To my sweet baby girl

To my dearest daughter,

When you were little you made this little noise. It began the day you came home from the hospital.  We called it the "weed eater." It annoyed me to pieces, drove me absolutely insane.  The day I realized you no longer made that noise, I had a physical reaction.  I sat at the kitchen table and cried like a baby, because I knew I would never hear that sound again.  I regret not recording it.  I regret telling you to stop.  Looking back, it was absolutely adorable.  So many attributes about you are just that, adorable.

I wish you could understand the emotions I feel for you.  I look at you in such amazement, and I wish I could share that with you.  I am so proud of everything you have become.  You are so beautiful. Your confidence amazes me, and to hear the things you say just leaves me breathless.  You are by far the greatest thing I've ever done.

I've been promising for years that things will get better, and they just keep falling apart.  I sat here tonight and again poured my heart out in the form of waterworks, because I worry you have given up on me.  I fear you see yourself as a disappointment.  Rest assure my sweet angel, you cannot and will not ever be that in my eyes.  I will love you no matter your choices in this life, for we have all made our fair share of mistakes.  I am no stranger to failure.  I've built an empire many times and had to watch it crumble before my eyes.  I pray you never have to experience the things I've suffered in my life, although I know you will carry your own burdens.

Please know that I will be here, everyday for the rest of your life, to help lighten that load.  I will never lie to you.  I will always be straight forward and honest with you.  I have told you for years that this life is hard, but you will never have to face it alone.  No matter where your heart and dreams may find you, I will forever be only a phone call away.  I hope you know that I would move heaven and earth for you.

It is my job as your mother to love you, protect you, advise you, shield you from pain, pick you up when you fall, and dust you off to throw you back out there.  I will always be an ear to hear and a hand to hold.

Though you may not notice, I still watch you sleep and kiss your cheeks in the night.  I miss having story time with you where we read every book on the shelf and make the funny voices.  If ever you need a good laugh, your mumum will always be here to make you chuckle.  Singing in the car with you is one of my favorite hobbies, and listening to the ideas you have about life and where it will take you, always warms my heart.  You are the beat of that heart.  You have your moments when I am crushed by your words and actions, but I know there is love to be found within them.  I never hold a grudge, and I have forgiven ever harsh utterance that has crossed your lips. I sit and stare at pictures of you when you aren't here. I scroll through my phone daily watching you grow up in a slide show.

I will continue to promise that things will get better.  They will.  It may not be today.  It might now be tomorrow, but soon baby girl, very soon.  In the mean time, I will give you every ounce of my being.  You bring a smile to my heart, and I am in adoration at the woman you are becoming.  Please don't ever lose your innocence.  You will have to love some assholes in your life, but you will find the one eventually.  I will be here through every heartbreak and every downturn.  I will never interfere with your relationships, choices or decisions.  Your life is just that, yours.  I will support what ever you deem worthy, whether I agree or not, because it is your choice to make.

I pray you never feel unworthy of my love.  Please don't think that I am unapproachable.  My goal in life is to always be your friend.  My job is to steer you in the right direction, and I pray thus far I have achieved this.  Your job will be to take the path of your choosing.  Whichever this may be, I will not be far behind.  I can't protect you from every scar.  I won't be able to catch you each time you fall, but I can promise you this.  I will never abandon you.  I will always dry your tears.  I will give you any advise you seek to the best of my ability, and I will never judge you by your mistakes.  I will stand by your side and help you learn from every situation.

My hope for you is that you learn forgiveness. Give love more attention than hate.  Laugh every single day and give someone a compliment.  No matter how uneasy you are to tell someone you love them, do it as soon as you feel it.  We're not promised tomorrow, and there is no greater regret than unspoken affection. Don't ever be afraid to be yourself.  We're all a little weird.  Embrace it, and don't you ever apologize for who you are.  Hold your head high, but don't be too proud.  Know your worth. Most of all, know that I love you.  Please always remember the good times that we have shared, and no matter what this life throws your way don't ever give up.  Focus on today. I know that school will tell you not to ever do drugs, but the world will tempt you.  Just promise me you'll never do meth or heroine. Keep a sense of humor, you're going to need it.

Lastly, just like the quote says Live everyday as if it's your last, but use condoms and pay your bills just in case it's not."  

I love you sweet girl. Don't forget that.

With all my heart,
Mumum

Rolling with the punches

If the last 4 years have taught me anything, it's how to roll with the punches.  No matter what life throws my direction, my motto has become very simple -Just make it through today.  I know that sounds like an attempt to talk myself out of suicide, but really, it isn't.  It's my way of coping with the day to day roller coaster. I can't focus on the future right now, because all I have room for is today.  It's much like the saying "I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days pile up on me at once." I can't worry what tomorrow holds.  Tomorrow will be here before I know it, and worry will only detract from today.  I can't change the past and don't know the future.

Over the last month it seems things just constantly go from bad to worse. I learned a long time ago, you don't ask if things can get worse.  The universe takes that as a challenge. Oh this bitch hasn't had enough? Let's hit her one more time.  Nope! I've learned to just roll with it, learn from it, and try not to repeat it.

I want to skip to the part in life when it doesn't hurt anymore, but how do you get there?  The road seems to be all uphill. Not just a slow grade climb either,  but a straight up, sometimes upside down ascent into the foggy sky that I can't see. I don't want to be heartless,  yet it seems so much easier than bearing this tremendous burden. When does the pain end?  When do I stop feeling like a failure?  When do I hit the plateau? I just need a quick breather.

Yesterday was the day I have talked about for months-when rather than going to bed ready to fight another day,  I crumbled to the floor and fall to pieces.  My strength was gone. My courage had been defeated.

From the time I could notice what money was,  my family was well off. We never hurt for much of anything. I married a man who's family had money,  and thus we never suffered either. After my divorce I came to know the very definition of the word struggle. Just when I got to the point when I could pay all the bills on time,  something would come up where I'd be juggling them again. I've built an empire just to watch it burn, and sadly,  I was holding the match. I've burned bridges,  made stupid mistakes,  and had too much pride to apologize at times. I often wish I could just be smarter. Why can't I just skip to the part where I'm financially stable? That's when the answer hits me. That's not possible. If I sore over the hard parts, I will never appreciate the easy days.

I stand here on the bottom again,  with no where to go but up,  and I am so scared. I'm petrified of the future. So many questions burn in the back of my mind. Questions I don't want to ask, some I don't want to have.

For so long, I've lived by the concept that everybody leaves. And then it sinks in. Maybe it isn't everyone leaving, but rather me running. Could it be that I am so terrified of love that I can't accept it when it's right in front of me?  Is it possible that I self destruct in my existence to push people away?  Maybe my fear of being alone is what creates the loneliness. All these questions filter over into my parenting. I am so desperate to succeed,  and yet I just keep failing.

I see the small victories. Like when my daughter tells me I'm an OK mom. I didn't get mom of the year, but I'll settle for OK. OK isn't worst. The angry German still says he needs me, and my oldest boy still likes to wrestle with his momma. Those are victories. It's the failures I need to overcome. I spent an hour last week having a full out melt down in Kroger parking lot,  because I missed those tiny  humans so much. When do we begin to live in harmony and share our children without making them feel they have to choose?  When does the struggle end and the raising decent humans begin?  Or is this life destined to be both combined? 

I worry what my children will remember of their childhood. What will they look back and see?  Is it going to be mom and dad constantly fighting? Will the remember the tension?  I pray instead they remember the nights we built a fire to today marshmallows,  puddle jumping after the rain,  piggy back rides in the park,  and staring at the Christmas lights from under the tree. I want to finally be at the point where I see a smooth future. Until then,  I will continue to pray. I will pray for strength on the difficult days, courage when I am fearful,  wisdom when I don't have the answers,  maturity when I want to lash out,  and understanding when patience is all they need. I will pray for the ability to see the love given to me,  and not turn it away, the patience to endure the moments if rather run but stand and wait instead. Until then,  I'll just roll with the punches.

Sometimes you have to play the fool...

I'm scared. No, I'm worse than scared.  I am petrified.  I'm frozen.  I feel like Elsa in the movie Frozen! I feel like I'm coaching myself not to feel.  Don't let them in, I keep telling myself.  I spent most of my youth not feeling good enough, the better half of my young adult life feeling worthless and the next few years convincing myself I'm enough.  That doesn't solve my problem. Yes I'm rambling.  The words rattling around in my head won't make sense.  I've been hit by cupid's arrow AGAIN, and I'm just a wreck.  How does the same little cherub hit you twice? Like, seriously, go pick on someone else.  I've tried that one, it hurt like hell! And then I'm reminded that though it hurt like hell, it felt so good and toasty on the way down to the flame.....

I didn't mean to fall the first time.  I had my reservations, but that didn't stop me.  My heart just melted and the rest was a beautiful nightmare.  I woke up hurt, confused, sad, alone, and all I could mutter was "I'm fine."  I wasn't fine.  I was promised the world, and the delivery never came in.  Which brings us to round 2.

My gut instinct was DO NOT RESPOND TO THAT TEXT!  But, like any polite woman who sees a friend in need, I did.  Every woman says she wants a man to fight for her, but what she doesn't realize is they have to test the grass on the other side of the fence to see if it's greener first.  That fight usually comes with an immense loss of trust, too many sleepless nights and tears to count, and the feeling that you will die single and alone.  One day you start to turn that bleeding heart into a stone statue, and when your masterpiece is almost complete, the call comes in.  He swoops in and swears all will be different this time.  He fights like hell.  Question is, do you take part in the battle?  Do you make him pay for his sins? Do you let him see the pain he caused? I think that's the only way to show him exactly how bad his detour was, but then again, it's also opening yourself back up to the destruction.

That precious little heart of stone starts melting the moment you share the experience.

If you're like me and most of the female population, you respond.  You convince yourself you'll be strong.  You won't let him back in all at once.  You will keep your guard up.  Rome wasn't built in a day, but what you failed to see was it sure came down in one! And just like that, he's back in.  The pitter patter of butterflies in your gut begin again, and you're believing every word he says.  I just want to slap myself right now and tell myself that's not love you fool!! That's common sense leaving your body!  I can say it all day long, still not going to listen to the voice of reasoning inside my head.
Only fools rush in right? Hah! No, we don't rush in.  We stampede in like the British cavalry in New England. Ready for war! Ready to ensure our fate doesnt end just like theirs- bullet to the heart and a slow humiliating march back to camp full of defeat. Sometimes you just have to play the fool,  to see who's fooling who.

Beauty is only skin deep

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone, he said.  My heart sank into my shoes the day those words made sense.  He was right.  A pretty face is just that, just a face.  A perfect body is only the product of the work you put into it, but the heart is what makes a person beautiful.  The most gorgeous person can become hideous with one slip of the tongue.  Yet on the other hand, an exquisite personality can make the least attractive a beautiful soul.

The guilt that gossip brings from judging a person's inward beauty on their outward appearance does not escape me.  I wonder,  how did that person get to where they are? Why do they feel ashamed? Why do we look at them in disgust?  I am not talking about the woman that sat on her couch for so long that her skin fused to the sofa.  That is filth and laziness. I'm referring to the woman with the dimples up the back of her legs, the stretch marks around her abdomen and thighs, and the laugh lines around her eyes.  

I am no stranger to any of these "flaws" as we all call them.  I've come to the conclusion they are not flaws at all, but a story to be told.  My body isn't perfect, but it's my skin, and I'm going to be in it for a while.  So, I got very comfortable with it.  I wear the swim suit at the beach.  I've heard some awesome comments.  My own daughter looked at me in disgust when I wore a 2 piece... until I explained what real beauty was.  

Those dimples are a gentle reminder that we enjoy the simple things in life.  I love salad, but I also love brownies.  My momma pouch shows that I would rather cuddle with my babies on the couch than go to the gym.  Those laugh lines mean I have a sense of humor.  Why is that a thing to be ashamed of? There is no shame for me anymore.  The streaks of gray that filter through my hair are like badges of honor to me. The map of Asia around my belly button, that has a hernia in it, is the road map that brought my 4 children into this world.  Those little lines on my forehead and around my eyes were created with character.  I will not belittle the magic therein.  

Time has kissed my sweet cheeks, both sets, and this doesn't bother me at all.  The skin that once had such elasticity is now beginning to melt. The skin that once carried a golden bronze is now practically see through and pasty. And I'm ok with it.  I'm good with it, because I know where my heart is.

Please don't let me discourage anyone who wants to better their outward appearance. But please, do it for you.  Do it because you want to be more fit to keep up with your babies.  Do it for your reasons, not those of others.

I tell my daughter daily that the most beautiful thing a girl can wear is a good attitude.  Love yourself and those around you.  That sparkle will shine brighter than any imperfection in your body. The light of your soul should burn with such passion that no matter what size, shape, color, or fashion could ever attempt to dull it.  Believe that you are not just beautiful. You're dazzling, magnificent, divine, alluring, fascinating, enticing, exquisite.  Don't just say it, believe it.  We are all attractive.  Our bodies are the story of our lives.  Don't ever be ashamed of that, because after all, beauty is only skin deep. Develop a pure heart with love so deep it outshines the sun.  Create the magic around you.  Be daring, be bold, but mostly...be you.  You are perfect.