Vulnerable...

"She's vulnerable," she said.  "She's vulnerable." Those words have repeated themselves in my head a million times over the last 24 hours.  I questioned why anyone would point that out, and then it hit me.  I am vulnerable....and that's the best complement anyone could have ever said about me. 

In a world where it is better to be hardened and bitter, I am vulnerable.  I am so proud to be that.  I type on this keyboard and share it with millions of people: close friends, coworkers, family, enemies, strangers alike, and I am ok with that.  My heart has been broken so much. I have suffered so much, and vulnerable is the best thing I could ever ask to be.  Willing to love, regardless of the pain that may come.  Despite my insecurities, fears, failures, I am willing to bare the deepest parts of my soul for the chance at happiness. 

I met a man, a beautiful man that struck me the minute he walked into my life.  He was my friend long before my significant other.  I watched his struggles in life and in love.  I prayed for him. I worried for him.  I never even noticed it. I was drawn to him, and I didn't even notice it.  So when tragedy struck in my life, and he stepped up to be a friend, again, without even noticing I allowed him to be there.  I let him be my friend even though I was suffering.  I let him in.  He didn't make the first move. I did.  It just happened, but it happened all the same, because I allowed myself to step out there again.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable, despite the heartache I felt in the past.

No matter how much pain comes my way in the future, or what I still feel from the past, I don't ever want to build the walls so high that they're impenatrable.  I want to feel.  We should feel. It's human.  I don't want to numb the pain. I don't want to regret not saying the words in my mind.  I don't ever want someone to question how I feel about them. 

I was petrified the day he said we were going to meet his parents.  I couldn't concentrate over the next few hours, and thousands of excuses flashed through my head as to why I couldn't go.  But, I went anyways. I swallowed the fear.  I stepped out there, praying I was good enough, praying I'd be accepted.  I have grieved the loss of so many friends and family members, but I am willing to make room in my life  and my heart for more.  They may not all stay with me, after all, friends come and go.  But, I will give myself the opportunity to know and love them anyways. 

I am scared of pain.  I do have trust issues, but I am brave enough to say "I love you." I am big enough to admit that if my relationship ends, it will break my heart. It will hurt.  I don't need anyone, but I want them.  I don't need the sig, and I can live without him, but I want him here, and I don't want to be without him. I'm strong enough to trust in love after the hurt. I am willing to be vulnerable, because love is worth the chance of pain.  Because love is the only thing on this earth that cures the heartache and seals the wounds.