Thinking out loud

I don't normally write about the details going on in my head. I'm much more of a big picture kind of gal and try to find a positive lesson in all that goes on. Lately positivity seems to have escaped me. Even on my worst days, I'm usually great at faking being fine. Today I couldn't. This week I couldn't. Truth is,I haven't been fine in a while.

I'm so tired, and lately nothing I do is good enough. My jokes aren't funny. My playing isn't fun. My presence isn't enjoyable. My touch isn't desirable. I can't seem to get comfortable in my skin, but then again, I can't pinpoint the problem either.

I've been unemployed since August. I was looking to make a change when it was made for me, so the loss wasn't hard to accept. The turn of events following were enough to drive the strongest faith to questions. I lost my home just 10 days after the job, because the 2 were attached. I moved in with a friend and started picking up the pieces.

I've done odd jobs to make ends meet, and thank God for help from people along the way. It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try, it isn't enough. When things begin to fall in line, I've begun to stare at the horizon in search of the storm brewing. I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. I should learn to enjoy the moment, but lightening strikes, and I've found it less painful if I see it.

I worry my heart is hardening. I fear the lack of emotion. I've long believed the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference, and I find myself caring less and less.  Please don't misunderstand, I am not discussing my love life. In general, I've lost interest, and that was abundantly clear this weekend. There I was, sitting on the floor faking having a grand time, and my sweet 3 year old asked "mumum, you sad?" Up until that moment I thought I was doing great, but tears immediately fell. "No" I replied. "Mums just tired. "

I am tired, but sleep won't cure my fatigue. I am so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of feeling torn. It's exhausting forcing a smile everyday. No matter what I plan, it turns to shit. I can't see the fun anymore, and tonight I sit here, tears streaming down my cheeks with no answers.

The deeper I sink the more I push away from others. I can't process how I feel, because I don't know why I feel it. I am not a failure. I work so hard, and I've accomplished so much. I'm not alone. So why am I so lonely? What is wrong with me? Everybody has a bad day. We've all had a bad week, but Jesus. This is gone way too far. What does it take to shake this emptiness?

I want a hug,  but I can't ask for one. If I go and hug someone,  inevitably they let go before it helps. I need to have the meltdown, but I can't. My anxiety is going crazy,  but not during the day. Oh no. My body knows I will not allow myself to fall apart. So what happens?  I have panic attacks on my sleep. I've had insomnia for the last 2 weeks,  and when I finally close my eyes I dream of my death. Night after night,  I lie awake wondering what I'll see when I close my eyes. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me is going to be OK. I need reassurance of some sort,  but it never comes, partly because I don't let anyone in deep enough to see this pain. It took a sweet tiny human noticing it for me to accept it for myself.

My emotions are shot. My body is physically hurting from the stress. My brain runs non stop. I feel like I'm drowning,  but my feet won't touch the bottom. I can see the winds of change on the horizon,  but are they good?  I'm not sure my poor tattered soul can handle another storm right now. I have never been a quitter though. I don't give up,  and when I've been hearing "this is what you get" for the past few years,  I just keep pushing. I cannot accept defeat. Lord give me strength for whatever is to come. As I've said before,  if I can survive the last 4 years unmedicated, I can survive anything. Please don't let me question myself. Help me remember that's is just a bad day,  and not a bad life. Mostly,  remind me that my journey isn't over,  and whether it be 10 miles an hour or an inch per day, I must keep going.