It's all just an illusion

So, I hesitated to share the previous post.  Not because it wasn't cute or funny, but because it was very personal.  I know. I know.  I share some serious dirty laundry and throw some wicked shade, but some things are just sensitive and should be kept to ourselves.  I posted it anyways, because the fact that someone else needed to hear it trumped the previous comment.

That said, I think that suicide is a rampant disease.  It is affecting so many people. It's sad and very scary.  It's not just touching those who've been to war, or lost everything, or seriously down on their luck.  It's affecting our youth, our kids, and even those who seem to have everything we all secretly covet.  I really took a step back to understand why.  Wanna know my logic?  Social Media.  Yep, there it is. 

Social Media is making us crazy. 

It doesn't matter where we turn there's so much conflicting crap to shuffle thru.  One minute you're staring at a magazine with a curvy woman on the front claiming we should all embrace who we really are and love ourselves for just that.  Then, the magazine right next to it has a picture of someone with unrealistic beauty expectations claiming that natural beauty is the way to go.  It's confusing for the adults.  I can't imagine how insane it is for our kids. Natural beauty does not come with a makeup regimen that took you 3 hours to complete, no does it include plastic surgery or waist trainers.  Jesus, have you heard of diet and exercise?  That's natural. Moving on, cause that's another sermon for another day. 

Open up Facebook and I promise there are at least 4 of your friends on vacation somewhere wonderful, 3 who are married to what she claims is the man of everyone's dreams,  2 kids are being whisked away to an amazing college that would cost more than my mortgage, and there is at least one "mom of the year" who secretly drinks more wine than Carter has liver pills. 

The sad reality of this, is on social media I can show you just the life I want you to see.  Take a second and look at mine.  Well that's a bad example, because I know this to be true and thus don't publish anything that would give hints as to what my life is like.  Look at people tho.  Everyone is doing so wonderful. They all love their spouses, even the ones you know are shacking up with someone else.  Their kids are all so perfect, even the ones you hear screaming in the parking lot from the back of Target. Every relationship is built to last. Everyone's dreams are coming true.  Well hate to break it to you, but they aren't, and all scrolling through that crap is doing is making each and every one of us feel badly about ourselves , because we don't have that. 

We see the vacations to the Mediterranean, but we don't see the mountain of credit card debt. We see the amazing parties thrown for their kids, but we don't see that without those elaborate parties, no one would show up.  We see the brand new vehicle her husband purchased for her, but we don't see the reason behind that is, because he got caught cheating with the waitress at the Moose Lodge. We see that she bought him every new pair of Jordan's that hit the shelf , but we don't see that eviction papers were filed twice this year..   We see all these seemingly perfect lives, and we compare them to our own.  Wake up!  They're just like you and me.  The only difference is I'm not to proud to say I haven't been on vacation in over 5 years, because I can't afford it.  I'm not too proud to admit that so much of our Christmas presents are second hand and regifted.  I'm not too proud to admit that I'm human, and I don't have it all together.  I'm normal.  My daughter went to school today in an outfit she picked out. I watched her brush her hair.  I noticed that she changed, but she looked a little more homeless in the outfit she left in than the pajamas.  Did I say anything? No. She's 12. If she can't pick out an outfit by now, there's no help to be had.  Plus, I believe at some point you have to stop hovering and let them be themselves.  But, again I digress and that's for another day. 

The point here is this, we are not perfect.  What you see on Facebook, Instagram etc, is the side of life that they choose to show you.  You aren't getting the real picture.  Chances are, and we all have this one friend too, if they show us the whole picture, we unfollow them.  No one cares what you had for lunch unless you share the recipe. 

Stop comparing yourself to everyone out there.  We all have struggles you know nothing about.  We are all just hanging on by a thread and a cork in our favorite bottle.  Even the so called rich and famous have to offer a half price show now and then to avoid being homeless. 

Survive this life, because we don't deserve to live without you

The conversation today somehow lead to suicide, again.  More than once in the past few months someone very near and dear to me has shared that they didn't want to live anymore.  My heart breaks in my chest every time I think of something like that.  How could this epidemic be affecting so many people in our lives?  I am convinced I know the reason, but that's for another time.  What I want to share with those that have, are or could possibly consider leaving this world before their time is this.  I want to ask a simple question.

What happens when you close your eyes in death? You believe in a heaven. You believe in a hell. So you know which one that path leads you to?

My job iss not to share what I believe,  but bring light to the questions they we all must answer within ourselves. I will also share an account of  a family whom I knew very well.

Many years ago, a couple met. They fell madly in love and planned to be married. He was from the States, and she was from Canada. The deal was they would start their family in Canada,  but eventually move to Texas. She agreed hoping he would never follow thru, but some years later he did. She fought the move, but eventually conceded. Upon their arrival,  her misery began. She refused to give it a chance,  and the tension between them grew. For months she explained in great detail to her husband how much she hated what he had done to them,  until one day he couldn't bear it any longer. He genuinely believed he had hurt the love of his life. He took a few days off work. He spent the time with his family. He held her like he hadn't in years. He told her all the wonderful things he loved about her. He cleaned the house,  put all of his things in order,  and made sure every detail was covered. They fell in love all over again that week. It was a Tuesday night that he left. He kissed her good bye, a kiss she had never felt before. The gut wrenching feeling she had wouldn't go away. He would never return. He went to church,  made peace within himself, and left. Everyone around him could feel something was off, but no one would've imagined what was to come. He went to the store,  bought a gun, and drove to a remote place on the highway. He left the car on the side of the road,  so it would be found. He carried his license in his hand for identification purposes. He walked down far enough that his body wouldn't be found by a passerby. There's no way of knowing exactly what went thru his mind,  but it was here he took his life.

When the police arrived to give the news,  his wife crumbled to the floor in disbelief,  begging for it not to be true. She lay there writhing in pain for what seemed to be an eternity. I can't imagine the guilt and grief she bore that night. His family all suffered a tremendous loss. His daughters lost a father. His wife lost a husband,  mother, her son, father,  his son,  brother lost brother, and friends lost a friend.

They say suicide is the cowards way out,  but I'm not completely sold on that. If you aren't sure what happens when you close your eyes in death,  that had to be an incredibly hard decision. To be faced with feeling like this life is too much to continue is overwhelming to say the least. What I am certain of is that suicide is not the end. It is merely the beginning. The chain reaction it sets off is the last set of circumstances anyone wants to endure.

As a parent, if I believed my child would close their eyes and heaven greet them,  I could be at peace with the decision. But to wonder every day if it did, or if they were suffering the depths of hell would be the hell I'd live forever. It would break me. Their father would break. Their mother would break. Their siblings would never understand. Grandparents would shatter. Every life touched would be impacted. Every single one of those people would wonder what they could've done to save , to help, to love them more.

The first time I shared this story, I saw the empathy in those eyes staring back at me as I described the events I had watched unfold. Simply explaining how hard life is wasn't going to get thru. Explaining how to see the beauty in the world would never make a dent. But sharing the aftermath of a real life taken far too soon from this world hit a nerve.

I don't make pleas very often,  but I will ask this just as I did this person.

If you love the people around you,  survive this life. Survive for them. Keep going for them. They don't deserve to live without you. Survive. Take one day at a time. One hour,  one minute,  one moment at a time and survive it. If you feel the burden of this world crashing down on your shoulders,  imagine your spouse, your mother,  your daughter like a fish out of water thrashing around on the floor begging for you not to be gone, and survive that moment. Call and tell them you love them instead. You can do this. If not for yourself,  do it for them. Let them help you survive. We need you here. We need you not to break us. We need you to survive. And we will do anything to help you.  We will take the time out of our day to sit with you, to hug you, to hold you and point out every wonderful thing that's worth surviving.  We don't want you to miss a single moment the good Lord has planned for you. 

I would give nearly anything to take the pain away,  but I can't. Instead I offer my unrelenting support. I give my time,  my prayers and my love. I will hold your hand and survive with you. Life is hard. For some its harder, but there is beauty in this life. Let us help you find it.

I will not promise that it gets better anytime soon. I will not say that you won't have days when all the wonderful things worth living for won't seem like you are what's in the way of them being great.  But I will promise you this, you are worth it. I can promise that if you call me, I will answer.  I will share a funny joke with you. I will lay under a blanket of stars and drift off with you, and should you choose not to survive, I will miss you dearly.  I chose to survive, because I didn't want to miss out even if it hurt. 

Survive this life, because we need you.   

Just a normal day

So, it's no secret that we lead a chaotic life.  The only thing normal about us is the abnormal.  I was comforted the other day as I read another mom's blog post about her son's sock catching fire on the ceiling fan as her daughter cuddled a dead squirrel.  Sounds familiar!! I laughed and took comfort knowing there were other's just as cursed as me. 


It's nothing for a pile of poop to be found on the patio....could be the toddler's, could be the dog's.  Depends on who's been out lately, cause let's face it.  The toddler waits till the last minute to go, and sometimes he just doesn't feel like going in.  And, the dog, well, he's not a big fan of wet grass. 


I'm the only person I know that has had every single appliance replaced in every home I've lived.  Why? Well they just all die.  This past year my home has flooded three times. The washing machine drain overflowed, midday thankfully.  The dishwasher busted a pipe and died, and then the moderately new water heater cracked from top to bottom in the middle of the night.  Thank God for concrete floors. 


Got a vehicle a few years back.  Said I'd drive it till the wheels fell off.  Tire rods broke about a month later.  Bought a jeep.  Rear seal broke a month later.  Bought a Navigator.  Fuel pump went out on a holiday weekend while we were out of town. 


I'm no stranger to a down turn of events.  I come to expect it. 


All that said,  I was going through the massive stack of doctor bills that have poured into our house this year, and I noticed a disturbing trend.  Now I'm not one to be too superstitious, but when I foresee something, I may or may not panic a little. 


The end of spring was the beginning of the spiral.  First up to bat was said toddler above, who decided to play on the couch and fell on the only Lego on the floor.  Slight concussion, and a huge bruise later..... Round two went to my oldest who spent the weekend in the hospital.  One of the most expensive stays I've ever seen.  Third up was my oldest son.  He landed wrong on the trampoline and broke his foot.  I thought we'd had enough, and I let out a sigh of relief that summer was over a day too soon. The universe saw I wasn't completely broken, and my daughter almost ripped a finger off on the swing.  Through all of this there was one child missing.  My 5 year old hadn't had a thing happen.  I mean he's a kid, so he has his normal share of bruises from day to day horse play, but nothing major.  I wasn't sure if I should be grateful,  beg for mercy, or start saving.  Either way I found myself nearly having a meltdown. 


What's next? A house fire? We've got renter's insurance. Not gonna be that lucky.  A car crash. Nah, I've got vacation time still.  Whatever it is, I'm just gonna go with it.  Maybe swear a little in the moment, and then laugh about it later.  It's just another normal day in our lives. 

Lord have mercy on me

There are a few things I've realized lately that I feel should be shared.


First off,  when you speak in anger, it'll bite you.  If you swear you'll never do something when you're mad, you will eat those words. Shut up. Sit down. Think it over. Repeat if necessary.


Second,  When you say "when I have kids, they'll never do that."  Rest assured. The universe will accept that challenge. Your child will do that and much worse. I promise.


If you want that sweet toddler to talk, just swear.  No other words necessary. It's inherent to their nature to repeat the things they shouldn't.  Drop an F bomb. He'll be chatting your ear off in no time flat. 


If your children don't spend enough time with you, or your spouse for that matter,  just take your phone to the bathroom.  Even the dog will suddenly need you.


Even better than that, if your child gets lost in the store, just go to the nearest dressing room and remove your pants.  They'll barge in just as the jeans pass the knees.  This too is in their DNA.


Lastly, if you ridicule another parent for an action of their child, yours will accept the challenge and repeat said action.  Thus bringing me to my conclusion. 


I am so very sorry to every person I laughed at when their child defecated in the yard. Once of my best friends, my old boss, and countless others have shared with me their stories, and I swore mine would never!!  Well, I am sorry, deeply remorseful, because he has.   He didn't just do it once. This boy has pooped in the pool, a friends pool, her yard, my carport, the deck, the yard, and well you get the idea.


Lord, give me the strength for the years to come. It appears I have penance to make.  In addition to pooping on demand, he also loves the freedom of not having clothing.  We tend to keep to ourselves, but the day I met the neighbors was because he streaked out of the backyard with us.  I recall the man next door chuckling in his yard, and I thought nothing of it.  The neighbor on the other side just shook his head and went inside. We had been carrying limbs from the back yard to the front, and apparently he decided his clothing was restricting his movements.  It was as I saw the little old lady across the street laughing in shock and the family next door to her in horror that I noticed the little white streak buzzing about the yard.  He had removed his attire and strutted to the sidewalk in his natural glory.  I blinked, and he was naked. 


I've always known children would take you to the your breaking point.  This one may be the death of me.  Y'all pray for me.  I'm still trying to remember all the things I've laughed about, but I'm certain he will remind me soon enough.  Don't worry.  I'll share.  We're all in this together right?

Procreation should require an aptitude test

I have said for so long that procreation should require an aptitude test.  It's true.  My God it's true.  Some people just aren't cut out to take care of tiny humans.  I understand that the world has changed, but people have also lost the ability to be responsible.  When on this earth did it become the norm to give children a say in how they are raised? Think about that for a minute....

When we were kids, do you remember your parents ever asking you who you wanted to keep you during the summer? Which camp you went to? What would you like for dinner?  I don't.  We didn't get a say.  We didn't have options for sitters.  It was this is who's keeping you, and that's it.  Eat it or starve.  Fat camp for you!! Bed time wasn't optional. 

These days everyone has their opinion, and kids have figured out how to manipulate adults.  They realized that broken homes come with a weak link.  They discover very quickly who will fold, and they will call your bluff every single time.  But I digress.  That wasn't the point of this post. 

The point was that I've been witnessing a family let their child rule, and it kills me.  I hear this kid talk about how their parents go to bed, but if they're good they get to stay up and watch movies.  They didn't feel like taking a bath this week, so they just didn't.  They wanted a certain meal so momma dropped all and went out for it.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!????

Now let me clarify. There are nights when my kids will watch a movie to go to sleep.  These are special occasions, and they do not under any circumstances roam the house.  There are times when I make a special meal upon request, but I will be damned if I'm going to drop what I'm doing to go pick up chicken nuggets, because my toddler is pitching a fit.  You'll eat when you get hungry!  And for a kid to tell me I don't drink water.  I want a coke.  Well you know what? I want alot of things in this life, but I don't get them all.  Hell, I want a beach house on a private island and my own personal yahct, but it hasn't happened yet.  And for a kid to threaten me? Oh that's not gonna happen, but I hear these kids tell their parents If you don't do this, I'm not doing this.... That's not how that works!

Smarten up people! These kids are the future, and you're teaching them that the world revolves around them.  That's going to be one heck of a reality check when life kicks them in the keester the first time.  I promise, that first step off the high horse, is gonna hurt.  The world will do you no favors.  Life is not free, and society doesn't cater to them.

The Aftermath

When it comes to breaking up, we've all heard the stats, the quotes, things to live by etc. We know. You can't be friends with someone you loved. You either never did or still do. I think what this leaves out is the .0001 percent of the population who are extremely self aware and know what is best for them. It also doesn't account for the kind of love you shared.

We broke off our engagement. We separated households and went separate ways. We were both a bit bitter and filled with regrets. It took a couple weeks for me to see that I don't have space in my life or heart for the hatred. I needed to process. I know the split was needed, inevitable and neither of us could take more blame than the other. We were both guilty. Not many people are willing to invite their ex over to hash out the hatred, but I did. I will not allow myself to be consumed, nor will I let pride conceal my true feelings.

It took 5 minutes conversation for the weight to fall off of both of us. We could honestly say that we love each other, but we were not good for one another. We were a never ending ball of stress and tension. It affected our friends, children, work, habits, everything. We were the miserable couple that put on a good show. We were hot or cold. Nothing in between. Towards the end, every thing was forced. We both had to find a way to relax just to come home, but it was instant stress when we got there. We had to force ourselves to spend time together. There was no affection or true intimacy. We were just going thru the motions.

We weren't good for one another. That doesn't mean I don't love him. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It just means we don't love us.

For some the baggage they carry from past mistakes is more than can be overcome. The relationship itself became our tomb. The title built the foundation for ownership. Moving in together and sharing responsibilities became the walls in which surrounded us, and the ring was the lid. The final piece of that cage was the judge telling us we had to be married within 6 months. That was the lock.  We panicked. We started beating harder against the walls until finally we broke free. That freedom comes with a cost, but its freedom none the less.

Truth is, I don't enjoy sharing my space. I have my quirks, and at some point I become controlling. The cycle just continues until we have a wedge so huge between us, no bridge can  connect it. I'm also at the point in my life that I see that my kids need my focus more than anything. He sees that same need in his life. The tension we created was felt by all who entered our home. The first time my kids came home they were completely different humans. They weren't stressed at all. I can only imagine how his son was.

It isn't normal for people to see two people go from engaged, living together, working towards marriage and just be friends. I have to believe we are the exception. We are capable of laughing, talking, asking advice. We parted ways, and the day will come when we both meet someone new, and that's OK. I'm not ready to move on right now, but I want what's best for us. "Us" doesn't work the way it was. We  can't just erase the past two years, but we can learn from it. We can choose to be better because of it. He is one of my best friends. He knows more about me then any other human on this planet. That doesn't just disappear.

I've been called a shitty person, insecure, stupid and desperate for continuing to even speak to him. Referred to as a band aid that just needs to be ripped off and thrown away.  The past is exactly that. It's the past. We  helped each other discover who we are, who we want to be, and that I'll never apologize for. We aren't trying again.. We aren't starting over. We are choosing the relationship we should have stuck with. I won't be hateful because it's considered normal. This life has enough hate.  I choose to love, forgive and grow.

A Collective Failure

I've said too many times to count that I am not the one to offer Relationship advice, because I have yet to have a successful one. Yet, here I am again starting over. I have no idea how many fresh starts a person is supposed to get, but if it's anything like a cat having nine lives, clearly I'm meant to use them all.

It's easy during a breakup for a couple to blame each other. She did this, he did that etc. Truth is you both failed. In my own relationship, I can honestly say as much as he failed me, I also failed him. When a couple stops being a team, they begin to be competition. If you're not building each other up, you're tearing one another down. We stopped being a team somewhere along the way. It wasn't all at once. It was one tiny instance at a time. We stopped communicating. We stopped trusting. We stopped confiding. We stopped apologizing. We stopped persueing each other. We stopped believing in each other. We stopped holding one another accountable. We stopped putting Christ first. We stopped respecting each other. So when I say we failed. WE FAILED. It wasn't him. It wasn't me. It was us. 

In the last days, weeks, months I didn't realize how unhappy we'd become. I felt guilty that with  him driving away I breathed a sigh of relief. I have never felt that really, but I was glad it was over. Please do not mistake, I love him. I still do, but I was no longer in love with him. There's a huge difference. I didn't see how, for lack of a better word, emotionally constipated we had become. It wasn't until an old friend came to visit that it became clear. He pulled me in for a hug, and granted he's just a natural hugger, but I felt love in that embrace. That was a gifted embrace. I didn't have to ask for it. It wasn't forced, and I fell apart. I've been so lonely. I wondered if he felt the same way.

I went thru my phone looking for a certain picture, and I found myself going thru the last two years of pictures. Every single one was a memory of a quarrel. I was reminded of every fight we had. We bickered about money that day. The kids would not stop fighting. That was the day he threw a suitcase at me. He was drunk that day by lunch. That was the night I punched him. The list went on and on, but all it did was make me sad. Every beautiful smile and good day was overshadowed by an ugly word, some I spoke and others from him.

The words that were shouted on our final evening will never be forgotten. They will be difficult to forgive. Most importantly, they say more about the person who spoke them. I won't share what they were, because it wouldn't do any good at this point. After all, I didn't set out to air the dirty laundry. Our relationship has had many omens from the very beginning, but neither of us paid attention. They say love is blind. Its true. I didn't see until the very end. We both wore masks. Over time they fell off, and who we were couldn't be hidden.

Moving forward, I make a promise to myself not to filter. I will not be less myself in hopes that someone can love me. I will not run from love. I will not become bitter. I will try again....not anytime soon, but eventually. I will resist the urge to be petty. I will not ignore the warning signs. I will not allow myself to get lost along the way again. I will not become that monster who yells and complains all the time. I will stay true to myself. I will put the god lord above all, family behind him, and we will succeed.

This is my fresh start, and without knowing how many more I have, I must be careful. I will make the most of it and love my babies and take care of us first. I wish him all the best. I hope this life gives him the peace he searches for. I pray that happiness someday finds him. I wish we could've found all that together, but we were toxic for one another. We brought out the worst in each other. So today, I start again. Lord, guide my steps, take my hand, and lead me to you.

Coach, it's supposed to be team building, not humiliating

I attended a softball game last week, and without a doubt it was the worst game I've ever watched. Ever. And I've watched an over abundance of softball games. By the time it was over I was horrified, irritated, over emotional, just exhausted from all the feelings, and I am compelled to share.

When we sign our children up for sports, what's the reason? Team building, learning to play well with others, a new experience, exercise etc right? Well I have long believed team sports were more about learning to win with grace and lose with pride, but most importantly to have fun. If it's not fun, it's work.

The teams took the field, and it was evident right away who would win the game. Fine and good. One side had 5 coaches where the other had 1 who only left the duggout for 5 minutes. The stands were filled with our team's parents and only a couple from the opposing side. Again fine and good. The first team struck out with 4 batters, and we swapped. When the umpire stepped up to assist in showing the pitcher how to throw the ball, it was evident she'd never played before. Of course this is when you would hope the coach would've told them to take it easy. Did they? No.

No, they didn't take it easy. We would spend the next hour playing the bottom of the first inning. An hour!! Of course, we went thru the line up at least 3 times. I stopped keeping score, but what I did pay attention to was the fact that our coaches were still leading the team in Cheers even after several runs came in. Our coaches were continuing to encourage stealing bases. Why? I wasn't the only parent embarrassed by the lack of class. 

When a team that doesn't have much guidance, very little funding, and even less involvement from parents takes the well groomed field in front of enthusiastic families and an overzealous opposing team with multiple coaches, it's intimidating to say the least, but when they add insult to injury and cheer while  said team makes errors and fumbles thru every play, it's humiliating. Win or lose, they came to play the game, and we had the opportunity to teach them how, but we didn't. The only thing they learned that afternoon was how to quit.

I watched the pitcher wipe tears from her cheeks hoping no one noticed as she tossed what had to have been at least the hundredth ball  towards home plate.  My heart ached as an outfielder in middle school became so disheartened that she sat down in the grass. When all eyes turned to our coaches for mercy, none was shown. The cheering eventually stopped, but we stole every base we could. We continued to walk player after player when the pitcher got so tired she couldn't even get the ball across the plate in the air. Still no mercy.

Several parents asked each other, "why doesn't the coach just tell them to swing? If they connect great. If not, then they at least will get an out or two and the chance at coming into the second inning!"

There were four teammates that never even touched the grass, because they were subs in the game scheduled to come out in the second inning, my daughter included. Four girls went home disappointed that they dressed to play, but never got to.

The other team left the field with so much haste,  while our girls went sliding into home plate, because they didn't get dirty during the game.  That wasn't the worst part.

We are talking about an inner city school. Those girls already don't have all the opportunities or privileges the others did. It was as if we told them "We are better." We aren't better. We certainly weren't that day. That day, I was ashamed. I was ashamed that the people in charge of teaching our girls to play were more concerned about winning and the number on the score board than the pride of others. They were more concerned about racking up points than playing a game. It wasn't fun that day. It was any fun for the people in the stands. It didn't appear any fun for the girls who didn't get to play, and it certainly wasn't fun for the other team.

We should have more class and tact than that. Our children should be taught that humiliating someone just because you can, doesn't make it right. Winning for personal gain, isn't winning. We were going to score more points that day, no matter what we did, but we had the opportunity to help a struggling team get better. We didn't take it. We made a struggling team struggle for an hour and fifteen minutes. We made them wonder why they even showed up. And we laughed and cheered for the better half of it.

Coach,  if you don't have grace and humility to teach the team, you're not qualified. All the talent in the world can't make up for lack of sportsmanship. You have the chance to teach these girls, not just about softball, but life. Teach them to lend a hand rather than an iron fist.
Sincerely,  the mom you disappointed when you failed to show class and chose domination instead. 

By the way, I'll pray for you.

It's time to be you again

I've mentioned many times about my struggle with anxiety. The struggle is real. While anxiety is very much a monster with many masks, some of us experience different forms in different situations. The situations also trigger a different response. I don't write this to highlight the disease, but to share the doorway to the light. I'm not out of the trenches, but I think I've found a rescue, and it's one I feel compelled to share.

Anxiety has plagued me for years now. I've had panic attacks in grocery stores, dentist chairs, even at home when there's nothing to be afraid of. I've been prescribed many different prescriptions and none seem to solve the problem fully. Some have helped, but I can't live my life medicated constantly. It's really not living if you are numb to the world around you, or if you miss a dose or two you become this emotional train wreck. That's not living. That's masking the problem.

A few weeks ago, I was discussing what was going on with a dear friend. There had been a few new developments with me, and I was really just venting. She shared with me that she had been introduced to essential oils, and there was a combination of oils called "liquid xanax" that had practically changed her life. (Now mind you I mentioned in my last post that more than half of Americans were taking some form of mood altering medications.) She had been able to cut her prescriptions in half and was actually being weaned off of them by her doctor!

This wasn't the only miracle she had up her sleeve. She worked in a play school for toddlers a couple days a week and managed to get every one of them to take a nap without fighting. Another oil. She helped a friend clear up her family's allergies. Another oil.

I'll be honest, at first all I could think was "ugh, another at home sales person peddling their crap from their pyramid scheme." That wasn't the case. She genuinely wanted to help me. Better yet, they actually worked.

I know there are others suffering. I'm not selling anything. But I am telling you this, if you want a cure from the numbing agents, I know someone who can help. Just imagine a day when you weren't thinking about having to take the pills, or the weight gain that inevitably comes with them, the horrible side effects, etc. What if it were possible to truly be normal again?

If you want to check it out, go check it out. You can look on the young living website  and read all about it. Now mind you, you're going to see it and think "oh yes! I saw that at the store last week!" No you didn't. You saw a watered down version that's not as great. Go look at what she's got. Read the reviews. And if you decide to give it a shot, you can thank me afterwards. Tell her I sent you.   Her sales # is 11078700. You won't be disappointed. You'll be free again. You'll be you again.

The silence of suffering

We've all heard the saying "we suffer in silence." Why? Why is it that we don't reach out? Why don't we seek help? Or better yet, what takes so long to seek that help when we do?

Is it that we are ashamed? Frightened? Worried we will become a burden? Belittled? Yes. It's all of those. We don't reach out, because somewhere someone made us feel as if it were not OK. And so we suffer.

We hide the pain. We mask the depression.  We struggle through the anxiety as best we can. We retreat from the people we love.  We shed silent tears in the showers. We attempt to cover the postpartum depression. We cover up the nervous breakdown. We tuck in PTSD as best we can. We create the closet of skeletons, and we suffer. Alone.

We do this for so many reasons. We are ashamed. We are too proud. After all what will people think? We are hurt. Maybe we've reached out so many times it feels redundant. Or we've reached out and no one helped. We are insecure.  Somehow we've come to believe we aren't worth the trouble. We are alone.  Maybe there just isn't anyone to care. Whatever the reason, we shut out our love ones. Lie to our friends. Miss out families.  We resort to solitude.

Did you know roughly 60% of Americans are taking some form of mood altering medication? That means that  of 5 people closest to you, at least 3 are struggling. We have to stop this cycle. I don't know how to cure anxiety and depression or anything else on the medical spectrum, but I do know this. If we didn't wait to reach out, if we didn't hide our feelings and let them build, that percentage would drop drastically. Better yet, if we stopped shaming mothers for being down, comforted the friend in a rough spot, offered to help the person with financial difficulty work out a budget, took an extra second to choose our tone  with our spouse, didn't belittle those who need us, and didn't give the impression we were being inconvenienced by another human, I think we'd see a difference in the world.

The good lord said "love your neighbor." He didn't say only if you have the time, or if they're to your standards. He said  "love them."

I too am suffering. I too am ashamed. I'm petrified of being a  disappointment, of hurting my family, and making mistakes.  I have heard more times than I can count to "grow up", "suck it up", "get over it". Sometimes it's not that simple. Sometimes, we need that person to talk to. We all could use a little more understanding.  Pay attention to the people in your life. We all have or demons, but we don't have to suffer in silence.

If you are unhappy, I urge you to say something. If you are lonely, call a friend. If you're worried you don't have a friend, call me. I'll be your friend. If you need a counselor, I know a great one. If you need someone to pray with you, I will. If you're worried the Lord doesn't hear my prayers, I'll point you to someone whom I know he does hear.  If your children are driving you mad, I will babysit. If you need a night out, take one. If you need a drink, I'll pour. Please don't suffer alone. This world needs you. We need the best you that you can be.