The Tiny Humans

When I look at my children, my heart breaks daily. They're so small, so fragile, so impressionable and vulnerable. As adults we are so selfish, and so many times we take our sweet innocent babies along for a ride on our emotional roller coaster.

In my own divorce, I see my children suffering. They miss their lives as they knew it. There's no way to repair that. We grown ups have a few choices. We can fight and make everything miserable. We can talk bad about the other parent making the kids feel they have to choose which one to love more. Or we can simply shut up, grow up and rebuild. I am not saying I'm perfect by any means. I have the right intentions. When my children come home complaining about what their dad is doing, the only thing I can say is "Don't give up on him." They see our struggle. They see that we just simply cannot get it together.

So many times the tug of war of life leaves our children on the front lines fighting with us. Why do we allow this?! I too am guilty. I give them too much information, and in turn they feel responsible somehow.

I have seen personally the destruction of the so called book two parents used to be in. The ex and I used to be somewhat on the same page. Now we aren't even in the same card catalog. What happens when one parent holds to the rules that've always been in place, and the other goes off script? Simple. The kids act out. They test their limits. They learn to manipulate. It may take years for them to understand which parent will budge and which won't. As for my kids, they are learning that one parent let's them do pretty much whatever, where the other is desperately seeking the stability we once had.

I wan the rules to be the same no matter which house they're at. I want them to be able to take toys back and forth. I want them to know that while mom and dad can't live with each other, they're still a team. This is not the case. We seem to be more like mortal enemies. It seems as if we do things to irritate each other. We punish each other with our kids. Who suffers? The tiny humans suffer the most. When dad holds the toys hostage, the kids don't have them to play with. When mom doesn't send the cute clothes to dads weekend, they look homeless. The tiny humans feel the weight of the struggle where the adults feel the stress. We must end this. We must somehow find peace. When I figure out how, I will share my success. So far I've been nothing short of a failure.

The Devil's in the Details...Right next to Bliss

What is it women want in life? What is it men want? The answer is simple, getting there, not quite the same. Happiness is what everyone wants. How do we get there? We don't know, but we want to arrive right now.

Women set out in life thinking that marriage and kids and a house and three dogs will make them  happy. Truth is, no it won't, because you may end up in an unhappy marriage, with miserable kids, and money pit for a house with dogs that refuse to be housebroken. See? There are so many specifics that go into happiness.  Men want money, fame, cars, an awesome career. None of this will make you happy either. How many people win the lottery and lose it all? Fame comes with it's price, paparazzi. Cars can be stolen, by criminals or your ex wife, and you could end up with the most miserable business partner on earth.

I think what truly makes us happy is the ability to appreciate what we have. Sadly that appreciation only comes with great loss.  You have to lose something incredible, to see the beauty in simplicity.  You have to experience the darkness to appreciate the sunrise.  You can only bask in the summer sun and enjoy its  rays after you've tasted the bitter cold of winter. 

I was married nearly 8 years, but we were together right at 10.  We have 3 wonderful children, and what seemed like the perfect life. It was all gone in a day, but it crumbled over time.  No one saw the cracks, including me. The devastation of the loss has taught me a few things along the way.  I see that a blissful marriage doesn't happen overnight.  A relationship that will withstand time takes hard work.  Every day is a conscious choice, on both parts, to stay together.  People say the leading cause of divorce is marriage. This is so true.  I hear it said over and over, "When I get married, divorce is never an option."  Haha!! I laugh and think to myself, "You've never been married."

Inevitably, there will be days when you look at your spouse and contemplate life without them.  You will wonder what your life would be like had you never met them.  You may even go in your mind to what it'd be like to attend their funeral. This is all considered normal. After all, you've never truly loved someone, until you've planned their murder.  You'd never do it, of course, because you'd miss them.  You can hash out every detail of  your existence without them except one thing - the pain. The loss of a loved one is very difficult to say the least. The loss of your mate is a completely different level of devastation.  This is the person you promised to share your life with, your dying breath, your retirement, your home, your family, your children....everything. 

Once a union comes to the point of dissolution, it has seen many storms. What I've come to realize, is many of these storms could've been avoided with a little fore thought.  Every person who's ever exchanged vows has or will eventually look in the mirror and wonder "How did we get here?" Well that's a simple answer too, many wrong turns, my friend, many.  Every man looks at himself one day, notices the gray hair, the sad eyes and suddenly feels so trapped. Could it be the lack of sleep, the constant nagging, screaming kids, overbearing inlaws, mountain of debt or never ending list of things to do? It's probably all of them. This man now has the need to feel young again. He wants a motorcycle, a vacation with the guys, a man cave, or one of a million different things to allow him to feel the freedom he once did. 

A woman is no different. She wakes up one day and also sees the extra weight she's put on, the hair she's let grow too long, the lines around her eyes, the bags under them.  She misses, girls night, feeling sexy, being noticed.  Suddenly she longs for the days when she doesn't spend every waking moment planning someone else's day with tiny humans in constant need. 

This couple simply needs to rekindle a flame that once burned so hot.  I've had plenty of time to imagine perfect scenarios. My favorite is "the affair." This is where he invites his wife to meet him at a bar they've not been to in a while.  He tells her to get all dolled up, sit at the bar, save a seat and order a drink.  He arrives 15 minutes after her. Walks up and pretends he has never laid eyes on her before.  They pretend as if they're both married to other people all night.  The hotel is already booked, and after being swept from her feet, they leave together.  The passion is absolutely on fire! Of course as any affair would, he leaves before daylight, but leaves a note on the pillow with a single flower.  It reads "Let's do this again soon. I'll see you at home."

Why not fall in love over and over throughout the years?! I would make an amazing marriage counselor, in my opinion.  Men are the first ones to jump up and say "Marriage is not like the movies." No it's not, but they're all the same so maybe you should take notes. They're based on something, and every woman has a fantasy life with the main character. We want our knight in shining armor.  We want a man who would fight for us, not with us.  We want a public scene just so you can scream out that you love us, for everyone to hear. 

I can also say that bliss is found in the little things.  Holding hands, eating dinner together, never going to bed angry, communicating in general. I cringe when I see couples bickering.  I hate to hear a woman nagging about how her husband never helps out.  Well if he doesn't then that is a problem, but there are other ways to handle it.  People, don't ever talk bad about your spouse, ever, to anyone, for any reason.  I know we all do it, but don't.  You can forgive your mate, they won't.  Don't yell at them either.  I don't care how much distance is between you in the house, go to her and ask what you need. Don't shout it out. 

What happened along the way for us to get so comfortable in the relationship that we suddenly decided it didn't matter? When did we decide it was ok to let ourselves go? When did we stop caring what the other person thought?  You used to work out, now you've put on a few pounds.  You used to fix yourself up to impress them, now yoga pants are acceptable all the time.  Personal grooming was big when you were dating, now it's ok to manscape once a year. No it's not!! It's not ok. It's not ok to stop shaving in winter time because you wear jeans all the time. Who wants to cuddle up next to wooly mammoth?! It's not ok to go to the bathroom with the door open!! No one wants that memory.  It's not cute. 

Men come home from a long day at work and what happens? He walks through the door and before he gets the phrase "Honey I'm home" out, a screaming baby is thrown his way and the words "I can't take anymore! It's your turn!" is quickly followed.  Does anyone know why dinner was always on the table when the husband got home from work in the 50's? I've decided I know. It's because after a long day at the office for him, and a long day with the tiny humans for her, that was half an hour of controlled peace where everyone got to interact together. Then after dinner the kids were good with going out to play for a few more minutes before bed, and mom and dad could relax!! Otherwise it's mass chaos before dinner, everyone fights during, then afterwards you're so exhausted there's no time for romance!

I am convinced if we really thought about it, we could create happiness. Money can't buy it, and adding more stress doesn't help it.  Bliss is in the details right next to the devil.  You have to pick which one you want and make a conscious choice everyday to work on that one.  You nag, he hates you.  You smile, and he will buy you that nice house in the suburbs.  Men will begin to look at you differently if you are ugly.  The beauty on the outside fades. Give them something to hold on to.  Be the beauty that never fades. Men can do the same thing. Give her something to smile about.  Every marriage takes work.  Some marriages won't last. It's a cold hard truth, but you loved that person once.  Love them again.  Learn to love them everyday. 

Life was not meant to be lived alone.  Children need both parents together at their functions.  Friends don't enjoy breaking up because the two of you couldn't get it right.  I am living proof that life after love is not easy.  Fighting the bitterness is a daily battle.  Finding forgiveness for the one who jilted you is an all out war within.  I long for the day when all of this pain is simply a memory. For now, it is reality, but I am dealing with it everyday.  I may not be the person I want to be. I still make mistakes. I still get angry when I remember the details, but I am not defined by those.  I am picking up the pieces. I pray I am the last to every get divorced. I hope no other family ever has to experience this devastation.  I know I won't be, but I am determined that my children will know right from wrong. I will teach them everyday that what we have put them through is wrong.  We as adults should not be so selfish. We should think of them and do everything in our power to fix it. It's not fixable now. It's just broken, but maybe I can help them to grow stronger. Just maybe I can teach them not to make my mistakes, not to repeat the cycle in their own lives.