My motto has become "life is hard." Life is hard. Life is cruel. Things happen in every existence that are simply inexcusable. In my life, I have experienced despicable events. Despite everything, I do not see myself as heartless, cold or bitter. Maybe I'm in denial.
I believe in a higher power. I believe there is a plan and a purpose for everything. I don't think this life is random by any means, which is why I have become so discouraged. My confusion has become overwhelming, and my faith seems to be on sinking sands. We each have a hand in our destiny. I've always understood that each action has a reaction, be it positive or negative. I'm not claiming to be perfect by any means. I make my fair share of mistakes daily, but I've come to the conclusion karma has the wrong address.
Recent events have brought me to seriously question humanity. I will never understand how anyone could claim to have a conscience and then do something to inflict intentional pain. I find it difficult to trust anyone now. I invested my soul in another human who seems content in using my greatest fears against me. Humanity isn't the only thing I question. I wonder if God has forgotten me. I question if He hears my prayers at all. I was handed an unbelievable situation, and I did what I believed was what was best for my family. I've worked so hard and overcame enormous obstacles, yet each reward seems overshadowed by another trial looming ahead. I've done everything in my power to make the best of an unthinkable situation with no avail. I try to see the upside, but it seems the climb only leads to another misery.
At this point, I teeter between self doubt and attempting to find the strength to fight another round. I find myself gripping so tightly to everything I hold dear for the fear that it will be torn from me. I have never been a nostalgic person. I don't sit around reminiscing, but lately I find myself drifting off lost in the memories. I am so thankful for the people in my life. my heart is so full of gratitude for the support system around me. They may not be DNA related, but they are my family. I love them each so dearly. Each one has their own way of lifting me up when I need it most.
My faith may be under fire, but every time I hear someone say "Be strong. Keep praying. " I am reminded that just maybe God really does work in mysterious ways. Maybe that's Him gently reminding me to keep going. I may not be able to run or even walk, but so long as I can move, I'll not give up. I will fight. I will stand again. I will win, in this life or the next. I may not have the answers or results I've been praying for, but it doesn't mean He doesn't hear me. There's a lesson to be learned here somewhere. I pray someday I understand. I pray my sweet babies do too.
Lord don't harden our hearts. Help us to see your beauty even in our pain. Give us the strength to believe in you: to trust in your plan even when we don't see the destination. May we trust the light at the end of the tunnel is you even when we fear it's the train. Give us the patience to wait for you: to wait on you to reveal your plan to us. Most of all, Lord guide our steps that we may be a witness for you.
