The Aftermath

When it comes to breaking up, we've all heard the stats, the quotes, things to live by etc. We know. You can't be friends with someone you loved. You either never did or still do. I think what this leaves out is the .0001 percent of the population who are extremely self aware and know what is best for them. It also doesn't account for the kind of love you shared.

We broke off our engagement. We separated households and went separate ways. We were both a bit bitter and filled with regrets. It took a couple weeks for me to see that I don't have space in my life or heart for the hatred. I needed to process. I know the split was needed, inevitable and neither of us could take more blame than the other. We were both guilty. Not many people are willing to invite their ex over to hash out the hatred, but I did. I will not allow myself to be consumed, nor will I let pride conceal my true feelings.

It took 5 minutes conversation for the weight to fall off of both of us. We could honestly say that we love each other, but we were not good for one another. We were a never ending ball of stress and tension. It affected our friends, children, work, habits, everything. We were the miserable couple that put on a good show. We were hot or cold. Nothing in between. Towards the end, every thing was forced. We both had to find a way to relax just to come home, but it was instant stress when we got there. We had to force ourselves to spend time together. There was no affection or true intimacy. We were just going thru the motions.

We weren't good for one another. That doesn't mean I don't love him. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It just means we don't love us.

For some the baggage they carry from past mistakes is more than can be overcome. The relationship itself became our tomb. The title built the foundation for ownership. Moving in together and sharing responsibilities became the walls in which surrounded us, and the ring was the lid. The final piece of that cage was the judge telling us we had to be married within 6 months. That was the lock.  We panicked. We started beating harder against the walls until finally we broke free. That freedom comes with a cost, but its freedom none the less.

Truth is, I don't enjoy sharing my space. I have my quirks, and at some point I become controlling. The cycle just continues until we have a wedge so huge between us, no bridge can  connect it. I'm also at the point in my life that I see that my kids need my focus more than anything. He sees that same need in his life. The tension we created was felt by all who entered our home. The first time my kids came home they were completely different humans. They weren't stressed at all. I can only imagine how his son was.

It isn't normal for people to see two people go from engaged, living together, working towards marriage and just be friends. I have to believe we are the exception. We are capable of laughing, talking, asking advice. We parted ways, and the day will come when we both meet someone new, and that's OK. I'm not ready to move on right now, but I want what's best for us. "Us" doesn't work the way it was. We  can't just erase the past two years, but we can learn from it. We can choose to be better because of it. He is one of my best friends. He knows more about me then any other human on this planet. That doesn't just disappear.

I've been called a shitty person, insecure, stupid and desperate for continuing to even speak to him. Referred to as a band aid that just needs to be ripped off and thrown away.  The past is exactly that. It's the past. We  helped each other discover who we are, who we want to be, and that I'll never apologize for. We aren't trying again.. We aren't starting over. We are choosing the relationship we should have stuck with. I won't be hateful because it's considered normal. This life has enough hate.  I choose to love, forgive and grow.

A Collective Failure

I've said too many times to count that I am not the one to offer Relationship advice, because I have yet to have a successful one. Yet, here I am again starting over. I have no idea how many fresh starts a person is supposed to get, but if it's anything like a cat having nine lives, clearly I'm meant to use them all.

It's easy during a breakup for a couple to blame each other. She did this, he did that etc. Truth is you both failed. In my own relationship, I can honestly say as much as he failed me, I also failed him. When a couple stops being a team, they begin to be competition. If you're not building each other up, you're tearing one another down. We stopped being a team somewhere along the way. It wasn't all at once. It was one tiny instance at a time. We stopped communicating. We stopped trusting. We stopped confiding. We stopped apologizing. We stopped persueing each other. We stopped believing in each other. We stopped holding one another accountable. We stopped putting Christ first. We stopped respecting each other. So when I say we failed. WE FAILED. It wasn't him. It wasn't me. It was us. 

In the last days, weeks, months I didn't realize how unhappy we'd become. I felt guilty that with  him driving away I breathed a sigh of relief. I have never felt that really, but I was glad it was over. Please do not mistake, I love him. I still do, but I was no longer in love with him. There's a huge difference. I didn't see how, for lack of a better word, emotionally constipated we had become. It wasn't until an old friend came to visit that it became clear. He pulled me in for a hug, and granted he's just a natural hugger, but I felt love in that embrace. That was a gifted embrace. I didn't have to ask for it. It wasn't forced, and I fell apart. I've been so lonely. I wondered if he felt the same way.

I went thru my phone looking for a certain picture, and I found myself going thru the last two years of pictures. Every single one was a memory of a quarrel. I was reminded of every fight we had. We bickered about money that day. The kids would not stop fighting. That was the day he threw a suitcase at me. He was drunk that day by lunch. That was the night I punched him. The list went on and on, but all it did was make me sad. Every beautiful smile and good day was overshadowed by an ugly word, some I spoke and others from him.

The words that were shouted on our final evening will never be forgotten. They will be difficult to forgive. Most importantly, they say more about the person who spoke them. I won't share what they were, because it wouldn't do any good at this point. After all, I didn't set out to air the dirty laundry. Our relationship has had many omens from the very beginning, but neither of us paid attention. They say love is blind. Its true. I didn't see until the very end. We both wore masks. Over time they fell off, and who we were couldn't be hidden.

Moving forward, I make a promise to myself not to filter. I will not be less myself in hopes that someone can love me. I will not run from love. I will not become bitter. I will try again....not anytime soon, but eventually. I will resist the urge to be petty. I will not ignore the warning signs. I will not allow myself to get lost along the way again. I will not become that monster who yells and complains all the time. I will stay true to myself. I will put the god lord above all, family behind him, and we will succeed.

This is my fresh start, and without knowing how many more I have, I must be careful. I will make the most of it and love my babies and take care of us first. I wish him all the best. I hope this life gives him the peace he searches for. I pray that happiness someday finds him. I wish we could've found all that together, but we were toxic for one another. We brought out the worst in each other. So today, I start again. Lord, guide my steps, take my hand, and lead me to you.