I've said too many times to count that I am not the one to offer Relationship advice, because I have yet to have a successful one. Yet, here I am again starting over. I have no idea how many fresh starts a person is supposed to get, but if it's anything like a cat having nine lives, clearly I'm meant to use them all.
It's easy during a breakup for a couple to blame each other. She did this, he did that etc. Truth is you both failed. In my own relationship, I can honestly say as much as he failed me, I also failed him. When a couple stops being a team, they begin to be competition. If you're not building each other up, you're tearing one another down. We stopped being a team somewhere along the way. It wasn't all at once. It was one tiny instance at a time. We stopped communicating. We stopped trusting. We stopped confiding. We stopped apologizing. We stopped persueing each other. We stopped believing in each other. We stopped holding one another accountable. We stopped putting Christ first. We stopped respecting each other. So when I say we failed. WE FAILED. It wasn't him. It wasn't me. It was us.
In the last days, weeks, months I didn't realize how unhappy we'd become. I felt guilty that with him driving away I breathed a sigh of relief. I have never felt that really, but I was glad it was over. Please do not mistake, I love him. I still do, but I was no longer in love with him. There's a huge difference. I didn't see how, for lack of a better word, emotionally constipated we had become. It wasn't until an old friend came to visit that it became clear. He pulled me in for a hug, and granted he's just a natural hugger, but I felt love in that embrace. That was a gifted embrace. I didn't have to ask for it. It wasn't forced, and I fell apart. I've been so lonely. I wondered if he felt the same way.
I went thru my phone looking for a certain picture, and I found myself going thru the last two years of pictures. Every single one was a memory of a quarrel. I was reminded of every fight we had. We bickered about money that day. The kids would not stop fighting. That was the day he threw a suitcase at me. He was drunk that day by lunch. That was the night I punched him. The list went on and on, but all it did was make me sad. Every beautiful smile and good day was overshadowed by an ugly word, some I spoke and others from him.
The words that were shouted on our final evening will never be forgotten. They will be difficult to forgive. Most importantly, they say more about the person who spoke them. I won't share what they were, because it wouldn't do any good at this point. After all, I didn't set out to air the dirty laundry. Our relationship has had many omens from the very beginning, but neither of us paid attention. They say love is blind. Its true. I didn't see until the very end. We both wore masks. Over time they fell off, and who we were couldn't be hidden.
Moving forward, I make a promise to myself not to filter. I will not be less myself in hopes that someone can love me. I will not run from love. I will not become bitter. I will try again....not anytime soon, but eventually. I will resist the urge to be petty. I will not ignore the warning signs. I will not allow myself to get lost along the way again. I will not become that monster who yells and complains all the time. I will stay true to myself. I will put the god lord above all, family behind him, and we will succeed.
This is my fresh start, and without knowing how many more I have, I must be careful. I will make the most of it and love my babies and take care of us first. I wish him all the best. I hope this life gives him the peace he searches for. I pray that happiness someday finds him. I wish we could've found all that together, but we were toxic for one another. We brought out the worst in each other. So today, I start again. Lord, guide my steps, take my hand, and lead me to you.
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