all of this? They'll love me for it. They'll sit around complaining to their friends about how annoying I am, but yet I seem to have the sweetest look. They just can't get rid of me. They'll miss me when I'm not around, and they will crave my laughter in the silence. I will be the smiling face they can't wait to see when they get home, and the bad days will be better when I'm there. I will test their patience at every turn and push them to the very last thread of their rope, but I will reel them back in at the end of the day with my never failing love and affection.
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