Faith's Test

My motto has become "life is hard." Life is hard. Life is cruel. Things happen in every existence that are simply inexcusable. In my life, I have experienced despicable events. Despite everything,  I do not see myself as heartless, cold or bitter.  Maybe I'm in denial.

I believe in a higher power. I believe there is a plan and a purpose for everything. I don't think this life is random by any means, which is why I have become so discouraged. My confusion has become overwhelming,  and my faith seems to be on sinking sands. We each have a hand in our destiny. I've always understood that each action has a reaction, be it positive or negative. I'm not claiming to be perfect by any means. I make my fair  share of mistakes daily, but I've come to the conclusion karma has the wrong address.

Recent events have brought me to seriously question humanity. I will never understand how anyone could claim to have a conscience and then do something to inflict intentional pain. I find it difficult to trust anyone now. I invested my soul in another human who seems content in using my greatest fears against me. Humanity isn't the only thing I question. I wonder if God has forgotten me. I question if He hears my prayers at all. I was handed an unbelievable situation, and I did what I believed was what was best for my family. I've worked so hard and overcame enormous obstacles,  yet each reward seems overshadowed by another trial looming ahead. I've done everything in my power to make the best of an unthinkable situation with no avail. I try to see the upside,  but it seems the climb only leads to another misery.

At this point,  I teeter between self doubt and attempting to find the strength to fight another round. I find myself gripping so tightly to everything I hold dear for the fear that it will be torn from me. I have never been a nostalgic person. I don't sit around reminiscing, but lately I find myself drifting off lost in the memories. I am so thankful for the people in my life. my heart is so full of gratitude for the support system around me. They may not be DNA related,  but they are my  family. I love them each so dearly. Each one has their own way of lifting me up when I need it most.

My faith may be under fire,  but every time I hear someone say "Be strong.  Keep praying. " I am reminded that just maybe God really does work in mysterious  ways. Maybe that's Him gently reminding me to keep going. I may not be able to run or even walk,  but so long as I can move,  I'll not give up. I will fight. I will stand again. I will win,  in this life or the next. I may not have the answers or results I've been praying for,  but it doesn't mean He doesn't hear me. There's a lesson to be learned here somewhere. I pray someday I understand. I pray my sweet babies do too.

Lord don't harden our hearts. Help us to see your beauty even in our pain. Give us the strength to believe in you: to trust in your plan even when we don't see the destination. May we trust the light at the end of the tunnel is you even when we fear it's  the  train. Give us the patience to wait for you: to wait on you to reveal your plan to us. Most of all, Lord guide our steps that we may be a witness for you.

Men lie, and women wear make up

Men and women fall in love so differently. Women fall for what they hear, men fall for what they see.

I read a meme yesterday that said "a whiskey glass and a nice ass will always be man's downfall." I saw another that read "he said I was the one....I lied to get in her pants, it worked."  That sums it up right there.

I have watched many times women fall too hard and too quickly. They invest every ounce of their soul in a relationship long before the trust is earned. I have also witnessed and  experienced men playing the game too get what they want...in her pants. Women!!!!! Wake up!! When will we learn? When will we learn to teach or daughters that before she spreads, make him earn it. Men!!!! Stop letting your sex drive, drive you!!! She's worth getting to know a little better.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying teach our girls to be gold diggers and wait for marriage. I do believe it's good to discover who you are. However, get to know someone. Talk, listen, laugh and then fall in bed. I firmly believe there'd be a ton less unplanned pregnancies, parenting plans, paternity tests and certainly broken hearts.

I am determined to teach my sons that women are valuable creatures. I want to help them see that they need women more than women need them. Men are easy to come by. Women, not so easy. I am set on teaching my daughter that she is worth more than the smooth talk of a southern gentleman. I want her to know that words mean nothing, unless there's action behind them.

I tell my oldest son constantly, "never show up empty handed." I don't care if you take her flowers, wine, chocolate, gum or running shoes, you take her something. Every time. Don't break the bank of course, but show her she means enough to plan ahead. "Take her flowers, and tell that bitch she's beautiful." Flagrant words I know, but he remembers them.  Be willing to tell her in person. A "good morning beautiful" text is anyways nice, but if it's just routine, it's not meaningful.  Tell her how special she is. Don't smother her, but show her she is the most wonderful creature. After all women are fascinating.

I believe this last generation has lost the value in themselves. They've become so self absorbed and consumed by their own lusts and greeds that they use and abuse people to accomplish their own agenda. I pray I can make even a tiny difference in the world by teaching my children morals and values. My moral compass may not anyways point due north, but I'm trying.  I've told my children dozens of times "Men fall in love with what they see, and women fall in love with what they hear. This is why men lie and women wear make up." Bring back the chivalry, take off the layers of paint and be real.

Catastrophic failures become new blessings

I often joke and many have heard me say, "I am ready to have the nervous breakdown I've been working on for two years." Truth is, I probably could have a full out melt down, but I am too much of a control freak to allow it.

Those closest to me can testify, I am cursed. I have long time known this, but it became glaringly obvious when a dear friend called from New Orleans to tell me a voodoo shop brought one thought to mind, me. At first I laughed it off. Sadly, this laughter has faded over time, and the reality of the situation is, he is right. I should've been named Murphy, because everything goes wrong!!!!

"When it rains it pours" is an understatement in my case. If I juggle one bill to purchase something extra, you can guarantee 40 will come due unexpectedly. My vehicle has never broken unless I've just paid the note. The utilities are always due the day before payday, and you can rest assured if I start a fight with ex, it's when I can't afford the lawyer.

Over the past couple years, I have seen incredible devastation, and while in the midst of misery I may not have the brightest outlook, I know I gain strength with each failure.  I have discovered that kids are only little once, and I want them to be happy at any cost. I have learned to cherish the simple moments and not stress the unimportant things. A perfect house sounds great, but we live in ours. It's a distinct possibility if you arrive unexpectedly, there will be toys on the floor, laundry in the bathroom, dishes in the sink, at least one kid running around half naked and a mom swearing obscenities because she just stepped on a wet cheeto. It is what it is. My babies are precious to me, and it sends fire through my soul to have someone say I don't care about them.  I have learned to smile at the tiny hand prints that are left behind. I'm ok with toys I step over every day, because they built a fort out of cars and weren't done playing. I don't have to have the most fancy furnishings. As much as I despise vans, the sliding doors are cool, and they have some serious storage space. I am no stranger to laugh lines, and I may never be swim suit ready again, but they're worth it.

I was told to count my blessings. When all goes wrong, focus on the positive and what can go right. Well, that may be easier said than done, but it's possible. In 18 months, I have gone from a stay at home mom in the suburbs to a single working mother of 3. I am a full time parent, with a full time job and overtime responsibilities, no time for much of a life and that's ok. We make it work.

I pray forgiveness for my short comings, but I accept my imperfections just the same. Life is hard. It's cruel, but it's also beautiful, if you know where to look. Money may be a serious stress point, but you can't take it with you, so enjoy what you have and buy desert now and then. Kids drive us all crazy, but now and then, let's take a step back and see that a junk food day is ok. Work may be hell everyday, but you're getting paid to be there. If you hate it that much get a new job. I want to ever embrace the simplistic moments in this life. It's worth it. Life isn't easy, but it's a hell of a ride.