Disfunctionality at it's finest

Things don't always pan out the way we plan.  Looking back, I never expected to be where I am now, but I am thankful for the journey.  When my ex walked into the room a few years ago and said he wasn't happy, I was devastated. In my mind, I worried I'd be alone forever. I had so many fears,  but the one that screams the loudest of them all was that my children would not have a normal family. It took a bit for me to grasp what normal was. Normal isn't mom and dad. Normal isn't the same people married forever. Today,  normal is where our children understand that family is family regardless of DNA.

My tiny humans and I have different types of fun days. Where your typical crowd goes to the mall or plays board games,  my kids like to go goodwill shopping or people watching. We were parking at the local goodwill when the conversation sparked about family, as it comes up several times a month. Each conversation I try to assure my children that they have a wonderful family. They don't have 2 either. It's one big blended family. My daughter is so much her mother's child, and it pains me to know how difficult it is for her to share emotions that when she opens up, we stop everything. I give my undivided attention, because I know if the layers of the onion begin to peel for myself and are not received,  it'll rot on the vine next go round.

I don't remember every detail we spoke about, but I will never forget the moment she burst into tears and asked why we couldn't just say we were sorry. I've heard my son say this when he was younger,  but she was old enough to understand, or so I thought. I took extreme caution with my words,  but I wanted her to hear me clearly. I don't hate dad. I don't hate his wife,  his mom,  his dad,  none of them. I was disappointed in the way our split came about,  but I would never begrudge a man for staying where he was unhappy. He appears happy now,  and that is OK. The only thing I ever ask is that your step mom be good to you. If she is good to you,  then she has my blessing. But being good to you also means being passive when it comes to me. If anyone,  and I mean anyone,  talks bad about your mother,  that's not being good to you. That's no different when it comes to your dad, grandparents etc. It's called respect,  and the main reason no one in my household is allowed to discuss negative topics when you're around.

See, I specifically used the word passive where I was concerned. They don't have to like me. I could not care less,  but they should be respectful enough to my children to shut up. I have explained this concept over and over again to my children.  No one should ever be allowed to disrespect their parents- even their other parent. 

Having to explain to my children that they should never feel they have to choose between which parent to love breaks my heart. I pray I have never presented that choice. They should never have to choose. We are not in competition. We are more family to love them. My parents aren't better grandparents than his, and vice versa. It doesn't matter who has more money. We all should love them unconditionally,  and sadly I am coming to grips with the fact that this isn't happening. The tears streaming down that precious girls face was proof enough.

We can't function as a family.  We can't function as parents.  It's a bitter truth that we spent 10 years together and can't even put our children's best interest first.  Why? Well it seems the ulterior motive where some are concerned is to have them hate one parent.  I will never accept this as right. I will never condone it, and I will work every single day to change it.  My children should never fear telling their mother they love her.  We have got to change it, and I will not stop until we do.

I think it is assumed that my goal is to win sole custody of my children.  This isn't the case.  If I truly wanted that, I could've stayed in Texas 4 years ago and waited on my ex to give up, the way he did on his other 2 children.  He simply faded out of the picture.  I didn't have to move 3 states away from my family for it.  I want my children to have both parents, equally.  We've both moved on with our lives, and there's nothing wrong with that.  I want my children to feel loved and comfortable in both homes. I want them to understand we are a team. I want us to actually be a team. Protection orders, accusations, DHS claims and rumors should cease. Those tiny humans see the struggle and feel the stress even when it's not right in front of them. 

God forgive us for the pain we've put these kids through. Lord help us to chart a course that is healthy and happy for them. Guide our steps and help us find forgiveness and tolerance. 

A burning match

I look at women in relationships, and I have wondered far too many times how in the hell she got to be so psycho?! We all know at least one female that all men refer to as bat shit crazy. OK fine and good.  How does that happen?  Is she born with it? I never thought in a million years I'd ever be that woman.  I'm usually very cool, calm and collected.  I've pride myself on never speaking out of anger, because I see what it does...and then you throw a little alcohol into the mix with an issue that hasn't quite been settled, and suddenly a psycho was born.  

My God! It was like I could see myself losing grip, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. I flew off the handle.  I woke a man out of a dead sleep with the swing of my fist.  What the hell had gotten into me? What on earth had possessed me to not just participate in this raging shenanigan, but in another persons home, no doubt? Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  

There we were well past midnight, intoxicated, both confused, screaming obscenities at one another, yelling that we were done. Why? Because we didn't finish a card game? Because I didn't answer the phone when he was lost hours before? Because rather than fighting about it, he chose to go to bed? Stupidity is the only explanation. It was ridiculously stupid, and yet there we were.  

It wasn't until the effects of the nights binge wore off that I realized, it was my fault. I threw an adult temper tantrum. Now I will not accept full responsibility, but I did start it.  I finished it as well.  We looked like assholes, and the only explanation was me.  No one wants to admit their flaws or faults, least of all myself, but I didn't have a choice.  There it was glaring me right in the eye. Truth is, my worst flaw is that I keep score.  I am the friend everyone calls to piece together the evening when they can't remember.  I am the one who can remember the littlest details everyone else forgets.  I remember smells, what someone was wearing, the conversations that took place, everything.  It's proven not to serve very well.  There I stood, yelling at the man I love, and rather than discuss the issue currently at hand, I brought up every wrong thing he'd ever done, and some I just assumed. 

When someone hurts me, betrays me, etc, I don't let it go.  I forgive, but I never forget.  In essence, that isn't forgiveness at all.  It's as if I'm holding the cards until they serve my purpose, and for that I am extremely wrong.  When the argument had finished, and we had said our apologies, I had promised to tear up the score card and wipe the slate clean.  That's the only way we'll ever make it.  Forgiveness can't take place when you're still holding on to the past.  It's like holding a burning match. Eventually you either let it go, or it burns you.  

My dearest friend was there the evening of our sherades. She mediated, God love her.  She mentioned something that has been eating at me for 2 days now.  You're punishing him, because of what your ex did to you.  He broke you, and that's not this man's fault.  My God! She was right.  My ex tore me down, broke me to pieces, but that's not this man's fault.  If he could love me enough to come crawling back after hurting me, and trust me I made him grovel, then he should not pay for another's sins. I chose to love after my heart being broken.  He chose to love me despite my broken pieces and sharp edges. The past won't do anything but hurt us both.  I am not his ex.  He is not my ex. We are us. He wasn't the one who broke me.  I wasn't the one who broke him.  Our paths collided, and we chose to love again after destruction.  At the end of the day, we aren't really broken.  We're guarded.  We build walls around our hearts to protect us from pain.  We must be brave enough to tear them down. 

Up until the moment I flew into my psychotic rage, past mistakes continued to bother me.  It didn't matter that he'd apologized. I clearly did not accept it.  He made a mistake, a huge mistake and one that hurt me very deeply.  It damaged trust, and I in turn made a bold statement.  I gave an ultimatum, which generally isn't my style. He apologized. He promised it would never happen again, and then the first quarrel afterwards, there I was rubbing it in his face. Today, I can honestly admit, that even though I remember the incident, I am not holding the grudge.  I will put my faith in him again.  I will not continue punishing him for the events that hurt me in the past.  I pray I never fly off the handle like that again either. I have been 32 years without hitting another human, but I stained that record in a fit of rage. He laughed and said yep, you'll have to live with that one, honey. He's right. I will have to live with it, but I'm comforted knowing that it taught me a valuable lesson.  

"No amount of regret can mend the past.  No amount of anxiety can change the future.  All it does is destroy the present."   unknown

I can't say there won't be mistakes in the road ahead, but we will face them head on without the baggage of the past holding us down.  And...I'll probably never swing my fist again.  

Comparison isn't fair

We went to church this evening, and I felt compelled to share. I was raised on a church pew.  Sometimes it felt as if we went to service 12 times a week and 3 times on Sunday.  I've slacked off the past few years.  It's been very difficult for me to find my faith again. When I discovered Life Church in Collierville, I immediately loved it.  Going to the young adults service in East Memphis, has been nothing short of a movement. For the first time in years, I've felt at home.

So many times we go to service, and the message goes in one ear and out the other.  Then there are messages like this evening's that shake you to the core.  It was as if every single word was spoken directly to me, and  I needed to hear every single one of them.

Pastor Jason was in from the Arkansas campus, and he spoke about comparison.  At the beginning of his message he said,  "I get most of my encouragement from other people's failures, and I get my greatest insecurities from other peoples successes."  How true is that in all of our lives? One of my worst traits is that I compare myself to others.  We all do.   We compare ourselves to everyone around us, and to be frank, it either brings us up or shoots us down.  To sum it up,  Comparison is not fair, a waist of time, and counter productive. It either makes you greater or lesser.  

My entire life I've been comparing myself to those around me, but when he said You have to accept what God gave you, it was moving.  It finally made sense.  We aren't all built the same.  We aren't all the same height, weight, body type, level of maturity, brains, or beauty.  He was right!  I have to accept that I am different, and that's what makes me great! I have strengths, weaknesses, quirks, and talents all different than everyone I know.  These are all the things I need to embrace about myself.  The good Lord didn't give me the brains to be a rocket scientist, but He gave me the personality to work with people.  That may mean I'll be in customer service or sales the rest of my life.  You know what? That's ok with me. I love people! As frustrating as they are, if you threw me in a cubicle away from everyone, I would go insane.  I couldn't do it.  I wasn't born with a smooth personality. I'm abrasive, and weird, and quirky. Again, totally good with it,  I don't have the fanciest house.  I don't even own a car at the moment, and 4 years post divorce, still not able to talk about a serious relationship without cringing. (Yes, I am in a relationship.  The moment marriage comes up, I have to change the subject.) You know what I was given? A house, with grass and trees, and I am so incredibly thankful.  I was given a wonderful man, who isn't perfect.  He's the first person I've ever argued with, and I'm grateful for that. For the first time in my life, someone is worth the fight.  I should show him more how much I care.  He lets me drive his car...even after I jacked the muffler, and someone tried to run me off the road.  He isn't perfect, like I said.  There are days when I want to strangle him, but I don't, because I'd miss him, and we have way too much fun.  I can honestly say that life has thrown me so many events, that I've never understood.  I've grown so bitter from the experience, but tonight I finally accepted, it is what it is.  Things happen that shouldn't have, but they did none the less.  There's nothing I can do to change any of them.  Each one has lead me to where I am today, to the person I am today.  I don't believe any of it was a mistake.

He said "We need to celebrate the success of others." That's hard for me too.  I see so many people that seem to have it so easy.  My goodness, it's like nothing in their life ever goes wrong! It's so frustrating, but then tonight as Pastor Jason spoke, I realized, if I stop looking at what I don't have, I will see that they are blessed, but so am I.  For all the things that I mentioned before and a million more, I am blessed.   I don't have the fanciest house.  I don't even own a car at the moment, and 4 years post divorce, still not able to talk about a serious relationship without cringing. (Yes, I am in a relationship.  The moment marriage comes up, I have to change the subject.) You know what I was given? A house, with grass and trees, and I am so incredibly thankful.  I was given a wonderful man, who isn't perfect.  He's the first person I've ever argued with, and I'm grateful for that. For the first time in my life, someone is worth the fight.  I should show him more how much I care.  He lets me drive his car...even after I jacked the muffler, and someone tried to run me off the road.  He isn't perfect, like I said.  There are days when I want to strangle him, but I don't, because I'd miss him, and we have way too much fun.  I can honestly say that life has thrown me so many events, that I've never understood.  I've grown so bitter from the experience, but tonight I finally accepted, it is what it is.  Things happen that shouldn't have, but they did none the less.  There's nothing I can do to change any of them.  Each one has lead me to where I am today, to the person I am today.  I don't believe any of it was a mistake.

The last thing he talked about in his message tonight was how we all just need to find our approval in God.  I didn't understand that at first.  It wasn't until he was saying the closing prayer that it hit.  We all need a father to pull us in close and let us know we're doing a good job.  My eyes filled with tears instantly.  God love him, but I don't think I've ever pleased my earthly father.  I have always felt like such a disappointment to him, and for once I would just like to know that I'm doing something right. But as for my heavenly Father, I can finally see that I am on the right track.  I'm not perfect.  I never will be, but my efforts and choices are by His grace and with His approval.

 Sometimes we don't need deep words of wisdom to enlighten our lives.  Tonight, it was simple sermon that made me change my entire outlook.  If only we all just stopped comparing ourselves to others and in any situation.  Stop worrying about the neighbors lawn,  your best friends car, your cousins perfect kids, or your bosses bank account.  We may not be where we need to be, but as long as we're on the right track is all that matters.  

Hypocracy

I got a great laugh this week, and I absolutely had to share.  I was called a hypocrite for the way I love my children.  It was explained that I claim to love my children unconditionally, yet I get frustrated occasionally with them. The exact incident was when my daughter told me she wouldn't care if I got killed in a car accident, and the thought of leaving her on the side of the road was a thought.  It wasn't one I'd ever act on, but it flashed through my mind,

Now, let me be clear.  I would never leave my child anywhere, much less in traffic to fend for themselves.  The words she was saying were so hurtful, my gut instinct was to stop the pain by any means necessary.  Did I do it? No.  Why? Because I love her. When we arrived home, did I feed her the same meal as everyone else? Yes, I did.  Did I give her dessert afterwards just like everyone else? Yes, I did.  Why? Because I love her.  Because I do not want her to ever think she is less my daughter than the other 3 children I have.  No matter what she says or does, she will always be my daughter.  I will always love her, and I will never treat her differently.

That said, you line up 100 mothers and ask each of them if they've ever flipped their lid, had a parental temper tantrum, said some things they don't mean, even considered leaving their child on the side of the road, and I promise you 99% of the women standing there would have to admit they had.  The other 1% clearly doesn't spend enough time with their children.  Someone else is raising them, because children will push you to the brink of insanity.  They will crush your spirit by calling you fat, break your heart by telling you you're mean, and they will drown your dreams by letting you know you're too old.

I am not a hypocrite for venting my frustration any more than I am for being honest.  This world has enough fluff.  There is enough political correctness.  I don't know how to sugar coat things, and I refuse to be put down because I am open.  I am real.  What you see is what you get. I won't apologize for that.  There isn't anything wrong with being honest.  I have never hurt my children, despite the accusations that have been made.  I may lose my temper, but what parent hasn't?

We've all heard the phrase parenting doesn't come with a manual. It's true.  Children aren't born with instructions.  When I had the first of my 4, I had never really been around kids, certainly not a newborn.  I was lost.  I had no idea what I was doing, but I did the best I could.  I've made my fair share of mistakes. That's no secret.  We all have.  I've lost my patience, temper, composure, etc  As shameful as it is, there was a time when I was at the end of my proverbial rope, and I lost it.  The good Lord was paying attention, because as soon as I started yelling that stuffed animal suddenly appeared in my path, and low and behold, I came crashing to the ground.  It was a great humbling experience.  There was no yelling to be had after that.  We were all too busy laughing at mom busting the floor.

We're parents.  Yes, there are those super moms out there that feed their kids all organic foods and craft every week, but then there are the normal moms like me.  We make the mac n cheese with the powdered sauce, send lunchables to school when we are running late, and put our faith in our children that they brushed their teeth.  That isn't everyday, but there's nothing wrong with it. We slip.  We stumble. We fail, but we give it all we've got. There are no right and wrong answers.  I love my children, and I will not justify my parenting actions in an effort to prove that to the world. I am a mother, with a heart full of love for my tiny humans. I'm not perfect, but what's important is that they know they are loved.