It's just a bad day

I finally had the meltdown. I've never documented a bad day for me.  I've talked about it afterwards,  but I've never fully explained what I felt leading up to a meltdown.

I am a bottler. I bottle my frustration and stress and irritations up. They're each one like a grain of sand. They flow into the vial one at a time. When it gets close to being full,  each grain is more pressure than it should be, and the final drop is monumentous. When it lands there's a split second,  a fraction in time,  where it appears it'll be OK. It's anything but. The glass begins to crack, and suddenly it just shatters.

I am the person you see walking around pretending to be fine. I push the bothers to the back of my mind and carry them like a ball and chain. None have to be categorized. Each stress is individual,  and possibly unrelated,  but all clumped together in the far corner. If you haven't noticed,  I'm also an avoider. I will avoid the frustration until I no longer can.

When I've had enough,  the emotions can't be silenced. As the sun goes down,  so goes my moral. I slip into despair, and tears flow uncontrollably. I sort through each and every grain of sadness,  anger,  stress, grief, etc. One by one,  I'm forced to deal with them until it's gone. As the last question in my mind is answered,  and the last overwhelming issue sorted through, I slip off to sleep.

The following morning is usually slow. As the sun comes up,  it lifts my spirits with it. A few hours of sunshine,  a cup of Joe, and an internal pep talk later,  the old me returns.

We all have bad days. We all deal with our problems differently. Sometimes I wish I could be that person that can sort them as they come. It's never been that easy for me. I've always let it build. It builds until it over flows, and then the pain runs out in the form of tears. It's just a bad day, and it will pass. I question myself and everything that is me. I wonder if I'm a failure. Am I good mother?  Well I ever have it all together?  The last of questions may or may not be rational,  which is where the pep talk comes in. I have to remind myself to see the path I've traveled. Looking up the mountain is overwhelming until you see how far you've come.

It's just a bad day. There will be others. There will be the days when I cannot see the big picture,  but focus solely on the details. I take them as they come, one day at a time. It's only a bad day. It's not a bad life.