I'm not fat....I'm textured

So somewhere over discussing health issues and getting older with my bestie, I decided to start working out.  I may have been under the influence of something unbeknownest to me, because anyone who knows me, knows I don't work out.  I'm 32 and besides a couple month stint in the gym after my second child (which did not make much of a difference) I have never worked out.  I'm not the girl worried about her caloric intake.  I don't even own a scale! The number does not bother me, nor does the size.  I am very comfortable in my skin.  But, I decided to work out none the less.  I promised the sig 30 days, and then we'd go to the gym together.  Partially because I need a head start to catch up with his form, but more likely, because he didn't want to pay for a membership if I were just gonna blow it off.  Fine and good. 

So, I've always believed that you can't start anything mid week.  Monday is always the starting point.  If I stop on Tuesday, I'll restart next Monday.  Yes, that's my laziness kicking in. 

Well this lovely day, I got up early.  I laced up those trainers and slid into the shorts. I came to the living room and loaded my workout on youtube. I was ready..... until about 35 seconds into the warm up.  This portion was only 3 minutes long, and I was already dying.  I was sweating.  I don't sweat, but there was perspiration rolling down my back and forehead.  It wasn't delicate, graceful lady glistening either, but full on man sweat. Horrendous pourage rolling in mass quantities down my spine! My thighs were burning, and my shorts were suddenly rubbing uncomfortably against them.  By the time the real music began, I was almost to tears.  What did I get myself into?!

Before the first verse of song #2 was over, I was shaking head to toe. My butt and legs were on fire! I couldn't breathe! Almost certain of my impending doom, I slowed down just a tad.  The thoughts running through my head were of me lying on the floor dead from a massive heart attack with a toddler home alone all day.  How would he explain that to his therapist? How would the sig explain this to the world?  Oh yea so my girlfriend decided to be more healthy and died on day 1 of the work out. AHHHH!

I made it through the second song, and when the third started to play I was on to thoughts of lunch.  Did we have any donuts left? Man I could really use a cheese burger.  The thoughts of sushi, and ice cream, and cookies, and dill pickle chips just flooded my mind.  At this point my legs were numb.  I had stopped wondering if my gut was still jiggling, because I couldn't feel anything other than my armpits screaming for me to quit.  I didn't know there were muscles in your armpits by the way.  Maybe that's why boobs start to sag. 

At this point, my shorts were soaked. My feet were slipping around in my runners like I'd just jogged through a creek bed.  My shirt was sticking to me in the extremely irritating way like someone at the concert spilled beer all over you, but you paid way too much money for this ticket to go home, and there's no way you're getting an assault charge for hitting them.  So you just deal with it.  I was starving! All I wanted was a carbonated beverage of ANY kind. 

I thought I was going to pass out.  I couldn't do another leg lift.  I couldn't squat again.  I probably won't be able to squat for a week to be honest.  I looked down at the clock. IT HAD ONLY BEEN 7 MINUTES!!!!  Are you serious?! I can't even breathe through 7 minutes of exercize without having heart palpatations and fearing cardiac arrest? This 30 days may very well be the longest of my life.  I think it's possible that it could be longer than the last 6 weeks of pregnancy. 

I'm not sure being in shape is for me.  Maybe it's ok to be a little pudgy.  After all I've dealt with my weight and dimples this long, what's a few more years? I'm white, like porceline white.  I can't tan.  I don't tan. It's just not in the genes for me, and I'm ok with that.  I have the map of Asia around my belly button.  That belly button on a good day looks a little mishapen, but on a bad day appears to have a tiny hand pushing out of it.  It's a hernia, and it doesn't bother me.  I still wear my swim suit.  I still rock some shorts.  Life is way too short for all this stress.  I'm not niave enough to say I will go on a diet. It won't happen.  I like greasy food, and fries, and chips, and brownies, and cake, and omg that sounds amazing right now. I'm salivating, so I'm going to wrap this up. 

In short, I'm ok with my size. I'm not going to quit, because I promised the sig 30 days.  Who knows, maybe I'll even start to enjoy it.  Until then, I'll be the one vegging out on the couch with every item of junk food in this house.  If anyone's down for burgers for lunch, come get me! I'll buy.

Vulnerable...

"She's vulnerable," she said.  "She's vulnerable." Those words have repeated themselves in my head a million times over the last 24 hours.  I questioned why anyone would point that out, and then it hit me.  I am vulnerable....and that's the best complement anyone could have ever said about me. 

In a world where it is better to be hardened and bitter, I am vulnerable.  I am so proud to be that.  I type on this keyboard and share it with millions of people: close friends, coworkers, family, enemies, strangers alike, and I am ok with that.  My heart has been broken so much. I have suffered so much, and vulnerable is the best thing I could ever ask to be.  Willing to love, regardless of the pain that may come.  Despite my insecurities, fears, failures, I am willing to bare the deepest parts of my soul for the chance at happiness. 

I met a man, a beautiful man that struck me the minute he walked into my life.  He was my friend long before my significant other.  I watched his struggles in life and in love.  I prayed for him. I worried for him.  I never even noticed it. I was drawn to him, and I didn't even notice it.  So when tragedy struck in my life, and he stepped up to be a friend, again, without even noticing I allowed him to be there.  I let him be my friend even though I was suffering.  I let him in.  He didn't make the first move. I did.  It just happened, but it happened all the same, because I allowed myself to step out there again.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable, despite the heartache I felt in the past.

No matter how much pain comes my way in the future, or what I still feel from the past, I don't ever want to build the walls so high that they're impenatrable.  I want to feel.  We should feel. It's human.  I don't want to numb the pain. I don't want to regret not saying the words in my mind.  I don't ever want someone to question how I feel about them. 

I was petrified the day he said we were going to meet his parents.  I couldn't concentrate over the next few hours, and thousands of excuses flashed through my head as to why I couldn't go.  But, I went anyways. I swallowed the fear.  I stepped out there, praying I was good enough, praying I'd be accepted.  I have grieved the loss of so many friends and family members, but I am willing to make room in my life  and my heart for more.  They may not all stay with me, after all, friends come and go.  But, I will give myself the opportunity to know and love them anyways. 

I am scared of pain.  I do have trust issues, but I am brave enough to say "I love you." I am big enough to admit that if my relationship ends, it will break my heart. It will hurt.  I don't need anyone, but I want them.  I don't need the sig, and I can live without him, but I want him here, and I don't want to be without him. I'm strong enough to trust in love after the hurt. I am willing to be vulnerable, because love is worth the chance of pain.  Because love is the only thing on this earth that cures the heartache and seals the wounds.

Love sucks. I'm sorry that I'm not sorry.

To those I offended by my Valentine's....

My humblest apologies are in order. I took yesterday to really consider why it was offensive. Personally, I don't think it was. When I see a little heart attached to the straw of a juice box, I don't read "love sucks" offensively. I see a pun whose intended purpose was humor. 

Apparently in our society of over sensitive, easily offended, politically correct individuals humor is no longer acceptable, and for that I am sorry. I am so sorry that we can no longer use certain words without someone reading too much into it or getting in a tizzy. Lord help us all, if she was trying to be cute. I'm sorry that your children won't grow up with thick skin. It saddens me to the bitter core that literal is the only form of speech acceptable, and even then silence is best. I'm sorry that your children are being taught that freedom of speech is no longer free. Our fore fathers fought for a freedom we aren't even able to exercise anymore, because heaven forbid if it's too colorful for a fifth grader. 

Your school system can allow our children to learn a terrorist religion, witness violence, be bullied into suicidal thoughts, and learn more about the human anatomy than most adults know, but we can't be funny anymore. For that I am truly sorry. From now on, you can rest assure that I will screen my cards. I will resort to premade valentines if necessary, but I have the utmost sympathy for the kids growing up in this system. There are worse things to be offended by than my poor choice in words, but I am sorry. I will stifle my creativity, be careful of my wording, and give every effort not to be off color. 

I will offer you this, a light bulb and my final pun. Some would think it's because I'd seen the error in my ways, but no. This is for you. I want you to place it visible to whatever chair you rest in to contemplate, so the next time you wear your feelings on your shirt sleeve and decide to invent a reason to cry, you can look at it and remember to lighten up. 

Sincerely and God bless, 

Love sucks. I'm sorry that I'm not sorry. 

The value of a dollar

I realize I've been on a roll lately with my "life skills" rants. There's a reason behind it.  It's something I have taken a personal interest in and made my mission to teach my children. I'll be perfectly honest in saying that growing up, I had no idea the value of a dollar.  So now that I have discovered it's not much,  I want my children to understand.  Money doesn't grow on trees.  Those sneakers aren't paid for with cash.  They're purchased with chunks of time and energy out of my life.

I heard someone talking about her daughter's education last week, and it infuriated me. She said, and I quote "I'm not really worried about her education right now." WHY?! Not trying to be ugly here, but at some point you need to put a little stock in that education.  Marrying well isn't easy even if she's the epitome of a trophy wife.  In this day and age it takes 2 incomes to make it, and the chances of a woman being a stay at home wife/ mother are slim. Instead of assuming this is the path her life is going to follow, why are we not teaching our daughter's to be self sufficient?  The same way I tell my sons, I instill in my daughter that two things will take you where you want to go in life- a good education and a good credit score. That said you'll need a job to buy the items you want and need, and the brains to pay your bills on time.

This subject gets my blood pressure elevated.  The vein in my forehead is thumping as I type.

Not many are teaching their children the cost of possessions. Like I said, they're not purchased with money.  Those $150 Nike shoes takes the average person making $10 an hour, 3 days to earn.  This is because after taxes and such, they only make about $6.50 an hour.  This doesn't include the other bills their working towards earning.  Now multiply that times the number of kids you have.  In my case 4.  That puts it a little more in perspective right? It would take me 8 to 10 days working 10 hours at a time to afford all of them a pair, and that's just shoes.  Now let's add in jeans at $40 a pair, shirts an average of $15 each, a jacket for $30, and that's us shopping at American Eagle.  Lord help us when they develop a real taste for trends and labels.

I've maintained that when my children get to driving age, they will assist in the purchasing process.  Regardless of what I can afford, they're helping.  Them helping pay for the car will give them a better sense of appreciation.  Insurance premiums teach us to drive more responsibly. General maintenance is important for longevity.

I still have toddlers in addition to my preteens.  When they break a toy, I make them throw it away.  I don't rush out to buy a new one. They don't get treats every time we go to the store anymore.  Treats are for good kids who have earned a reward.  I'll buy you a banana every time I walk through the door of Target to keep you quiet, but I'm not buying a set of Legos. Is your room clean? Have you been respectful? Did you help out around the house at all? That's what earns the treat.

For goodness sakes, if I hear another parent talking about not caring about their kids education "at this age" I'm going to lose it. School isn't to retain all the information they learn.  I can't tell you the last time I had to explain the process of photosynthesis, and I have never used the periodic table since graduating.  My years in school did teach me time management, deadlines, the importance of being prepared, and how to deal with people. It also taught me to work smarter not harder. That education is important to get a better job.  I am not by any means belittling manual labor.  Not everyone is interested in being a Dr. or a lawyer. Some folks enjoy working on engines and homes. That's perfectly fine.  We do however need to teach our children that without that education, you won't make as much. A certified mechanic makes more than someone self taught.  A licensed contractor has more call backs than the handy man. See where I'm going here. Invest in your children and yourself.

So the next time you think it's not that important to be concerned about their schooling, think of what you're teaching them.   You're teaching your kid that he gets a participation ribbon just for showing up. No. That's not how life works.   I don't get a pay check just for clocking in.  If I don't accomplish anything throughout the day, my boss is more than likely going to tell me to find employment elsewhere, and then guess what? It's going to take even longer to purchase those sneakers.

Now I'm off to relax just a little, before I burst a blood vessel. Use your head people. Stop teaching your kids to be lazy and that life will just magically be handed to them.

Life skills

I think I've missed my calling in life.  Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy the new path I'm on, but I think I am going to continue my education and get a teaching degree. I want to teach Life Skills in about 20 years.  I can hear those that know me well.  Oh Lort! Our children are gonna learn some crazy stuff. Yes they will! They will learn what life is really about.  

I know I've touched on this in the past, but who remembers learning to balance a check book in school?  I didn't.  I recall taking an economics class, but I don't remember the part where they taught us how to choose the right mortgage or car financing options.  Home Ec never covered the part of how to communicate with your spouse either.  These are things our kids need to know, before they rush out into the world.

On the budget subject, they'd be given a hypothetical life with every option out there. This is your spouse.  Here's your house, with options to stay, remodel, rent it out, sell it, let it foreclose etc. Here's your car, it's set of mechanical problems and options for that as well. Fix it, sell it,  wreck it, send it back, etc.  Theses are your kids. You've got 2, 3, 4, however many they draw out, and here are their issues. This one is ungrateful.  This one has asthma.  That one is lazy. These are your options for the kids.  You can teach them, cater to them, send them to live with Grandma what have you.  Their budget would never include enough money to cover all the bills and live comfortably.  That may very well happen in your life, but not every month, and every person needs to know how to react in a struggle.  The choices made would have consequences too.  For instance, Whoops you got pregnant again! Aha! You're being audited this year! Good try buddy, but you're being sued now.Hey, honey the roof is leaking. Well, it's your roof now, cause daddy found a new girlfriend at the office, and he's moving out. Real life scenarios!! The goal of the lesson is to avoid divorce, bankruptcy, being homeless, suicide, murder or jail. Passing means you managed your money, made cuts where necessary, and made it out with all members of the family, and only ran your bank account into the red once.  You are allowed to zero out 12 times a year, but points are docked for going into the negative.  I think it's a great idea. I firmly believe the next generation, and the last for that matter, have no idea how to be an adult.

If anyone in the class gets in a fight, they're required to spend the remainder of their time that year together.  You'll be best friends or mortal enemies, but you won't graduate unless you can get along.  It means they have to do every project together.  They have to be friends outside of school too.  They have to do homework together, carpool to school, and ultimately work it out.  You know what that teaches them? Divorce isn't an option.  You may not like your boss, but you've got to fake it with a smile. Family will inevitably drive insane, but you have to love them anyways. Bullying would plummet.

Going back to the spouse, there will be an entire semester on relationships.  Like I said, each class member will be assigned a spouse of their choosing.  Some will be compatible, and some will be out of convenience.  You get in an argument? You're not allowed to sleep until you work it out.  Counseling will be made available, but the exam will be graded based on your ability to avoid splitting up at all costs.  Separation is allowed, but points are docked.  Points are given back and even awarded based on the getting back together process. This teaches them to choose their mate wisely.  Looks aren't always everything. Money can't buy you happiness, and psychotic tendencies lurk in the most unsuspected.

Life skills would have a follow up class as well, that deals with all the short comings.  If you and your spouse didn't make it, you get to learn to coparent.  If you filed bankruptcy, you get to learn how to recover and rebuild.  If you're homeless, you'll learn how to get back on your feet.  We'll call this class Recovery. They'll both be required, and at the end of them, these kids will have a clear understanding of real life, responsibility, and ultimately- cause and effect. 

Bitter or Better? Your choice

Sunday service was very inspiring for me.  Obviously, I'm on my second post that struck me from the sermon.  Pastor spoke about a man he met that every time he asked how he was doing would reply with "It's so hard. Life is so hard."  I swear I use that phrase a lot.  Life is hard! But, we all have a choice.  We can revel in the misery, or we can be thankful for the problems we have. After all, someone out there is praying for your battle.  It can always be worse.  That sounds negative, but really it's not.

One thing he said really hit home.  "I got news for you.  You folks that are having the best time of your life, it's gonna change. Didn't say it was good news! But you folks that are struggling right now, guess what? Change is coming." That was monumentous in my world. I feel like I've been circling the drain for a good minute. So hey, there's no where to go but up right? I've said 1000 times, and I'll say it another few thousand. "If I can survive the last 4 years of my life, I can make it through anything."  I have suffered the loss of friends, family, homes, jobs, cars, custody, relationships, material possessions, and the list goes on and on. I'm not sad about it. Every loss lead me to a gain.  My marriage failed, but I discovered that there is life after love.  I wasn't living up to my potential anyways, and I wasn't as happy as I thought.  I couldn't afford that car.  I worked from the bottom to the top at that job, but the view wasn't what I had imagined.  That ride or die friend was toxic to me, and I was toxic to her.  Those relationships taught me to always trust in love one more time, no matter how bad it hurt.  Love is the only thing on earth that heals the pain.  No one is better off alone, but like I've said before, everybody leaves.  By way of death or indifference, everybody's time in our lives has an expiration date, and I am ok with that.

To be happy in the midst of the struggle is not always easy.  When you're stressed to keep a job, or find a job, it's hard not to wonder where next month's rent is coming from.  It took a leap of faith for me to stop worrying. The good Lord has never let me down, and I don't want to doubt that now.

We're going to suffer in this life.  It is my personal belief that how we handle the suffering determines the reward on the other side.  If we get all bogged down and frustrated and negative about everything,  the light at the end of the tunnel is just a way out.  We don't appreciate it.

We need to stop worrying so much. Take it one day at a time and stop looking for problems that don't exist yet.  You may get hit by a train on your way to work tomorrow, but that doesn't mean you rewrite your will every night or take a different path that doesn't take you across the tracks.  Live today.  Kiss your babies. Love your mommas. Just stop stressing.

And that's my soap box speech today.  God bless.