I will cower no more

The past week or so I have hit an extreme case of writer's block, and the cause was somewhat of a mystery to me up until this morning.  I would sit and stare at the keyboard, but no words would form.  Despite the immense amount of topics to choose from, because let's face it, my life has never been calm, I still couldn't think of a single thing to talk about. Then it hit me....like a ton of bricks, it hit me.  I was cowering.  I have long known that my ex and his wife have been reading this blog.  They monitor my social media closer than a jealous ex girlfriend who's certain her man is seeing someone new. I've known this, but I had never really faced it head on.

Last week we had court, and the court officer told us where to sit.  He placed me a row behind and a few folks to the right of my ex. I was bored and scanning the room for something to occupy my mind when his phone caught my eye.  My phone is your typical smart phone, small case, and you couldn't read the screen from 2 people over.  But, his phone is massive. I couldn't make out the words, but I did notice the web address he typed was very long. It caught my attention, because most web sites have very short names. When the page came up, I immediately recognized the color scheme.  I designed that page.  That was my page!  He was scrolling through my blog right in front of me.  I couldn't figure out why this bothered me so much.  It was my story to tell.  He has his version, and may I add that some of his version is hilarious.  For the record, if I attempted to burn anyone's house down, it would be down. Not to mention, I'd be in prison for arson, because let's face it, I'm not a criminal mastermind, and I would get caught.  I give plenty of thought into the words I type, and I refrain from putting the gory details in most of the time.  So, again, why did it bother me?  I have my suspicions, but basically, I was cowering to a bully I knew would be angry.

That day in court didn't go well in his favor.  In fact, it backfired in an awesome way.  As I walked from the courthouse, beaming with elation, I knew there would be repercussions. Things had been civil for a little too long.  Pulling his wife from the equation calmed most everything down, but I knew that day things were about to heat up quickly.  They did.  By the next morning the storm on the horizon had reared it's ugly head.  It was comical, but I still couldn't put it into words.  I had no desire to gloat the sway in my favor.  I didn't care to publish what all went on that day.  Although, a huge a step in the right direction, to me there was still nothing to tell.  But why? I should've been shouting from the rooftops, but again, to me there was nothing to tell.

Today I spoke with an old friend briefly, as we catch up every few weeks or so.  It was during this conversation I realized how little the reward meant.  The winning felt great, but the reward didn't seem to matter.  Just shortly after this epiphany, I saw that it was time to stop cowering. I am not afraid anymore.  I will cower no longer.  I am done being the doormat.  I am done keeping my mouth shut.  I am done being the bigger person.  This is my story to tell.  I have yet to publish anything that isn't true, provable or if my opinion, protected by my first amendment right.  I have never mentioned a name.  I have never defamed anyone's character.  So from this moment on, I will write my story; the good, the bad and the ugly.  It's my story to tell.

To my faithful followers, I have to say thank you.  I appreciate you very much, but may I add, that if no one ever clicked on this page again, I would continue to write.  This is where I empty my soul. To those who are only reading to find dirt in a snow storm, thank you as well.  I don't do this for profit, but you sure are changing that with every click. Stay tuned....I'm just getting started.