Enough

Enough. I am enough. I am good enough. I've seen enough. I've heard enough.  I've had enough. It's enough.

I preach daily about the life lessons that have been so cruel and yet taught me so much.  Looking back they are each a blessing in disguise.  They say when one door closes, a window opens. This is true....although in my case that window may be on the third floor somewhere.

It's nearly comical to me how people will sit back and judge your life on what they think it should be.  I may judge you for the choice in pants you put on in the morning to go to Wal-Mart, but I will never criticize where you are in life.  We all have our battles.  They each lead us down our own path, so unless you're on the exact same path as me, because you've made all the same choices, how is it your place to say where I should be? And if you are, then you wouldn't be looking at me funny, because you've failed just as much!  

I have started over several times in my adult life. I have failed miserable, picked myself up out of the ashes, built a whole new life and burned it down again.  Sometimes you have to strike that match.  Burning that bridge isn't always a bad thing. It's all a part of finding yourself, your happiness.  This life is far too short to be anything but happy.  I have an obsession for pinterest, and I have read so many inspirational quotes that talk about being happy, leaving that miserable job, selling everything you own and roaming free around the world.  Well, I'm not about to sell off everything I own to roam the countryside, because after all, I like to eat, and my cave man skills are less than sub par. But, recently I have come to understand first hand that if you have to dread 9 hours out of your day, you are not where you need to be.  For me, it took too long to see this. A mistake, I never intend to make again. If it's not adding to my joy, then it's taking away from it, and you'll see me walking away. 

I have been given the opportunity to follow my dreams, and I will do nothing less than just that. It took several days of soul searching.  A few tears were shed, not many but a few.  A celebration took place.  So much stress was born. And then suddenly the light bulb came on.  This is what I've wanted! This is the answer I've been looking for.  Of course I chuckled and thought haha, found the ladder to the third floor. But truth,  sometimes you have to take that leap, in my case a violent shove off the roof, and build your wings on the way down.  (yes, I read that somewhere on pinterest)

Thus why I am enough.  I believe in myself.  I may be crazy, but I am crazy enough to believe that I will make it.  I'm not sure where "it" is, but I'm on my way.  I am strong enough to succeed.  I am smart enough to walk away from the things that no longer serve me.  I am wise enough to see through the people that smile to my face, but wouldn't even whistle if I were about to be hit by a car.  I am polite enough not to call them out on this bullshit.  I am beautiful enough to bring light to this dark world, even if it's just a smile to a stranger.  I am young enough to start over every time I see the need.  I am old enough to know the difference between starting over and failing. I'm brave enough to know where I want to be, and will to do whatever it takes to get there. I am strong enough to carry myself.  But most of all, I am crazy enough to believe that dreams come true. 

We get the answers to our prayers in some of the most unimaginable ways at times, but they're answers none the less. The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train sometimes, but if you truly listen to your heart, follow you passion, and never give up, someday, it could lead you to Narnia. You've got to hit a few bumps in the road.  You have to lose it all to value what you've got, but oh the sweet reward.

Hateful Love

Have you ever had those moments when you just want to strangle your kids? Or maybe just stop in the middle of heavy traffic and kick them to the curb? Life is hard. The world is cruel. Good Luck!!  You'd be lying, and we all know it if you said no.  At least once in every parent's life, their child's actions has driven them to a thought they're ashamed to admit aloud.  Most of us would never carry out these actions.  I would NEVER in a million years drop my child off at a busy intersection, barefoot with no sense of direction, 10 miles  from home....but that doesn't mean it didn't cross my mind as she screamed the words I hate you!!!!  I was frozen.  The only thing I could say to her was how much I loved her, and how I would always love her no matter what.  When later that evening she described in vivid detail how if I died in a car crash she wouldn't care, I kept telling her I loved her.  Through tears, extreme nausea and immense emotional pain, I still loved that kid.  Even when she raised her fist at me....that was the worst thought I'd had yet, but I still loved her.  I wasn't afraid of her hitting me.  I feared my reaction.  I had never been in that position, and I certainly didn't want to experience it that night.  Tensions were all together too high, and there was no telling what would happen. 

Thankfully, I managed to deescalate the situation peacefully and with no violence.  I was able to show her through a few simple actions that I loved her no matter what was going through her mind.  It was in these moments I realized more than ever, she was her mother's daughter.  That was the scariest of all things, but it helped me to understand how to get through to her.  You can take every material possesion in this world away, but that won't change her.  You can beat her.  You can yell at her.  You could do every negative form of discipline there is, and it would only fuel her fire.  I know this first hand.  I don't respond to negativity.  I'm like George Bush.  I don't negotiate with terrorists. But, if you come at me with love, patience, understanding, and an explanation,  there's a strong possibility that I will turn it around.  That's exactly what I gave her that night, and each day I've seen her since.  I held that girl so tight, and I told her how much it hurt my heart to hear those words, but I'd always love her.  I did this as she screamed at me.  I'm certain the neighbors heard the whole shebang, and I didn't care.  I was determined to break through. 

A breakthrough was exactly what happened, but I didn't realize it until 3 days later.  As I swung by the house for a second, I was greeted at the door with the sweetest, most precious little girl.  She was beaming with excitment to see me, and it was then I realized how much I had missed that kid.  My heart was so overwhelmed with emotions, I burst into tears.  I held that girl so tight! I didn't want to let go.  She had been so angry over the past few years., especially the past few months.  Children will ask for love in the most hateful ways, and that had become evident.  She was simply demanding my attention.  It was crystal clear she just needed to know that I was there- that I loved her no matter what.  I was bursting at the seams all afternoon, dying to get home to hang out with those tiny humans. 

It's been 3 weeks now, and it seems the new direction I am taking is effective.  I have no disillusions here.  I know there will be more times ahead of hatred and unrest, but for the moment, I have that adorable little girl back that I have missed so much.  I have seen her face week after week for 3 years, and yet on that Wednesday afternoon, I saw the real her again.  I will cherish every moment I get with her.  And in the times when I become stupid to her, and she decides to hate me again, I will love her.  I will show her how much I love her.  I may consider spraying her down with a cold water hose, but I will love her still. 

The not so single, single parent

The thought occurred to me yesterday that I am not a single parent.  I'm a parent.  I am a single woman, but that doesn't make me a single parent. In fact, there hasn't been a moment in the last 10 years that I've parented alone.  My children have a support system made up of some amazing people, a few assholes, and a network of family.  Their family doesn't have to be DNA related, in my book.  Family is made of the people who've got your back. They're your ride or die, your best friends, and the folks who will be there for you, no questions asked....sometimes with a 6 pack and bail money.

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard someone ask how I do it there would be a lot less worry about the upcoming bills. I'd probably be set for life.  I admit it, having 4 kids isn't easy.  But, I also didn't acquire them over night.  I know people who've adopted multiple children, and God bless them. It isn't easy.  Some days it's down right exhausting. No matter how many children you have, they're still not the most manageable humans.  Sometimes just getting to the car takes longer than the errand itself. Cringe worthy moments happen every single day. The last cookie is usually eaten by mom in the closet in one bite with no crumbs to spare.  Other times,  your best friend eats it right in front of them leaving you to explain why they can't have one.  Only someone with really thick friend genes would survive this of course.

Over the last decade, I have done much of the parenting on my own.  That is not to discredit anyone that has lent a hand through the years, but I can't remember the last time I was able to go grocery shopping alone.  That just doesn't happen.  We load up and terrorize the store- all 5 of us. There aren't an over abundance of options for last minute child care when your family lives hundreds of miles away.  You just tend to figure it out.  That said, I'm still not alone.  I have a running list of people on speed dial for little emergencies.  

Just last week I arrived at our custody exchange only to notice I had 2% battery life, no phone charger and no car seat.  Awesome! And that came with an eye roll and a loud "ugh." I sent 3 text messages before my phone died and then just sat and waited on one of them to appear.  Amazingly enough, I wasn't worried.  I know my support system, and you can believe that before I used the last ounce of battery life, I chose the top 3 most dependable peeps.  The angel that appeared drove 45 minutes from where she was to my house, got the seat and drove another 45 minutes to me.  No questions asked.  If that isn't a support system, I don't know what is.  I think the saddest part of this encounter was that my ex was sitting there watching the entire time...with a carseat in the back of his vehicle.  And yes, the eye roll was right behind that sentence as well.  

My ex had the audacity to criticize my "single parenting" a day or so after this.  All I could think was wow! Had you attempted to coparent the way you're always preaching about, that would've been a simple exchange. Here's the baby, and here's his seat. What was a going to do? Steal the seat?  I have 2 extras, thanks.  Instead, he parked directly behind me and videoed me while waiting.  Why? Your guess is as good as mine.  To make me uncomfortable perhaps? Maybe, I don't know.  

The moral of the story here, is I don't parent alone.  He's a parent.  His parents are involved.  I'm certain they spend more time with our kids than he does.  My friends, my family, if he had any friends, his family...we're all a part of these kids lives.  How is that parenting alone?  They say it takes a village to raise a child.  That's absolutely correct.  My youngest son doesn't have his dad in his life, but that won't stop him from having strong male figures involved.  I can't take the place of his father.  I don't have the mentality nor the equipment, but he won't suffer. We as parents are never alone. We may not have the largest network, and last minute drop offs may not be easy, but we are not in this alone.  Look around you.  Do you see the system in place.  I do.  I am so grateful for each person that has stood beside me, holding my hand, drying my tears, loving me and my children, just like family. 

I'm fine

I'm fine.  This is probably one of the most common phrases in the English language, and yet everyone knows that 99% of the time, when it crosses the lips, it's a lie.  It's easier to appear fine, when in reality we aren't.  The act of being passive means dealing with the problem later.  We attempt to self soothe. I, myself, am entirely guilty of this deception.  I would rather suffer in silence than bare my soul.  The truth is, I am not fine.  I am hurt. I'm angry. I'm disappointed, suffering in anguish. I am many things, but fine isn't one of them. 

I heard a phrase a few years ago, and it has stuck with me. "You are the easiest person for you to lie to."  When the true meaning of that sentence clicked, it shook me to my core.  The truth in those words was very difficult to swallow, but I could no longer deny that it was truth all the same.   I can convince myself of anything, and it will become my reality.  We all can.  You can sit back and say "No. I don't do that."  Really? You don't? Sure you do. We all do it.  We tell ourselves we're happy.  We satisfy our conscience with the lies that are easier to believe. He really does care. He's not cheating. He'll never do it again. He would never hit me.  She's not prettier than me.  I didn't fail my marriage.  I'm better off without them.  It wasn't my fault. The truths are not appealing, and the heart can't always accept them. 

Every time I utter the words "I'm fine," I feel an ounce of hypocrisy within my soul. All I can think to myself, is are you fine? You're really not. I don't want to hide behind those words.  Cowering behind my insecurities is not the manner in which I intend to live.  I want to be able to communicate that I am in pain.  Sometimes we all need a friend. We all need help from time to time. Why can't we swallow our pride and just ask?

I am a Leo, but I've come to see I don't have the typical traits of that zodiac sign. On the lines of not being financially wise or a strong personality,  yes. I have overcome my control issues and learned to let go. Most of all,  I am the epitome of a doormat. I don't stand up for myself well. I don't defend myself usually, and when I do, it never comes out right. I don't want to be this any longer. I preach to my babies all the time about standing up to bullies,  yet they see me lay down and take it every time their dad or his wife treat me like crap.

As I sit here typing, tears streaming down my cheeks,  I am reminded that I am not fine. I will clean my face and smile,  but I'm not ok. I knew better than to allow myself to feel.  I knew the baggage I bring to the table. I knew it was just a matter of time before my past caught up to the now and ruined everything.  Truth is, I didn't care in the moment.  It felt so good.  It felt right.  The first time in a long time, I allowed myself to fall, all along lying to myself.  I convinced myself, this time it was different.  He's not like the rest.  We're just friends. We weren't.  I took down the walls for a split second, and suddenly he was there.  I began to feel for another, the way I hadn't allowed myself to feel for a very long time. And in a split second, he was gone.  The pain came crashing through my being like a freight train. Yet again, I was the one left. I was the one saying "It's ok. I'm fine.  You're better off without me."  I have often said that I am cursed.  I am beginning to realize that's nothing short of the bitter truth.  Everybody leaves.  My past haunts my present and destroys my future.  At this moment I can't see past today.  It hurts, and I wish beyond anything I could wake up, and it not be real.  I'm not delusional enough to believe that, but it'd be really nice.   

I've come to believe that some people are better off alone. I'm one of them.  No one deserves the heartache that comes with me. No one deserves the headache that my ex will cause, and no one should feel this way. The walls begin to go up again today, higher than before. God please don't let me tear them down again.  I talk about believing in fairy tales, but that's just bullshit.  Fairy tales aren't real.  Happy endings don't happen.  Dreams don't come true.  This pain will end.  I will forget the happiness I felt.  My heart will mend, and I will go back to being fine.  Until then, I will smile through it.  I will pretend I'm ok, and I will appear to be just fine. 

They don't make em like they used to

The generation we live in today is so different than it was even when I was a kid. We hear all the time the phrase "they don't make em like they used to. " Truer words have never been spoken,  my friends. I'm not sure what our parents missed when raising the boys my age,  but something went amiss. Same with the girls. Respect, honesty,  decency,  morality,  all have seemed to vanish. My generation seems to be the dying breed when it comes to marriage. Most of us do it way to young,  and then by 30 we're divorced with kids,  and so jaded the thought of even a relationship makes us cringe. I'm no exception to this. A friend used the term "boyfriend" in reference to a guy I know,  and I had a 3 second panic attack. The thought of being tied down and belonging to someone made me cringe. Mostly it was the thought that I could fall in love and be hurt again.

We don't trust anyone fully,  because no one is honest anymore. Cheating is easy. Lying is doable. Faking emotion is common. We just do what feels good rather than right.

A dear friend told me a story tonight that I feel inspired this exert. This friend fits the category in my book of what "they don't make anymore." We all know that couple that we see as "the happily ever after" pair. They're the ones we believe are going to prove that marriages can still work. Suddenly,  they split. The truth comes out, and well, shit on my dreams of the fairy tale being real, again. You've got a great guy who loves her so much:  tells her she's beautiful, shows her affection,  showers her with gifts,  provides for the family,  and loves them unconditionally. She wants to experience the world, live more dangerously,  sleep around,  visit greener pastures. Well I got need for ya sweetheart. The world is cruel. Love is hard to find. And yes,  I'm gonna say it. They don't make em like that anymore.

In nearly a decade of marriage,  I didn't receive a single Christmas gift that his mother didn't buy, a valentine's card,  mothers day gift,  anniversary celebration, and I could hit the other holidays,  but you get the point. His idea of affection was grinding on me in the kitchen, while the kids were in the living room. No. Kiss me,  hug me, hold me, but don't grind. They don't need to learn that just yet. Chores weren't a joint effort,  in fact I mowed the yard all the way up until I delivered all 3 of our children. To sum it up,  I didn't have a husband. I had a wife with a male body.

The grass isn't always greener elsewhere. If you've got someone who looks at you like a fat kid looks at chocolate cake,  you better hold on tight. It doesn't get much better. If your sex life is suffering,  talk about it. Spice it up a little. If you're feeling smothered,  take a girls trip. Keep your legs closed,  but go. We all have our moments when we feel trapped. How you handle it,  is what defines the future of the relationship.

I can't tell you how to make a marriage work or even a relationship,  because truth is,  I'm single. Haven't had a successful one yet. I can share what will cause it to fail. I can tell a million mistakes to avoid, and that my dear,  is better than anything on earth,  in my southern opinion.

Don't yell at your spouse. Don't talk down to them. They're your partner. Talk to them,  like an adult. If you're irritated,  drink a glass of wine to loosen up first. But,  talk about whatever is bothering you.

Don't argue. I heard Bill Envall say once,  "if you want to argue,  ok, but we've got ya be naked first." Not an adult out there can do it. You're not mature enough. And if you are,  fine. Do 10 jumping jacks naked with your naked spouse. Then fight about it. Never gonna happen. Problem solved. You now have a new joke.

Don't stop wearing/buying lingerie. Keep it spicy. Shake things up now and then. Hang a note on the door that says "get naked," for when they come home. Anything to keep the love alive.

Send the kids to grandma's for a night. We all need a break now and then. Take a night off. Go out. Do something other than dinner and a movie.

Don't lose the affection. For goodness sake,  touch her. Hold her hand. Rub her feet. Kids her neck, shoulder,  arm, hand etc. Just let her know she's wanted. It doesn't have to always lead to sex. Just make your partner feel sexy.

Give compliments. Positive vibes yield positive results. I don't care if he forgot the garbage on the way out the door. Did he look amazing when he walked out?  Tell him. So what if he's all sweaty from mowing the lawn. Tell him he did a great job,  and give him a hug.

Do not EVER sleep in a separate room. Sleep together always. And don't go to bed angry. Work it out, whatever it takes.

Eat dinner as a family. Talk about the highs and lows. Family bonding cannot happen with the tv on. Put the phones away and talk to each other.

Don't poop with the door open. That's not a cute memory any way you swing it.

Don't let yourself go. We all put on a few pounds. Having children changes our bodies. That doesn't mean you stop shaving. Love the skin you're in but make it appealing to them as well. Yoga pants are comfy,  but every now and then put on a dress,  makeup and heels and be a different kind of beautiful.

Be kind. Not many just love their in laws. Visit them anyways. Go to that cake decorating class she's been raving about. Go to the gun range,  even tho you don't think you'll enjoy it. You may be surprised. Stop complaining and just do it,  because you love your partner.

Be honest. Sometimes it hurts. Do it anyways.

Don't lose that sparkle. The ability to stay young forever is one that many lose,  far before their youth is gone. Don't grow old, no matter how much you age. Run around the yard. Build a fort. Have a pillow fight. Stay young forever.

I guess to sum it up, remember what it was like to be dating, when you never farted in front of her,  you always had clean underwear, you were polite even tho you were dying. Don't lose that. Give everything you have to continue winning his/her heart. That's the only way you'll keep it. But above all else,  never stop laughing. The magic dies right after the laughter. If you cannot find comedic relief in the mundane moments of life,  God help you. Take the family to Walmart to people watch. You'll find a reason to laugh there.

There's no secret to success,  but at the end of the day,  it's about giving everything you've got. Today people don't do that. They give up, because it's easy. Don't give up. You loved them once. And remember, they don't make em they used to. You get a good one,  Lord help you to realize it.